Conundrum

CONUNDRUM by Neil McCall

The first-year philosophy students met regularly in the student union
bar for drinks and animated discussion; as their studies deepened they
would begin to drink more and talk less, but for now they were swimming
carefree in a sea of ideas, buoyed up by the excitement of leaving home
for the first time.

"Who's got a conundrum?" someone asked.

The members of the group took it in turns to sketch an ethical or
philosophical dilemma, and invite the rest of the group to
comment.

"My turn today," said Jodie. "OK, you open a door and enter a room.
Inside the room there's just three things; a hard chair, a cane and a
member of the opposite sex standing against the wall. One of you is
going to have to give the other a thrashing, and it's your choice; do
you pick up the cane, or bend over the chair?"

There was a thoughtful silence as drinks were slowly slurped; no one
wanted to be first off the mark on this one! Finally Liz spoke
up:

"I'd pick up the cane; after all, I don't know anything about the other
guy, he may be a weirdo and, if he is, at least I've got the
weapon."

"I'd bend over the chair," replied Ben.

"Why?" challenged Jodie.

"I'm a guy," he said unnecessarily, and with some bitterness, "if I do
the hitting I could end up in prison for assault. Whereas if I let her
hurt me, all that can happen is I'll get laughed at. That's how it
always goes." He shrugged and picked up his beer.

"Well, that's one for the cane and one for the chair so far," said
Jodie brightly, "though I notice that in both cases it's the guy that
gets it."

"I'll bend over the chair as well, then," added Rachel.

"Surely, Rachel, in this case it really is better to give than receive,
as your Good Book says?" replied Ben rather snidely.

"No, Ben, you don't take your own suffering and try to dump it on to
someone else! Even if it's undeserved," she continued, slightly more
gently. "Anyway, it's not a noble christian thing, just a matter of
common decency."

"I've been thinking this through," said Jon. "It has to be a set-up,
right? I mean, the girl's in there already, she's not trying to escape,
she's letting you make the decision.
And most people would rather be the hammer than the nail when it comes
down to it. So I'd pick up the cane and see whether or not she bends
over the chair and goes through with it."

"Ooh, you meanie!" protested Liz, and everyone chuckled.

Opinion was now evenly split, the sign of a good conundrum. The five of
them turned to Dan, who hadn't yet spoken. Dan was the only one of the
group who had chosen to take a gap year between A-levels and
university, and had travelled throughout Asia; he had been in countries
where the authorities can simply turn up and drag people away for a
whipping or worse without ever being called to account.

"Any of you pampered kids ever been properly beaten?" he asked
casually.

Five young middle-class heads shook in unison.

"Thought not. If you had, or met people who had, you wouldn't be so
glib about it all." And he refused to be drawn any further.

Dan finished his beer and made to leave, but Jodie jumped up and
followed him.

"I'm off home for the weekend, so I'll nip across to hall and get that
book on Hobbes for you," she volunteered. Dan and Jodie left the bar
and followed a lamp-lit trail across the darkened campus to the halls
of residence.

"You spoilt my conundrum," complained Jodie.

"Sorry," said Dan, "fantasy's fine, but sometimes the reality's pretty
crappy."

They reached the hall and Dan made to climb the staircase, but Jodie
turned instead to a small metal door at the base of the stairwell. It
looked to be the sort of door which ought to be kept locked, but it
wasn't. She beckoned and Dan followed her, and as he closed the door
behind them Jodie switched on the fluorescent light; it seemed harsh
and acrid after the subdued glow of the bar and the patchily-lit
university grounds. They were in the boiler room, and as it was now
late October the boilers were thrumming powerfully to meet the needs of
hundreds of students shoe-horned into the buildings above. Good place
for an undisturbed study corner if you could blot out the noise, Dan
thought. They walked past the boilers and came to another door,
probably a store room or the caretaker's tiny office; Jodie stopped Dan
at this point.

"Count slowly to ten, then follow me," she instructed, and disappeared
into the room beyond.

Dan counted, then opened the door.

Inside the room were just three things; a hard chair, a cane and,
standing against the wall, Jodie.