Red Shoes by Scout.

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Tue, 2006-06-27 14:08

Red Shoes by Scout.

http://www.abctales.com/story/scout/red-shoes

I really enjoyed this piece, I love the image of the red shoes and the way they make the wearer feel as she perceives peoples reactions to her being brought about by the shoes, it took me back to my dissertation and Dorothy's ruby slippers being symbols of feminine power.
I also like the way that the narrator weaves the sister into the story and creates a subtext that leaves the reader feeling that there is clearly more to their relationship than we are told.

My only niggle is that I felt it perhaps could have been a bit longer and that the emotions could have been explored slightly more.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

Tue, 2006-06-27 14:39

2Lou

Yes, I enjoyed this too. Liked the little touches very much, like the bus lurching as her confidence was draining. Felt I wanted a bit more made of the end though.

~
www.fabulousmother.co.uk

Tue, 2006-06-27 21:08

Enzo v2.0

Lovely piece. Like Camus says, the having the sister in there makes all the difference. There's a real eloquence to the writing, and the ups and downs are conveyed very well and very clearly. I'd agree there's the possibility to expand this is to something more - but by continuing it and taking it in a different direction, not by rewriting what's there, which I think is solid and compact. Ben..

Wed, 2006-06-28 01:17

(Reply to #3) #4

Scout

Thanks so much for the feedback guys, it's kind of you and very much appreciated. Camus, (whose dissertation sounds fab) I know what you mean about the length - I wondered about broadening it out, but my main idea was to capture a particular (fleeting) mood, so I guess that's why it turned out this way. 2Lou has touched on the end; I like the fact you wanted more illumination, because I wanted to leave it open-ended re: it being either Jane having gone through emotional change and embracing a new, more vibrant and confident identity, OR the idea that these emotions are cyclical and unresolved and might flare up again. Also Ben's spot-on with maybe expanding it as another piece. To be honest I'm undecided whether or not I'll do that - right now I think I'll continue editing and writing new pieces and see how those go... (By the way I'm sorry to go on almost longer than the actual story that sparked this thread, but my excuse is I'm very, very, very excited about my cherry and about meeting you lovely lot:D ) Thanks again, Scout.

Wed, 2006-06-28 14:00

pepsoid

One's first cherry is an exciting thing indeed! They're just so pretty'n'red'n'lovely! Re the story, I think the length is just right. It makes its point effectively and succintly. Sometimes I think, as writers, we can have perceptions about how long a story should be or whatever, and we stretch out a narrative to make it fit these perceptions. If you think a story can be told in 50 words, then go for it! Anyway, very evocative and visual, and a telling portrayal of a "wallflower's" attempt to break into the world. :-) * P * :-) ( Read my blog! - www.oddcourgette.blogspot.com )

The All New Pepsoid the Second!

Wed, 2006-06-28 17:22

Juliet OC

i too enjoyed this, particularly the way my opinion about the type of person Jane is was evolved through her relationship with Lydia. I am not sure what i was expecting at the end, though it didnt disapoint me it wasn't memorable either. But the image of the shoes is powerful and overall a great short story. Juliet

Juliet

Wed, 2006-06-28 17:47

Foster

Sorry Iâ€™m a bit late, but I wanted to say I thought you did a really good job with this one, and congrats on the cherry. As a male reader, I was very interested in the thoughts of this girl. I often see women wearing bright shoes, or something similar â€“ but I never wouldâ€™ve imagined the effects certain stares/reactions might have, at least on someone just gaining coming out. You painted her insecurities very well, while showing her emerging confidence. Foster.

Wed, 2006-06-28 21:43

(Reply to #7) #8

Scout

Cheers for your comments pepsoid, and what you say about word length is interesting. I can see why it's easy to take it for granted/ get overly stressed about it, and about other rules and conventions at that... Juliet, that's useful what you say about the ending not being as memorable as it could have been, I'll bear it in mind if I make changes. And thanks for your other thoughts too. Thanks for the congrats Foster, and what you said about the things that men and women do/don't notice about each other in that way is intriguing... I'm now wondering about the kinds of things that might trigger similar reactions in men (feel free to point them out!) Scout

Wed, 2006-06-28 22:09

Moimo

Enjoyed this pieve, congrats on the cherry Scout, well earned. Agree with some of the other posts on the end about the end, maybe some expanding. I don't know you and as your new I'll say this, please don't take this the wrong way but I'm going to offer what I think is unqualified constructive crit. I don't know about he use of she at the start of a sentence so much, it can sometimes seem repetative. e.g 'She turned a corner and emerged onto the main street, which was full of homebound workers, and others like her who were preparing for a night out.' Could be 'Turning the corner she emerged....' Congratulations again and welcome. nobody

Wed, 2006-06-28 22:22

#10

mikepyro

I think we may have a story of the week here. ;)

Give me the beat boys and free my soul! I wanna getta lost in ya rock n' roll and drift away. Drift away...

Thu, 2006-06-29 01:44

(Reply to #10) #11

Scout

As I should have said earlier but Nobody has highlighted it: there is nothing like a fresh pair of eyes! Thanks Nobody, I will def take that point, and the others, on board (don't worry by the way, any constructve feedback will always be much appreciated). And Mike, yours was short but v sweet - thanks! Scout.

Thu, 2006-06-29 12:49

#12

Written

I really enjoyed it. The man on the bus reminds me of that feeling of anxiousness about apperance, which, im sure is not uncommon to most women. Theres also a certain sorrow in her extreme self-concioussness, which i think the sister element emphasises very well. The ending is comforting to not only jane but to me/the reader also, it eases all the previous anxieties, if only temporarily. That was my experience of it anyway, but it was well and subtley written and conveyed and evoked a lot of emotion. congrats scout!

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