May i take your life please. by santaclausisreal.

I must enjoy this hapiness too! Yay! I thought this was very well written sometimes clunky at a few parts, and it needs better spacing in it. But other than that a great story. Very good ending. How is it autobiography though?

a great parable and play on words. I don't think you need the very last para. i would end it on the speech - let the reader fill the gap. ty Juliet

Yeah that's a good Idea Juliet. I would end it that way to, has a much more dramatic and emotional impact. The last few lines sorta numb it.

I loved this. I think everyone should read this story, especially all of those who sadrifice the important things in life for money and power.

Thank your for everyone who liked it and who commented, but do you think I should sacrafice the last two paragraohs and their meanings to make the story better or should I keep the meanings and sacrifice a better story..because I get exactly what juliet said. -Shred

for me all the last para adds is the man's intention to go get a life. But it isn't really about that one man it is about all of us - so by ending it on 'get your own' then it is up to each reader whether they do. What that one man decides is almost beside the point - not sure if i am making myself very clear. But Shred it is your story and therefore completely up to you - others may disagree with me. Juliet

I realize that this is only an excerpt from my own e-mail to you, but I wanted to keep this story up on top. It has lots of potential to become something very special. I think the first hurtle would be to make sure that it is correctly formatted. And if you are having problems getting it up on the web in the correct format you should ask for help. Poor formatting can quickly make a reader jump ship just as quickly as a multitude of misspelled words. So you should pay particular attention to formatting if you want others to read and comment on your stories. You are also going to have to pay more attention to sentence structure. I’ll take the very first paragraph for example. “Walking up to the businessman in a suit and with a briefcase he took a holt and asked ….” I know what you intended to say here, but it could just as easily, and more than likely, be interpreted as the protagonist walking up to the businessman dressed in his own suit and carrying his own briefcase. Do you see?

I agrre with what others have said, maybe with regards to the last few lines you could leave it as something like, 'it was then he knew what to do.' Also a re-read getting rid of what Mike called clunkiness and the spelling etc. it certianly has what elmo called potential, an original idea to say the least. nobody