Those Stinking breeds by Nuahcerpel.

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Wed, 2006-03-08 15:46

http://www.abctales.com/story/nuahcerpel/those-stinking-breeds

A poignant piece of writing here. A few pointers though. The first line doesn't ring true when applied to apples, maybe something along the lines of " What a mixture of breeds ?( or even mum, why are there so many kinds of apples ?) . The conversation needs to be on separate lines, it would read better. Apart from that, it's a sentiment I like and doesn't go over the top.

Wed, 2006-03-08 16:04

archergirl

Or you may want to clarify 'who' the apple-pickers are; are they immigrants? Do they look different from you somehow? Separate lines, as QueenElf says, will make it read more easily. This is a gentle morality tale; I, too, felt it wasn't OTT, but was thoughtfully written.

Wed, 2006-03-08 17:50

(Reply to #2) #3

nuahcerpel

Thanks to the both of you, QueenElf and Archergirl for your very welcome views. I have edited somewhat in your favor. I'm a newby here to this wonderfull site and have much to learn.

Wed, 2006-03-08 18:02

QueenElf

That reads much better now. I think you used both comments well. I've had some very good tips from other writers, a few leading to a cherry-picked piece. Lisa.

Lfuller

Wed, 2006-03-08 19:51

Juliet OC

A lovely story and welcome to the site. You deal with 'race' in a fresh and unsentimental way, which makes it highly readable. i have to agree with above comments that 1st line doesn't read well, is it the apples or apple pickers that are 'stinking breed' I also think that the last paragragh dilutes the end sentiment of your mother, let the reader fill in the meaning. Just some thoughts Juliet

Juliet

Wed, 2006-03-08 21:14

nuahcerpel

Thanks Julite for your welcoming comment. I will have another look. http://www.abctales.com/set/nuahcerpel/nuahcerpels-stories

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