The Darkened Room
Do not stand guard while I lie sleeping
For in my sleep I hear you weeping
It is not what I want before I die
For I cannot bear to hear you cry
A sick room is no place for you to be
But this darkened room is right for me
The pain has left me now and I pray
It is time for me to slip away
You must live your life as if it were mine
Happy and content in the summer sunshine
Imagine me there, as always, by your side
For as long as it takes for the memory to slide
I do not want your remembrance of me
To be a recognizable pain for all to see
I want for you to have a happy face
Something you cannot get in this dark place
Should I not get the chance to say a proper goodbye
Know that I loved you right up to the moment I die
Now what I want is for you to hold up your head
I will not be lost to you…I will be just one step ahead!
Comments
Luly Whisper | January 2, 2012 - 21:32
Beautiful.
Denzella | January 2, 2012 - 22:54
Thank you so much. I was very hesitant about putting this up!
sue dinum | January 2, 2012 - 23:42
Hello Moya. I thought this poem was beautiful too and deeply moving. I love the tone of your writing, and the rhyming is excellent. There was only one thing that I picked up on...
In your first line (1st stanza) you say 'lay' when I think it should be lie to fit in with the present tense of the sentence. But it's no more than a 'typo' and does not detract from the overall quality of your piece. Much enjoyed.
Best wishes
sue
Blessing | January 3, 2012 - 00:20
Heartfelt and reflective of a topic on many minds here presently.
Denzella | January 3, 2012 - 05:32
Hello Sue,
Thank you for your very kind comments. I'm glad you liked the poem. I hesitated before putting it up as I have only quite recently come to write poetry. I mostly like to write plays though, of course, they never see the light of day.
Thank you also for drawing my attention to the 'lay' 'lie' typo. I'm hopeless at tenses as well as rhythms and scansion but I keep trying.
I am especially pleased you liked this piece because as I think I've already said. I admire your economy of words. As you can see by this reply not something I suffer from.
Best wishes for the new year.
Denzella | January 3, 2012 - 05:34
Hello Blessing,
Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my poem. Yes, sadly, that seems to be the case.
Best wishes for the New Year
sue dinum | January 3, 2012 - 12:48
You're very welcome, Moya. I find critique of another's work extremely tricky because one never wants to say the wrong thing and offend. Most writers are sensitive creatures by nature, even those with big egos (myself). Most of the time they just want to be accepted and enjoyed and receive the occasional pat on the back - nothing wrong with that.
From what I've read so far you are already a fairly competent writer and you will improve the more you do it. I noticed in your profile blurb that you were keen to receive tips and helpful critisisms. I'm happy to do that when anyone asks, but I hardly think you need it.
You're poetry and prose are good, don't be afraid to show it to the world... or ABC Tales.
Happy New Year to you too.
sue
Denzella | January 3, 2012 - 14:13
Hello Sue
Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. Much appreciated
Indrani Ananda | January 4, 2012 - 20:23
Indrani Ananda
A very poignant poem, Denzella, there is reverence between the lines here. However, I think the right word in the first line is infact "lie", as lay is the past tense, ie-" I lay down (on the bed)" while you are narrating the present, "I lie". Some people do say " I'll have a lay down", but this is grammatically incorrect, and is more likely to be a colloquialism, or everyday talk.
Indrani.
Indrani Ananda | January 4, 2012 - 20:24
Indrani Ananda
A very poignant poem, Denzella, there is reverence between the lines here. However, I think the right word in the first line is infact "lie", as lay is the past tense, ie-" I lay down (on the bed)" while you are narrating the present, "I lie". Some people do say " I'll have a lay down", but this is grammatically incorrect, and is more likely to be a colloquialism, or everyday talk.
Indrani.
Denzella | January 4, 2012 - 20:51
Thank you for your kind words on my poem and yes, you are right as Sue Dinum has also picked up on my use of 'lay' but as you will see it is now 'lie'. I do thank you for your help though as I am the first to admit I still have so much to learn and I am not good with tenses, past, present or future. But hey ho I'm just so pleased to think that anyone has bothered to read and then comment on my work so thank you.
It is very much appreciated.
Moya