Whisper your words in my lap by Yutka

I had to wait until after work to comment on this poem as it brought an unprofessional flush to my face. Yutka's work is always a feast of sensual images, colours, smells, and this one is so evocative; experiential rather than voyeuristic in feel. Really lovely. I know someone I'd like to send it to!

i agree it is a sensual feast. ty, Juliet

thank you all for commenting on my poem. I have edited it now after reading this constructive criticism (this does not mean I appreciated your lovely comments) but it helped to make changes. I am never wholly (or rarely) pleased with my own poetry and endlessly want to rewrite . Here is what I was told.( I agree with it. ): Strengths I have to start by saying that this is a good deal better than most of the erotic poetry I am reading on the web. There’s a very fine line between eroticism (which is pleasurable to read) and pornography (which, for many readers, can be quite tedious and possibly offensive), and many fall on the wrong side of it. For the most part, you stop short here of being too explicit. Suggestion works far better, and I think that in the first four lines of the poem you achieve this very well. You’ve incorporated some alliteration (sweet/syllables, whisper/words), and the string of sibilants gives a sensuous feel to these lines. This is a good start. The poem closes well, too (though ‘uncharted seas’ is quite a well-used metaphor). Weaknesses In between the strong opening and close, however, I think that some lines are a little too explicit. ‘you … dig your teeth/ into my nipples’ made me wince – it doesn’t just sound painful in a pleasurable sort of way, but positively damaging. In ‘bind me to you with ropes of pain’, the idea of pain does not suggest actual bodily harm, and I think that this is enough to make the pain/pleasure link. I think that ‘in a warm and sticky treacle’ is also a rather uncomfortable image, because treacle is really much too sticky to represent anything that the human body can manifest. I couldn’t help thinking about washing the sheets afterwards. I will send you now the new version and hope for comments. Whisper your words in my lap those sweet syllables that melt under your breath and pour onto my skin in a warm and sticky trickle. I clamp your body between my thighs, bend over you, let my breasts pour into your mouth. You lick them with your tongue, bite softly into my nipples and bind me to you with the strings of pain, suck me into the sea of your mouth soon to emerge again, sky-faced, I am drifting on to foreign seas, never to know where the voyage will take me.

it was fascinating to read that criticism, where was it from? As i read the weaknesses i found myself defending your orginal, but on reading the edited version i think it is significantly improved in that it remains sensual and explicit but does not 'shock' and is all the more powerful, also loved the word 'trickle' and agree it works much better than treacle. it really is a beautiful poem, and even richer for your sharing the editing process. Juliet