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Dear Lisa As a novel I would like to read a synopsis – you can’t tell too much from just one chapter. Also give it a working title. In terms of your writing – and I am only offering my personal thoughts here. You tend to water down some of you description with unnecessary words. Don’t need ‘all’ before ‘the force’ . Go through and get rid of all the unnecessary words. E.g ‘she wondered if her vision’ is not needed rather ‘did her vision’ ‘Tears now rolling down’ you don’t need ‘now’ You also need to use stronger words e.g. ‘she reached’ could be ‘she grabbed’ – have a thesaurus handy at all times. This is lovely ‘her mother’s hand touched her lightly as if she, too, wanted to hold this moment a heartbeat longer’ You also tend to tell rather than show – this an example: The house was far too warm; it smelt like a hothouse with vases of flowers everywhere, in the living room, dining room, the kitchen and even in the bedrooms To show: The aroma of decaying flowers hung in every room, clinging to the curtains….. This works because you show: Downstairs the lamps were low, casting gentle pools of light on the well-worn furniture. Uncle Pete was sitting by the fire, now banked ready for the night, holding a large brandy in one of his hands as he toyed his other hand with the cushion tassels. And lastly can forests have surfaces?. Hope these comments help Juliet

"Lena and Sophie had adored their big, strong father, so it had shocked them both when his heart had given up, for God’s sake, he had only been fifty, a decade older than their mother but there had been such love between their parents, a love that both had hoped to find one day." I wouldn't use "for God's sake" in this sentence because it's written in the third person and that's something you might say in dialogue rather than as narrator. Hard to explain but it sounds like you're intruding with an opinion when you should be just giving the details. Also it's symptomatic of your writing style that you use a lot of phrases in one sentence separated by commas when splitting into two sentences might be better; this one's an example of one which is quite long.. There's one or two things which sound cliches to me - "walking on eggshells" is one. "Nothingness of oblivion" is the kind of thing where the nature of oblivion IS "nothingness" so the first two words don't add anything to the description. I'd go along with Juliet on the use of a thesaurus for stronger words and the example she gave is a good one but be careful of changing a lot of words in a short space or going for unusual words - it might look like you're trying to impress by using flowery words which don't match your style. But generally I found it quite well-written and easily-paced with a good balance of description and dialogue.

Hi Lisa, Yes, I agree with the editor of the magazine. The end doesn’t have a satisfying out come. I was intrigued until the end, but was expecting more to come. I want to know what happens next, or at least be able to imagine where it will go. I think you need an end to a short story, or you must go further with a longer piece. Hope this helps. Some typing errors too. In spirit Chris Whitley

I agree with the advice given so far, more full stops, losing words etc, but I'd also watch using a theasaurus too much. A writer needs their own style and as Neil Mc said it could change the whole perspective of it and lose the personal touch. I can't personally talk I'm proper slack when it comes to editing my work and write as you do, as I feel, except opposite, I forget the descriptive stuff. But I see you wanted feedback and thought I'd add my two pennies worth. (mind you I don't even know the difference between a noun and a verb etc so....) By the way I thought the synopsis sounded good, twins and the loss of one has great potential and the fact you even recieved feedback is promising in itself, normally it's just a no, so there can't be too much wrong with it, probably just a little tweaking. Hope it goes well. Harry Kerdean

Forgot to say, you write brilliantly but sometimes, (may just be me) sentences can curl on your tongue and it needs to flow, maybe reading it aloud might help, but again I say that's just me. Harry Kerdean

you have certainly improved the pace and the power of this. It reads much better. Juliet