RE: When he pulled the telephone out of the wall and slammed it into the filing cabinet
Sun, 2011-09-25 11:12
#1
RE: When he pulled the telephone out of the wall and slammed it into the filing cabinet
Was I too emotive here because the emotions and memories are so raw and did I therefore lose something in style?
fatboy74
Tears were coming to betray me
but my will to defeat them was fierce.
Once they started
he would have my pride
and pride was all I had left
it defined me
First section was pitched perfectly for me - this feels a bit grandiose in terms of the language used
I stood
All eyes were on mine, hungry, appraising what was left
of this dismantled man.
This section again has the same feel but not as bad.
“This”, I pointed at the office, at the cars, at the wife and son in therapy, at the
unconscionable greed that defined him and defiled me,
Back to the good stuff with this bit for me.
“I will be free of this and I
will end this
and in destroying you
I can only hope
because I cannot say with certainty
that I will not become you.”
This may be accurate word for word, but it makes you sound like a character from the Oddysey - a bit of poetic license may be needed.
I think the whole poem is very close to being really good - but that's just my opinion. ATB Fatboy
lavadis
Really helpful comments Fatboy
MaggieG
I agree with Fatboy Hun. As I told you before you need to make it a little more personal. Bring it out of the lofty, and into the human experience.
Find some avenue so that others might connect as well :)
lavadis
And as ever your comments are spot on MaggieG. I suppose that all that I had put on this site thus far, save for "love in a time of hope" which I read out at my wedding, was as it were fictional and therefore composed. Perhaps with the night she threw and I ducked and then with this poem, because they are real events that had an emotional impact on me, it was less creative and more cathartic. The entire incident in the office still makes me so angry however I really enjoyed putting into the form of a poem. I will however return to it and amend it I think, taking on board the advice from yourself, Fatboy and others.
fatboy74
or even the Odyssey - The Oddysey sounds like something Pratchet should have written.
Happy editing and ATB. :-)
MaggieG
"because they are real events that had an emotional impact on me, it was less creative and more cathartic."
There is nothing wrong with writing from a cathartic point of view. I do it all the time. My husband ( My first audience as I call him lol )says I have a diamond sharp voice when I am writing "pissed off"
What got me about the piece was " You " seemed somewhat unapproachable, not the view point of the poem itself. I thought the ending line was killer actually. But I also wonder if playing with that ending line might be where you find the "humanity" of the piece.
We often react intensely when we are afraid, and your ending line told me that your fear of becoming this man was intense. Play with that fear, show it a little more. That might be your key.
lavadis
Wow WilkyBarKid, wha incredibly insightful comments! Many thanks