Fuck!
Fuck, now that’s not a word you hear very often in church
Language like that could only besmirch
The good name of the Vicar, a man of the cloth.
But if the Wardens say anything the churchgoers just scoff.
Because it’s all “Pray for the souls of the faithful departed”
Though I’m praying no one thinks it was me who just farted.
But I’m sure I heard the Vicar, because I was really quite struck
That’s why I feel certain I heard him fart and say Fuck!
And then I’m almost sure I heard him say it again
But it was no more than a whisper so was difficult to ascertain
Because he threw a wobbler and became difficult to placate
Once he caught sight of how little was in the Collection Plate.
So then he went to the Church Wardens and complained
That he saw someone take from the plate before he explained
It was the chap whom he had always suspected of being a tight git
But from now on he would keep his eye on the devious little shit.
"What’s more," said the Vicar, "when he kicks the bucket Lo and Behold
I’ve made sure his soul will end up in a place where it won’t feel the cold!
Because on Sundays, without fail, he always comes to church plastered
But now," said the Vicar, "I know how he can afford it... the thieving bastard!"
However, the Vicar turned nasty when the Wardens mentioned his swearing.
They told him his congregation were all very religious and God fearing
And that his parishioners were not impressed with his potty mouth.
"Well," said the Vicar, "my language was considered acceptable down South."
Then he told them all to”Fuck Off!” and laughed in their face
Saying swearing in Church was quite the best place.
The Church Wardens had no choice but to call for someone in authority
So they called for the Bishop, a deeply pious man, as a matter of priority.
But when the Bishop saw the Vicar his mouth twisted into a sneer.
Then to our horror he said “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Comments
Stan | January 2, 2012 - 13:56
Denzella... I'm sorry, I'm hopeless at criticism. This hugely appealed to the sacrilegious, profane and irreverant side of me (by far the largest side!)
Some of the lines don't scan, and you change metre in each stanza - but those are hardly crimes for someone like me. The humour carries it along.
All I'd really suggest is... try reading it aloud. That's what I do to see if it's 'working'.
I still like it, anyway :)
Denzella | January 2, 2012 - 15:45
Hello Stan,
No you are not hopeless at criticism. Yours is the most constructive feedback I've had.
I must admit it was the humour that was paramount in my mind but I have to make a tiny confession. I don't think I have an ear for metre and I'm not sure what you mean by some of the lines don't scan. Are we talking syllables here?
And I do read my stuff aloud but sounds ok to me. See what I mean about not having an ear?
Thank you so much for this feedback and I'm glad you liked it.
Denzella | January 2, 2012 - 15:45
Wowzers!
Stan | January 2, 2012 - 17:04
Well... scansion, metre... same sort of thing.
Here's a limerick that kind of sums it up:
There once was a fellow called Stan
who's limericks didn't quite scan
'The reason,' said he
'is quite plain to see...
...I always try to get just as many words into the final line as I possibly can.'
To be honest, there's nothing worse - for me - than all those 18th century poems with their rigid metrical forms...
du-DUH du-DUH du-DUH du-DUH du-DUH
du-DUH du-DUH du-DUH du-DUH du-DUH
etc. It's good to break up the rhythm. But then, when you hear a first-rate actor read a Shakespearean sonnet, you barely notice the metre at all.
Metre, feet - the iamb, trochee, spondee, etc - it's useful stuff to learn, and not as complicated as it all sounds, It's all about stresses and syllables, and where the stresses occur. So, DOUble has the stress on the first syllable, reTIRE on the second syllable, etc. But it isn't necessary to swallow all that if you have a kind of natural rhythm and understanding, anyway. And the important thing is... if you read it aloud and it flows well for you, then what's wrong with that? Isn't that the main thing?
Like I said, I enjoyed it... so keep it going.
PS if you really are curious about all that stuff, here's a useful short guide:
http://server.riverdale.k12.or.us/~bblack/meter.html
Don't get too bogged down by it, though! ;)
Denzella | January 2, 2012 - 18:05
Stan you are my main man! Thank you so much for all of the above. I want to understand the rules even if I don't follow them.
Stan | January 2, 2012 - 19:08
My pleasure, my dear :)
Life would be a very poor thing if we always followed the rules!
sue dinum | January 3, 2012 - 21:37
I agree with Stan on this one, Moya, although I too found it hugely amusing, enjoyable and inventive. A little trick I use, when I'm trying for a uniformed rhyming style, is to try and match the number of syllables for each rhyming line as far as possible. Read the line to yourself (or out loud) and count the syllables in it. By shuffling the order of words, substituting some of them to either up the syllable count or lower it, you will achieve a far better metre (rhythm) which I think Stan was alluding to. But like him, I still liked it a lot and laughed. Hope this helps and well done.
Brave title by the way, and clever idea to combine blasphemy and the church.
By the way, I like play-writing and script writing and I can see why you are attracted to it. You have a very clear voice, and your dialogue is always spot-on and convincing. Your narrative (in your stories) is very dialouguesque (sorry about that) and I can imagine you would be very suited to it.
