Is it better to be bad?

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I won't offer any solutions. I will say that all these pieces of cardboard with your name on them are very nice, but have little real value, especially if getting them makes you unhappy. The worst case scenario. You don't get accommodation. You don't get a degree. You come home. Nobody starves. Nobody dies. This time next year, who know? But I do know that this episode will have passed and as a writer you'll remember and all writing is about starting again anew. Failing better.

It sounds as if Germany's come too quickly at you or perhaps it's just not the right time. I know there are all the sayings about stiff upperlips and keep calm and carry on, but sometimes, if something doesn't start right, it takes more courage (and wisdom) to step back and realise that it's not meant to be. Retreat is not cowardice, especially when ploughing on would lead you into rocky, unforgiving territory. Also, life's a constant gamble. You may feel you've invested so much that folding now is an inconceivable concept, but you'd be wise to look at your hand and consider cutting losses. there are so many brilliant things you can do in a year-out. Perhaps that's the problem. It's a year-out and you're still pushing yourself to please your folks. Take a breather, mate. It's a year-out. Treat it like one because you deserve more than you know. Take a walk alone, right now. After a while, sit on a bench somewhere quiet and listen to what your stomach says. Try not to listen to your head or heart (both have their own set of priorities). That gut of yours knows all the answers and it will tell you what the right move is. Once you're sure what to do, act on it, accept it as the right path and embrace it with all your love. We all have regrets; it's living with them and looking past them that counts. Not only are you putting strain on your own mental/emotional capacity, your parents' hopes/expectations for you may be having a negative effect on you. They love you with all their hearts but, with all the best intentions, this may be a root cause of an overwhelming problem that your will is finding hard to fight. This is your life, Lem. By replacing the wishes of others for you with some time out wull allow you to gain insight into how you perceive yourself in the world and what it is that YOU want. Don't feel guilty for being yourself. The struggle to manage life through the eyes of another is always lost. You can negotiate this crossing by being honest to your incredible parents and being open with them. there are so many good things to do this year and helping others is one way to stop those feelings of worthlessness and guilt. Would it be so wrong to return home with your lovely Mum so you can be with your Dad and see him through his operation? Sounds like a plan? Once you've started to feel better, go all out to help others in your town. Old people always need someone to get shopping for them, clear out rubbish, take them to the doctors etc. If there's a good charity that you have an empathy with, try them but do something that requires real spirit. Maybe finding people to help yourself, outside of charities, is the best way. It's a very rewarding experience; the best buzz you'll get, and it brings you back to yourself and may just show you what you really want to do in life. That would be the best gift you could give to your folks. My thoughts really are with you.

Lem, you need to get your head together, love. Look at the positive, you have your job, you go to Munich tomorrow, and you have the next three nights sorted. As Celt says, if you have to throw in the towel your parents will get over it. You won't make your dad any worse, parents are resilient things, you know. They love you and your mum is there because she loves you and she wants to help. So you go to Munich, give yourself a week. As soon as you get there get a local paper and while you are at work, your mum can go and see rooms for you. Most of them will have at least a basic level of English. This isn't the end of the world, it's just the start of another chapter. Try your best and if it doesn't work out come home. Nobody's going to think any worse of you. Have you spoken to your mum? Tell her how you feel, that you feel a huge burden of responsibility. I can tell you now, there are far worse things to have in a child than a failed student. Your mum has traveled to a foreign country to support you, do you really think she wants you feeling like this? You know what, things have a habit of working out. When you get to your new job and you explain your situation, somebody at work may be able to help you, or at least point you in the right direction. Stop looking at everything negatively. You aren't on your own, get to Munich and take it from there one hour at a time. Talk to her.

Sorry to hear about your problems. It sounds like the university is being unreasonable and not taking into account the accommodation problem. Your student union should be able to offer you advice and support in getting a bit of flexibility, which will take the pressure off you while you sort something out. They know the levers to press to get the uni to back off a bit - your 'sadness attacks' sound like depression and that's a serious medical condition that would entirely legitimise your taking a break from your studies. University can be a horrible and stressful experience, it's a big step into a big wide world and if you're not lucky enough to fall in with a group of friends and the right course then it can be awful. You might be better off leaving, finding a more suitable course or starting a career.

