A Monologue Part Two The Buffet
I’m sorry, Hyacinth, I thought you said the Dining room. No, oh, sorry. Oh, but I absolutely love what you’ve done in here. Such an improvement on how it was before, but then, being artistic, you’ve always had good taste. Oh, I see, you’ve just stripped the walls ready for decorating. Well, all the same, it’s a really nice effect and I love the purple and orange splashes of colour and all the names and measurements as well as the textured walls. Oh, that’s just old bits of wallpaper. Well, I’d leave it as it is because it really is such an improvement on how it was. I’ll go through to the lounge, shall I?
Hello everyone, long time no see…still you’ll all be pleased to know I’ve brought the little chap with me. He’s grown since you last saw him. Come in Fang and say hello to the nice ladies, oh, and the nice gentleman. Sorry, Vicar, I didn’t see you sitting there. NO, Fang, NO, I think it’s the dog collar that’s attracting him. If he tries to grab you by the throat again give him the command DOWN or is it OFF? I can never remember.
Oh, now what's he up to...no,Mavis,no, please don’t let him do that to your leg. Ah, now I remember…that’s when you use the command OFF. He won’t come off. Give him a little push it won’t hurt him…he’s got to learn. Well, there was no need for that. Oh, I see, you didn’t push him you think he’s seen the food. No, whatever you do don’t try to stop him. Mind you, Hyacinth, you’ve put on a lovely spread. When you said a buffet I thought it would be your usual half dozen stale baps but you’ve really surpassed yourself. It all looks lovely. Well, it did but Hyacinth, you should know better, haven’t I told you that you should never feed a dog from the table? What? Well, it wasn’t me who let him get on the table. I don’t think I like your tone. It’s lucky for you the food table is more substantial than that flimsy affair in the hall otherwise he might have hurt himself when he jumped up but don’t think of disturbing him now, not while he’s eating. Don’t worry, he won’t be long he’ll soon polish that lot off. There…what did I tell you? Come down now Fang, there’s a good boy. He’s very obedient…at the dog club they say he’s exceptional! Well, no…they’re not the exact words…I think it was something like they’ve never experienced one like him before.
Mavis, how many more times? You’re just encouraging him. I’ve spent all this time training him and you’re just putting him back. Give him the command OFF like I told you. You’re not exactly Dog Whisperer material, are you?
Oh, it’s all right he’s found something to play with. Oh, Hyacinth, don’t scream like that. You’ll frighten him. Well fancy leaving it there. I’m sure if I’d paid Three Hundred and Fifty pounds for a hat for my daughter’s wedding I’d have put it somewhere safe and out of reach. Well, as you can see, the little chap can reach and in any case, it doesn’t say much for your sense of occasion Three Hundred and Fifty pounds…for that! They saw you coming. Your daughter would have been distraught seeing her Mother turn up to her wedding wearing a Frisbee. Well the puppy thought it was and dogs can be very discerning.
Vicar, if I’ve told you once, if he goes for your throat again TAKE THE COLLAR OFF! Not HIS…yours! That’s it. Now, Fang, give the nice Vicar a kiss. No, you’re all right, just sit very still; he always gives a deep throated growl when he kisses. It’s a sign of affection. He’s really taken a shine to you. Yes I’m sorry about that. I don’t know why they do it. Our other dog used to do the same. They lick their bottom and then they lick you. I think it’s their way of welcoming you into the pack. But in your case there does seem to be a definite connection between his bottom and your face. There’s an affinity there that is very moving and really…quite beautiful.
Now then, Hyacinth, there’s no call for that. All puppies are mischievous they soon grow out of it so it’s totally unnecessary to take that tone with me…and as for you, Mavis Trimble, you can keep right out of it, you’ve had it in for Fang ever since he ate your shoes. He wasn’t to know they were Jimmy Choo’s. They might have been the most expensive pair you’ve ever had but they very nearly ruined his digestion! Besides, you’re only jealous because Fang’s copping off with the Vicar otherwise you’d have been slathering all over him. It’s not my fault the Vicar prefers Fang!
Oh, don’t worry… I am going…I’m not staying here to be insulted… Yes, I said I’m going…just as soon as Fang gets off the Vicar’s lap. Well, then, you try, if you think you can… He is obedient, it’s just that we haven’t got that far at the Dog Club…don’t suppose we ever will now that someone’s poisoned their minds against the little chap. No, Hyacinth, no, before you even think of trying to persuade me, I’ll not stay a moment longer. I never expected to be treated like this. Why, I’ve never heard language like it…and him a man of the cloth!
Mind you, Hyacinth, you know me, I’ve always been a peacemaker and I don’t like to leave on bad terms, only it’s like this. Arthur’s booked a last minute fortnight in Tenerife and the kennels are full so knowing how fond you are…No. Perhaps the Vicar then…no! Mavis?