The Bank Job! (IP) A short play

This reads as though you're very comfortable with it Moya, some real gems in there.

Just two little things.

After establishing that they're robbers, could they have names rather than one and two?

And second, I expected more of a punchline at the end. Can we have a gag to tag onto the last line? a reply from him. He's been so funny all the way through.

Other than that... brilliant, funny, they work so well together.

Nice one Denzella. Some cracking funnies in this, the tights/stockings section is brilliant.

Brilliant Moya - made me laugh out loud. I can picture this short play (or sketch) on stage. Great dialogue.
Linda

new Denzella
Great one Moya,tip top! for stage performance.
All you mention,the bank robbers etc;
Good the way you bring each,person and robbers into all. Discussions brilliant.
Takes me when children would play act! Run up roads,
true1 with stocking over their head,going Nah! Nah! Nah! most frightening those times! Can't say much.
Chidlren always repeat acting tv stunts I think!
julie xx

This was lifted from a full length play I wrote sometime ago and the 1st and 2nd Robber names were not a problem but when I posted this I saw there was a problem with their names right at the end where the Policeman comes in. I should have done something about it then.

As for the punchline at the end, yes,I would have done something about that too but I wanted the piece to end with a smoking gun rather than just someone having a smoke somewhere in the play and I needed to direct it towards the IP

Moya

Hello Scratch,

Thanks for the read and comment.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and for telling me so.

Moya

Hello Linda,

As I've said to Sooz this was lifted from a play I wrote sometime ago. I just thought it would work as this week's IP.

For some reason I just saw the ending of the IP as a smoking gun. It is not how the scene ends in the play.

Glad you enjoyed and thanks for telling me.

Moya

Hello Julie,

Thanks for the read and the comment. Glad you enjoyed

Hope you got my good wishes on your Ruby Wedding.

moya

Hello,

This dialogue is fab! I can really picture the play in my head. can I please play the robber 1 haha just joking. You've got a real imagination and suits your writing to the t.

Well done

Hello Kate,

How nice of you to drop by and read my little effort.

Yes, I like these two characters too. One a hardened criminal and the other an inept but gentle innocent!

Thanks once again for the read and the comment.

Moya

This is our Facebook and Twitter pick of the day.

Join us on Facebook at ABCtales.com

Join us on Twitter @tcookabctales

Get a great reading recommendation most days.

Hello Tony and all at ABC,

What a lovely surprise to come back to. Thank you so much for this.

Wowzers! Facebook and Twitter Pick of the Day!

Moya

Did you hear that Moya? Yes it's the sound of my palace hat being taken off to you. Well deserved honours, congrats. I knew this piece was special the minute I read it and tittered throughout!
Linda

Wonderful, this Moya, and it deserves all its accolades, and more;-)

Tina

Mwahaha.

Lots of fun.

scratch just used this piece as an example of good dialog.

Have to agree with him.

Hello Linda,

I am glad your palace hat is getting another airing. I always picture it as pink tulle. I don't know why.

Yes, I like these two characters, if I laugh when I'm writing then I think I'm on the right track.

I like the sound of 'special' too.

Moya

What is "pink tulle"? It sounds erotic!

Hello Tina,

Thank you for the read and for your lovely comment. I haven't been able to do much reading on the site lately. I've taken on too much yet again. I agreed to take over the press releases for our branch because of illness but at the same time I agreed to do the branch notes for the GSD Club also because of illness and now I've sort of let myself in for writing and directing a play for our branch of Parkinson's. Will l never learn?

Enough of all this...panic is setting in!

Moya

Hello Scratch, I didn't see you come under the wire.

Well, I'm not really sure but I imagine it to be like organza and sort of gathered up like pleated pelmets.
I'm not sure how 'erotic' that sounds but if it does it for you, then what the heck, is what I say!

By the way, White Dwarf mentioned that you used this piece as an example of good dialogue. Thank you so much for that, especially as I saw somewhere that you are an English teacher. Wowzers! I've been boasting ever since.

Moya

Hello White Dwarf,

Pleased to make your acquaintance!

Thank you for telling me about Scratch. And also thank you for your read and comment. I'm off to Bo Bo's now but I will be over to see you as soon as I'm awake which could be in a couple of hours or possibly between five and six.

Moya

English teachers have nothing to be proud of (at least the vast majority that I've met over the years, they're a thoroughly shite lot like most teachers of other lesser subjects).