If you were serious about it, it might be a good idea to get involved with a local drama group. When they get to know you and your work, they may well be willing to perform one of your script/play ideas. Give it a go, I'd be pleased to advise you here and there in the creative process for what it's worth. I have attempted adaptions (short story to TV production) in the past but have never submitted anything anywhere.
sue
Denzella | January 3, 2012 - 22:44
Thanks, Sue, for all of the above. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I was quite worried when I first put it up because of the deafening silence. No one commented and I thought oh dear I've offended but then I thought hey what the hell I've read worse than that on this site. I have actually had one play which I co-wrote put on locally with a mixture of pro's and amateur actors and I have someone who is going to approach Parkinson's UK to see if they would be interested in putting on our latest effort as I re-worked the script to have one of the main characters suffer with Parkinson's as I thought we were missing a trick and could use the play to raise awareness. I have also written a six part comedy drama series for tv but the first ep came winging its way back just a little while ago. Trouble is I can't sell myself and I don't want to spend more time trying to find a market for stuff already written when I could be writing something new. However, if Parkinson's Uk are not interested then we intend to try the local AmDram society for One Day A Lion.
Best wishes Moya
sue dinum | January 4, 2012 - 19:46
Well, I have to say congratulations are in order, Moya. I hadn't realised you were so far down the road already, but I have to say I'm not surprised, and really good that you took the opportunity of raising awareness about Parkinson's. I noticed in your profile that you are a sufferer, but I thought I wouldn't mention it unless you did. It must be very difficult for you, I think its wonderful that you carry on doing things, especially creative things. I do not know a great deal about the disease and I don't know what stage you are at. I can only assume that you manage it at the moment and you have my sympathy. You have my best wishes for the future.
As to the TV series, well done again, I mean to actually complete a project like that, even if it gets turned down is really something. I might help to get an agent, it might not. I've never used one, but I would guess they're pretty overloaded people and one might be paying them a fee for promoting one's work without knowing how much work they are really doing for you. But keep plugging away. Sometimes it's better to submit an idea for a whole series before committing yourself to writing the all the episodes. One off play/sitcoms are a different matter of course.
It has always struck me that many of the writers that have made it in TV already had some kind of connection in the industry and were able to get their scripts seen by the people that mattered. But I guess that's a cynical view and should not put any outsider off from submitting material.
Best Wishes
sue
Denzella | January 4, 2012 - 20:38
Sue, thank you so much for all the above. I really appreciate your encouragement. I'm not that far down the line because until someone is prepared to produce one's work it never gets to see the light of day. The very first play I wrote I sent to the Beeb and they seemed interested for a while until I said it was the first thing I had ever written then it was thanks but no thanks. Really it's the independent production companies that are the best bet but I don't think I'm any good at selling myself and I'm not sure I write well enough. I do it as much for my own amusement as anything else but who knows...one day!
As for the series, I first had the idea in the 80's but only jotted down one page of dialogue then didn't do anything with it until quite recently. Then, just as I finished Sky put out Trolleyed and my series was called "Checkout". Such is life! But I haven't abandoned all hope. I have another play that is ready to send out which I think would be ideal for tv but is written in stage format. And another one also written in stage format but again more suited to tv. Probably neither will see the light of day but writing keeps me occupied in the wee small hours when I sometimes feel like I'm the only person awake in the world! However, I have had an idea that I might take four of the characters from my series and just post up their conversations in a series of shorts. I will have to give it a try.
Sorry I didn't mean to go on as much as this. Hope I've not been too boring and I do appreciate your encouragement and help.
Thank you
sue dinum | January 5, 2012 - 18:38
Not at all, Moya, it's really nice talking with you.
Keep the scripts coming, I do believe you have it in you (talent). After that it's just stickability.
sue
Bernard Shaw | May 11, 2012 - 16:02
I must say I had a real good bout of laughing after reading your witty sacriledge. I once had a Vicar that farted after nearly line of the sermon he was reading. It was difficult for us kids to keep a straight face how the adults managed Well some laughed out loud most of the Ladies said that the poor man suffered from Crohns disease or something like that. Thanks for the laugh bern.
Denzella | May 11, 2012 - 17:59
Hello Bernard Shaw,
Thank you for reading and commenting on 'Fuck!'I was so surprised to see I had a comment on something that I posted some time ago. Very glad you enjoyed and very pleased you were kind enough to comment.
Thanks once again!
Moya
Sooz006 | July 1, 2012 - 16:56
As already pointed out, as rigid poetry goes, this isn't your best, but it was amusing and the last line is brilliant, loved it.
You have just given me an idea for my next Diary when I'm all done with Katy (as you know I can't post my own anymore) How about a priest with tourettes? presumably he'd have to go, but how unfair would that be? What if it was taken to a court of human rights? Which way would it go? Surely regular members of the congregation would learn to just ignore the ticks. I am actually joking ... but it's an interesting question.
Thanks for the read Moya.