forked-tongues by chimpanzee_monkey

http://www.abctales.com/story/chimpanzee_monkey/forked-tongues

I liked this.

At first I thinking it was all a bit 'Shameless', but then realised that it was probably more a bit 'Trainspotting'. I realise that they're easy comparisions.

I think that the lizards idea in this is very strong, but that it needs to be more intergrated into the story. Lizards are cold blooded and in cold weather they slow down. They aren't concerned with other lizards usually and have horrid black stares. I'd like the main character to kind of convey some of this.

I also think that the first section is a little bit redundant, with the scene setting being a little too cliched. I realise that it's like the establishing shots in a film, but why not just throw the reader right in there? I think the story works better if we just get chucked in at the deep end and find our bearings as we go along.

I also think that your narrator over-describes sometimes, which get in the way of the story a bit.

Society Within by Courtitia Newland is an extremely good book that has similarities in terms of subject matter with what you're doing. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Have a look at Society Within and buy from amazon.co.uk here

Cheers,

Mark Brown, Editor, www.ABCtales.com