7;-)

This is a good bit of script. The thing that confirms it is that the afterthought is one of wishing for a little more.

Oh dear, I didn't mean to call you an English teacher if you see that as an insult. I left school at fifteen with no qualifications and although I have since acquired some, I still feel slightly in awe of any well-educated person, which I assume you are.

Cheers for your comments anyway and my blunder can be our little secret.

Moya

Moya and Scratch - To clear up the hat question, the Palace Hat is in fact deep fuchsia pink,made of straw stuff not floaty filmy tulle I am afraid, with some same coloured satin roses on the front. And, Scratch, it can be quite erotic I am told when worn with suitable accessories. Or not.
Linda

No need to apologise at all Moya! I did not take it as anything other than a positive and supportive observation. I guess I feel a bit jaded and down in the dumps at the moment. With talent like your's you have absolutely no reason to feel inferior to anyone.

Kind regards, Scratch.

:-)

Hello Linda,

Thanks for enlightening me and Scratch about 'The Palace Hat' which, by the way, still sounds wonderful. Fuchsia pink and satin roses. Fit for a Queen, I bet she was quite jealous!

I have adjusted my imagination to accommodate this new colour and material.

Moya

Oh Scratch, I'm sorry you feel as you do and I hope it soon goes away. There is nothing worse than feeling like that because it is so difficult to shake off.

Anyway, I thank you for your encouragement.

I wonder if you can help me with another problem I have and that is that Tony has sent me a message which is in my Contacts but I don't seem to have one and I keep getting access denied.

I hope you don't mind me picking your brain

Moya

Hi Moya,

looks like I got here a bit late, better late than
never, me thinks! Ha...ha!

I could really see this as a comedy sketch. Two
comedians, but not sure which. Maybe Harry Enfield
and his partner in crime.

Anyway I thought it was brilliant and you really
put a smile on my face.

Jenny.

Would make a decent 5 – 10 minute sketch in one of those old light entertainment shows we use to get on Saturday night television. Amusing exchanges between the two robbers, and showed clearly their different characters, their levels of intellect and their different priorities and it worked really well. But like some of the above have already said, it needed a much better end. I felt after all your good work in the build-up you kind of abandoned it at the punch line stage, as if you couldn’t wait to get away and have that well-deserved cup of tea. It deserved a much better end, a real surprise twist, rather than the obvious... something to truly nail it. Give it some thought, Moya. Sooner or later you’ll come up with something that will work and do the whole thing justice.

But many congratulations on the cherries and Pick of the Day, etc. etc. etc.

Trev

Hello Jenny,

Thank you for the read and the comment but It is not meant to be a sketch. It is a scene from a play I wrote some time ago. The main thing is that you enjoyed it and were good enough to let me know.

Thanks for that,

Moya

Hello Trev,

Thanks for the read and the comment and I take on board everything you say. However, this was never meant to be a sketch it is just one scene taken from a full length play I wrote some time ago. I thought it might work as the I.P. which was smoking and all I had in my head was a smoking gun. The scene does not end like that in the play.

As for coming up with a stronger ending for this scene, it is just possible something might occur to me and if it does you will be the first to know.

Thanks for the read,

Moya

To all the lovely people who read this piece and commented. I hope I haven't sold you short this time.

Moya

Hi Moya, how the hell did I miss this gem! Absolutely hilarious, the dialgoue is pure genius! Some brilliant lines in this, the tights, his Sister, his Mum and her guinness, all great one liners.

Hello,
This sketch was very funny. I really enjoyed it. My constructive criticism, which I hate to give because you have already been called on the names enough is this: Now you have changed them (to very funny and suitable names too) to my knowledge Rob the Gob's name is never said in the play and Billy's not to the end. If this was ever to be performed, they would need to speak each others name in the beginning for maximum comic potential (maybe you could make a gag out of it).

"A child of five could understand this. Someone go fetch me a child of five." -Groucho Marx

Hello Pebble,

How nice of you to read and comment and you are absolutely right of course. I should have identified them right at the beginning but that's the trouble when you lift something from a longer piece. It is a basic to identify one's characters at the start of a play but because it is so familiar it seems I have become blind to it.

Does Groucho have anything to say on a child of 67?

Thank you once again and I appreciate you giving your time to reading my little effort.

MOya