LONERGAN'S WAKE by JXMARTIN

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Fri, 2006-05-19 23:42

http://www.abctales.com/story/jxmartin/lonergans-wake

Hi JX,
nice story. I found it funny, mature, intelligent, expressive. I like the little pictures you draw. And love 'musical mosaic of Babel'.
I don't think you should have used a second shark comparison, unless it's the same shark. Which you can easily make it by using 'the' shark rather than 'a' shark the second time. And vice versa with 'wake' the second time '.... we drank a little bit more at the wake' (which wake). I think better 'a' wake here. And I wouldn't have used 'nibs' more than once. I feel it would have been more effective to use the opportunity to give him another surprising moniker to build on the satire.
I hope you don't think I'm nit picking.
It's a nice piece, very well done.
Chris

Sat, 2006-05-20 01:36

jxmartin

Chris, Nit picking? No, I appreciate your taking the time to read and critique the piece. Much of it is a metaphor from my own experiences and I had fun writing it. When you get caught up in the composition of a story, you don't always see the repetive usages as quickly as a "fresh eye" can. It is good to have them pointed out. Were it written by someone else, I might well have made much the same comments. Let me think those changes over for a bit. Thats why these boards are so valuable. Thanks again for taking the time to comment. J.X.M

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