Morning surgery etc. by Rokkitnite

Ah, I did the same thing - penny dropped some way through. Reading it was fantastic exercise for those flagging facial muscles though. It'd be perfect live - I can just imagine it.

Woot! This is ace. Wanking time / Frankenstein is a fabulous rhyme. I laughed a lot. And want to hear you read this. May 6th perhaps?? Joe

Ah yes. Thanks guys. Tony, you're absolutely right about the beginning. It's a first draft and I'm a bit fuddled as to how best to arrange it. I think the 'Wolfman 'line is probably the current best contender for an opening line, at the moment - it was originally but then I swapped things round. It's definitely meant as a performance piece - the metre shifts so erratically that I think it needs to be spoken. Any editting.order suggestions would be really welcome - at the moment I feel like it's a collection of fairly amusing, rather smutty one-liners without much cohesion. Thanks very much for flagging it!

"at the moment I feel like it's a collection of fairly amusing, rather smutty one-liners without much cohesion." My thoughts excactly. Hear my music: http://music.download.com/3600-5-100795586.html

Those were your excact thoughts? Wow. Spooky!

Right. Er. Not sure about this. It *is* a bit disjointed, Tim, and I think that's more of a problem than establishing the setting. I think you need to cut, a) the stuff about tree-sex because it feels like a totally different re-imagining, not really at ease with your major conceit (And sap for cum? Not buying that), and b) Godzilla, because he's coming from a whole different cultural time and space, and nudges you too far towards sci-fi. Also, I think you need to choose whether or not you want a back-up story. You seem to have one foot in and one foot out at the moment. There's some vague indication that sex has been 'imported' into Fantasy Land and disturbed the balance there, but you don't really take it much further than that. Lotsa great rhymes though.

Have duly switcheroonied, peeps. Jon, I agree about the disjointedness and I've tried to address that in my rewrite. As for the setting - I see where you're coming from, and I do want it to have a mood or 'take' rather than being yet another limpid list poem. I'm trying to make it humorous but, at the same time, rather dark and unpleasant. But it's a performance poem, at heart, and if it's to work, almost every line has to reward the listeners. I don't think putting in a full backstory would serve that purpose well... Hmm... Food for thought. Anyhow, you can let me know if you like the changes, non?

and it got a cherry? jesus.

Snitcher! It rhymes cystitis with sprite pus. You damn straight it got a cherry. I feel like I ought to call you a nob head for that bitchy, unhelpful post. Yeah, alright... you're a nob head. Joe

"Name coined after her skin-flicks Not the colour of her headwear. The doctor gives it to her straight: ‘Now then, Miss Riding Hood," At this point I stopped and started again, fearing that I hadn't paid enough attention. Rokkit, I love this, I didn't see how it was before the changes but think it's great now. The only line I'm unsure of is: Movies so blue They make Bluebeard cringe. Not convinced repeating the word sounds quite right out loud. Also - and this is just pointless pedantry by you use ass and arse - which I think I would notice if read aloud. Great, though. I love the way you write. Ben Enzo.. www.thedevilbetweenus.com

I'd love to see this, and some of your others, on stage - you touring the west anytime soon?

I did enjoy this right up until the mysterious moral hint at the end, Tim. Problem seems to be that when you say "the magic left forever", it feels like you're hinting at innocence lost, when to my mind, there's scarce been a completely innocent fairy tale or nursery rhyme - they're all pretty dark and have always been so. I mean Red Riding Hood and the hairy-legged Wolf? And Rip Van Winkle is pure gothic to begin with - nothing to be lost, really. I also had a mini problem with saying he's given up sleeping, which would indicate he does the big snooze on a regular basis when in the story, he only has one big zizz. I'd ditch the moral, but maybe that takes the poem somewhere you don't want it to, so I'll leave it up to you. "I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy."

"Cystitis" and "sprite pus" must be the rhyme of the year - would be great for performance. Tend to agree with Brighteyes though, tacking something which sounds moralistic on a piece of pure wayward filth weakens it for me, bit like those old novels where the heroine screws around for 200 pages and catches smallpox in the last couple.

"Those were your excact thoughts? Wow. Spooky!" Now "exacatly," but we have codes of conduct to abide by. Hear my music: http://music.download.com/3600-5-100795586.html

One of which must be 'Don't make snotty, unconstructive comments on other people's threads', right, yan?