Amazing Excuses - Can You Help Me Lie?

I missed my cousins wedding due to a cat bite. No one ever believes me - especially him. The only photographic evidence I have is of the aftermath - and that could have been faked of course. sorry wolfie - you will just have to go.

what you want to do wolfie is to pay someone to obtain a photo of either your sister or her fiance in a compromising position, thus preventing the wedding altogether

Or even a COMPLIMENT!!

Oooh, that is NASTY! Would probably do the trick, though...

I had to laugh at the compromising photo. If you've seen him, you'd use the words 'bargepole...touch...him..don't...him'

See you're highly impressed with this bloke, Wolf...

(in reference to the bargepole) So why don't you go, with a wicked smile on your face, and a big placard round your neck reading 'I could do sooooooo much better - I just can't decide which millionaire/adonis to say YES to!!' JJ

Another small problem. Children have big ears, like elephants. My daughter now thinks my sister's fiance's name is 'tosser'. Should be an interesting day. I might even write a story about it......

...which will of course win tons of amazing awards and then you'll be supremely glad you actually went...

A friend of mine when invited somewhere he has no intention of going always says sorry.........I have to clean the oven leaving the recipient in no doubt that their invitation is unwanted brutal but funny

Sorry i can't come to the wedding but it's impossible to disown your family if you keep turning up for things like that.... or how bout just dissapearing and saying you can't remeber where you were or what happened but you know you had fun....

I like it Dave. I also like Jen's spin on things; maybe I could make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, after all.

I once excused myself from an awkward date-like situation by joining a passing demonstration....i still feel bad about it, but maybe you can ring your sister on the day and tell them you are trapped in oxford street by the police, there are plenty of demos in london........just a thought

All fine and good if there IS a demo on the day - but if there isn't you'd better hope that her new hubby is capable of keeping her away from the tv so she can't watch the news!!

If there ain't one, you could always start your own, Wolf... Fecky might knit you a placard if asked nicely ...

After the event, flatly deny all. Say you were there. "I'm sorry, I can't be arsed," is another one.

An appointment with an NHS specialist - as the waiting lists can be up to (over sometimes) 15 months long - the shortest around 3-6 months - and if you miss them, then you have to wait for another space to come along. Specialist can be for anything - back, teeth, skin, eyes, ongoing medical problem - can you manage to invent something, like you've been having backache or your optician spotted some slight problem that needed checking by a doctor?? p.s. - why exactly do you want to miss the wedding??? J

tell her you have to meet lots of interesting writer-type people at the london ABC meetup, which is obviously far more important. (or you could always fake your own death)

The strangest excuse I ever heard by someone calling in to work was that they were locked "in" their house. Couldn't get out and didn't have any keys. Weird heh!

I've made that very call to work, I closed my flat door, went to open the front door, it was double locked, wernt for my keys, which were unfortunately in the living room. S I was stuck in the hallway. Luckily I had a James Ellroy book which I used to batter down my flat door....they are big enough but I didn't need to as I had the phone and rang my wonderful other half, who came dback from work to release me. I did spend a hour in my little cell. The guy who lived downstairs wasn't in, or didn't open his dooe, I think the former. I had to ring the place I had a meeting at, and explain my situation, which provoled much mirth when I arrived. So Wolf girl....it can happen.....

I once wrote to an acquaintance saying I couldn't attend his wedding as I was getting married on the same day (intending to be ditched at the alter). A week later I got a reply saying he wouldn't miss my wedding for anything and had postponed his to attend mine! I had to beat a hasty retreat saying she had dumped me for someone else. I ended up with so much egg on my face I looked like an omelette!

So far, they all seem credible to me. Still, Missi has worried me now; it can obviously all go horribly wrong. My sister is fairly scary (think of a childhood with a huge, talon-nailed bully chasing you round a table Jennifer and you might get the picture) and I don't think the one about locking myself in the house would wash. I have a back door and lots of windows. Now faking my own death.......um......how does one go about that?

Hmm this calls for supreme subteltly. I suggest you get a few friends to rough you up a bit the night before the wedding. You can then claim to have been brutally mugged (helps if you leave your wallet somewhere else) and say you only just regained conciousness. also perfect because you can claim you were carrying her wedding present which was of course a £3000 antique silver candle holder or something and the muggers pinched that too. You could even try claiming on your insurance (please note, I am not encouraging insurance fraud which is of course very naughty and illegal) Hmm that seems to work pretty well, just make sure your friends arent too over zealous in the beating :)

If sis has spotted this thread, Wolfie, you won't need an excuse... Now there's a thought! Get someone to recommend ABC to her.

Aha - no - see, I'm an only child so no scary siblings were around to chase me. How about ringing up just before the wedding and saying you've broken down and have to wait for the local garage to come and get you but they can't come for around three hours - this because you forgot to rejoin/join the AA/RAC - although this would only work if you live miles away. Faking being mugged? Da Weev - are you a bloke? because, you know - makeup works just as well as real bruises - well it does on TV anyway - got any makeup artist friends, hon? J

Goodness me, someone has hijacked my name and pretended to be me. I would never ever try and avoid my beloved sister's wedding. Perish the thought. Pretend to be beaten up....dear oh dear......(now where's that really dark bruise-coloured eyeshadow Auntie Mabel gave me for Christmas).

I worked in a school last year and one day one of the kids wasn't in. The next day a note came into school with him saying, "I'm sorry Johnny wasn't in school today, but my wife had a baby but it wasn't his fault"

*sniggers* naughtly Wolfie!