Feedback please

9 posts / 0 new
Last post
Feedback please

I'm new to ABC and wondered whether you could check out my first entry and give some feedback?

http://www.abctales.com/story/jk/breaking-my-abc-viginity-haunting-mews

Cheers

Phil_harvey
Anonymous's picture
I like the feeling of it. But, personally, I find reading alliteration a little hard on the brain. Listening to it spoken with the intended pace it can work. However it breaks my reading rhythm. probably just me. :)
I thought it had terrific rhythm, catching the feel of a train. I too found the alliteration a bit hard going to begin with, but then I read it aloud several times, and each time I read it I liked it more. I have to say I still don't think I fully understand it :( but that rhythm and the way the words are put together do indeed haunt the brain. I think it's very skilfully put together. M
Phil/Margharita, Thanks very much for the feedback - it is very useful. Much of my work is language-based so I apologise if it is a bit of a brain-drain to read, being abstract with lots of rhetoric. The story, if there is one, is that a man is lying in his bed feeling sick with fear about his spooky surroundings. The rocking of the house giving life to a normally inanimate object. I was attempting to blur the boundaries between the supernatural and reality, showing that the man's own sickness and poor physical condition is the actual disturbing and haunting aspect of his situation. The man is scaring himself and I have tried to portray him as some kind of ghoul. Cheers, Kevin
Phil/Margharita, Thanks very much for the feedback - it is very useful. Much of my work is language-based so I apologise if it is a bit of a brain-drain to read, being abstract with lots of rhetoric. The story, if there is one, is that a man is lying in his bed feeling sick with fear about his spooky surroundings. The rocking of the house giving life to a normally inanimate object. I was attempting to blur the boundaries between the supernatural and reality, showing that the man's own sickness and poor physical condition is the actual disturbing and haunting aspect of his situation. The man is scaring himself and I have tried to portray him as some kind of ghoul. Cheers, Kevin
Dear Kevin, Now that these members have given you feedback I do hope that you will be able to find the time to give feedback to others. Just pick some stories you like, flag them up here and say what you like and don't like about them. It makes the world go round! Regards, Tony
I loved this piece. The alliteration added to the flow for me. The word use is very discriptive, and created a visual sense of the work as I read.
Hi Tony, Yes. I will be more than happy to provide feedback for others. Kind regards, Kevin
I think others have said what I feel about this. It's a good start & I hope to see more.

Lfuller

Topic locked