Fuck, now that’s not a word you hear very often in church
Language like that could only besmirch
The good name of the Vicar, a man of the cloth.
But if the Wardens say anything the churchgoers just scoff.
Because it’s all “Pray for the souls of the faithful departed”
Though I’m praying no one thinks it was me who just farted.
But I’m sure I heard the Vicar, because I was really quite struck
That’s why I feel certain I heard him fart and say Fuck!
And then I’m almost sure I heard him say it again
But it was no more than a whisper so was difficult to ascertain
Because he threw a wobbler and became difficult to placate
Once he caught sight of how little was in the Collection Plate.
So then he went to the Church Wardens and complained
That he saw someone take from the plate before he explained
It was the chap whom he had always suspected of being a tight git
But from now on he would keep his eye on the devious little shit.
"What’s more," said the Vicar, "when he kicks the bucket Lo and Behold
I’ve made sure his soul will end up in a place where it won’t feel the cold!
Because on Sundays, without fail, he always comes to church plastered
But now," said the Vicar, "I know how he can afford it... the thieving bastard!"
However, the Vicar turned nasty when the Wardens mentioned his swearing.
They told him his congregation were all very religious and God fearing
And that his parishioners were not impressed with his potty mouth.
"Well," said the Vicar, "my language was considered acceptable down South."
Then he told them all to”Fuck Off!” and laughed in their face
Saying swearing in Church was quite the best place.
The Church Wardens had no choice but to call for someone in authority
So they called for the Bishop, a deeply pious man, as a matter of priority.
But when the Bishop saw the Vicar his mouth twisted into a sneer.
Then to our horror he said “What the fuck are you doing here?”