Lots of folk have given you excellent advice, Lem, but in my mind this bit from blighters rock is the most crucial - 'Not only are you putting strain on your own mental/emotional capacity, your parents' hopes/expectations for you may be having a negative effect on you.' Those are wise words indeed, so please take heed. Don't do anything that you're unhappy with, it's your life no matter how great your parents' hopes, and you have to make your own decisions and/or mistakes. The issue of whether you have accommodation is a piffling one, you'll manage one way or another, and at least you have a job..... The important thing is to remain strong and do what you want to do, no compromises, then your mind will remain intact and your future will be rosy no matter what happens.

Lem - I am also sorry to hear about the rubbish time you're having right now. You do need to get onto the student welfare people at your uni straightaway. I don't expect it will make you feel any better, but you aren't the first person who runs into problems on their year abroad. and I remember you had depression before. They should be falling over themselves to help you. If they aren't, they aren't doing their job. You probably don't feel like hassling them yourself - is there someone in england who can do it for you? The student union? (It's been a long time since I was at uni, but this is the kind of thing they should be doing). You aren't a failure - you're just having a temporary blip (even if it feels like the end of the world right now). I will keep my fingers crossed that tomorrow is better than today. xxx

.... if they won't help, name and shame your uni. With fees so high, they should be falling over themselves to keep a good reputation. Go to the Student Room forum - I bet you'll get good advice there.

I'm with Celt and Sooz. Especially the parent's being resilient bit :) My son dropped out of his Uni International Business and Languages course in Feb. He hated it (well, he liked the languages but couldn't handle the biz). I would never have dreamed of stopping him. I'd have hated him to stay on my account and been miserable. He's now working shifts in a hotel and loves it. So I love it too. He's happy and that's all that matters to me. That's all that matters to your parents too, I bet. Life's too short to be doing something that makes you miserable and, as mentioned, no-one's died or starved, you've got a home and people who care about you, so you're quids in :) Good luck http://www.ukauthors.com

Give him my love, Andrea. It's hard to imagine him being all grown up and working.

Hi Lem, I don't know what or if you're doing anything about the sadness attacks, but they sound like a large part of what's going on, if you haven't sought help yet, maybe you could think about it?. Blighters is right, you have to find your own path, not live to please someone else however much you love them. You say 'All the weight is and always has been solely on my shoulders- the responsibility to achieve.' I wonder how you measure 'achievement' money? status? or happiness and emotional health? Do you WANT to go to Munich? really? I don't know how to stop feeling guilty or worthless but being true to yourself and a little counselling always helps I find. Good luck. P.S, I think the whole best year of your life thing is a myth, you'll have loads of years miles better!

Exactly, shoe. I suffered an awful year or so of deep, dark depression after being made redundant in 2009 and then being unfairly dismissed from a new position after just five months. I have a wife and two kids to support and a mortgage hanging around my neck, and I was shitting myself because I genuinely thought we would lose everything..... The past year or so, however, has been happy enough if not exactly ecstatic (though I have my moments), and I'm writing again, which is very therapeutic. We're still scrimping and saving, and I still haven't found work, but that may change soon as I'm waiting to hear about a promising offer. Life is rarely a bowl of cherries, Lem. Life is a bitch on occasion, and it's bloody hard work to achieve even a modicum of happiness even if you have no serious problems to worry about. You just have to work at your emotional problems instead of allowing them to fester and gather like pus in a boil and eventually poison you or drown you, or both. And life is not all doom and gloom however you feel right now - happiness might be just over the horizon. That's true whether or not you 'achieve' according to your parents' standards or your own. I've felt a tremendous sense of achievement from the positive comments about the crazy stories I've posted on this site. Really, it's made me feel alive again, it's made me feel worthwhile.

If nothing else Lem, the response here has been helpful and supportive. I think first and foremost you need someone to shoulder some of that emotional stress. Only after that can you get any sort of clarity on what to do. As for feeling guilty and worthless i think that comes from placing far too much responsibility for what happened on your own shoulders. Some other knobhead made the choice to scam you for instance, you cant blame yourself for that. These are all difficult steps but they are steps on the road to your inevitable success right?

Lem I made a pint of looking this post up to see how you're doing. So glad that it all worked out, things generally do. Congratulations.

Thats great news, Lem. Really happy things are working out for you now. Stay strong, fella!

Just to wish you well Lem, I didn't catch the thread until this evening. x