RE: In Hospital Greys v3

Topic posted in response to In Hospital Greys v3 : http://www.abctales.com/story/kenny-mooney/hospital-greys-v3

I like this a lot but I think it could even better if you pared it down, descriptions often come in threes when you only need one detail:

"He was speaking from under the ocean, his words filtered through the waves and I just couldn't tune into his broadcast frequency..." Do we need the bit about the narrator not being able to tune into his frequency- that much is already obvious. Why not end with 'waves..' and leave the reader sloshing around in the therapeutic ocean?

This para is perfect and should be the benchmark for all the others:

"As I listened, almost in a daze, I noticed the various paintings of ships on the walls of his office; and somewhere at the back of my mind, it felt as though a great oceanic wave were building."

Metaphor has been mixed with mental and physical, an image has become an almost concrete tidal wave of feeling.

The first para has too many details, I think you could cut the first two paragraphs. You should show dramatically (and you do) how the routine is imprinted on the narrator, how he is becoming inexorably caught up in the belly of this sanitized medical monster without stating it so explicitly.

Another idea would be to build in some speech with the nurse, her off-hand insolence when he sees her(unobserved) at the nurse's station, her appraisal of his clothes, her flirting with doctors... A few lines to build on the sexual fantasy

The ending is good but I thought we were gearing up for a symmetrical exchange - him replacing his mother in the bed and her discharge but perhaps that's too neat. I like the suggestion that contact with the hospital turns individuals into disease-models awaiting treatment- the old adage (like taking your car to a dodgy garage) once you're in they find a whole lot of stuff to do to you (not just the windscreen wiper)