Two men in an East London pub, Dodgey Dave, whose always winding people up and his mate Bloody Steve, called that because he uses the word "Bloody" all the time.
The word "cant" is in place of the word "cunt", which I know offends many people and this story has the word "cant" in it a lot. Enjoy!
Dodgey Dave and Bloody Steve were in their favourite haunt. The Black Lion pub in Plaistow, East London.
Dave as usual was holding court.
“You see Steve, there are lots of cants in this world but they all have their order in the degrees of cantishness, cant can be used in all sorts of ways and that’s why Professor Lingo of South America devised the degrees of cantishness., he won the fucking Nobel prize for it back in 86!”
Bloody Steve was having none of it.
“Bloody hell Dave, it’s bloody obvious isn’t it, a cant is a cant and that’s the end of it!”
“That’s what you think Steve but hear me out ok?”
“Go on then, let’s hear the bloody theory”
Dodgey Dave stood up and went over to the blackboard next to where they played darts; he drew a large upward curve from left to right.
“So, let’s take Ken, you know, Ken who comes in here, never says hello to anyone, never smiles”
“Ok, what about him?”
“Is he a cant?”
Bloody Steve thought for a second.
“No, he’s not a cant”
“But if someone described him as a miserable cant, would you disagree?”
“Err no, I suppose not”
Dodgey Dave jumped in straightaway.
“You see, he is a cant, but just a miserable one, that would be about here on the degrees of cantishness”
Dave put a chalk mark just below half way on the curve. Then eager to get his point across he started playing to the crowd.
“What about Lenny, Lenny who comes in here and never buys anyone a drink, but will accept one from everyone else, would we all agree he is a tight cant?”
About seven people in the pub all looked up and agreed.
“You see Steve, he’s also a cant, but he’s a tight cant, that would be about here on the degrees of cantishness”
Dave drew a line about halfway on the curve. Dave now had the whole pubs attention. One of the old regulars sitting at the corner of the bar suddenly shouted.
“What about Old Mat, who only comes in her twice a year because his wife won’t let him, he’s a boring cant!”
The whole pub cheered and then agreed, Old Mat was just that, a boring cant! Whenever he came in, which was rare cos his wife wouldn’t let him, he had no conversation, wasn’t interested in anything, just nodded from time to time, he really was a boring cant!
Dave was now in his element.
“Exactly, he’s is one boring cant and would be about here on the degrees of cantishness”
This time the line was drawn quite low, maybe a number three.
Even Bloody Steve was getting excited now.
“Yeh yeh, what about bloody Pete who comes in here always looking for a bloody fight and threatening people, what about him?”
Dave was straight on to it.
“Well he’s just a nasty cant, no mistake”
Everyone agreed. Pete was definitely a nasty cant.
Dave drew a line on the graph high up.
“Now a nasty cant is quite high up on the scale of the degrees of cantishness, about a number 8 as far as Professor Lingo is concerned.
Even Pat the barmen was now involved.
“Heh, tell you what, where does Big Tony rate on the scale”
Big Tony was the most nasty, evil, vile, low life that ever entered the Black Lion; he was now doing a ten stretch for beating up his wife with a garden spade because she pulled up one of his flowers thinking it was a weed. Not content with that he then went indoors and attacked his teenage daughter with her own laptop.
Everyone in the pub waited to see where Big tony was on the degrees of cantishness scale.
Dodgey Dave did not disappoint.
“Ah now we’ve got to the top, Professor Lingo was quite clear about this, Big Tony is a COMPLETE AND UTTER CANT”
The whole pub cheered as Dave put a chalk mark right at the top of the curve. He ended up by summarising.
“You see good people of Plaistow, everyone is a cant but it depends on what level of cant you are, that’s why Professor Lingo developed the degrees of cantishness, poor Steve over there is an absolutely silly cant, but that’s a nice cant, but still a cant. Big Tony is the other end of the scale, he’s a complete and utter cant, you can’t get worse than that”
Pat the barmen shouted out.
“Beers for all you cants here today!”
They all got a pint and Dave asked everyone to raise their glasses.
"Don't know if any of you saw the early news today but Professor Lingo died yesterday in Bolivia aged 84"
The whole pub sighed and raised thier glasses to the great man. Dave continued.
"Now there was one clever cant!"
The whole pub roared and chanted his name. LINGO, LINGO, LINGO.
Another fantastic day at the Black Lion.
Comments
Linda Wigzell Cress | August 1, 2012 - 21:53
A brilliantly thought out story Jolono. Titter-making throughout and a great ending, Cant say fairer than that!
Linda
Sooz006 | August 2, 2012 - 00:17
I was prepared to hate this.
But it's bloody good.
not a single typo
Funny and well written.
and can somebody give Linda a cherry for the end of her comment, the missing apostrophe made me splutter, nice one.
jolono | August 2, 2012 - 08:01
Thank you Linda, glad you liked it, loved the last line of your comment!
jolono | August 2, 2012 - 08:05
Sooz, I remember you saying once that you hated the "C" word, this would have metioned it over 40 times, so replaced with cant!
Ed Crane | August 2, 2012 - 15:54
Hey again Jojo
What's in a word eh? I live in Belgium and in Flemish/Dutch the polite word for backside is kont. And the word for breeding anmals is fokken. So a dog breeder is a hond fokker (male or female)
Nobody would be offended if you said, 'there's that fokker in the corner, sitting on her kont.'
This piece kinda reminds me of the Derek and Clive album.
Kont say better than that.
jolono | August 2, 2012 - 19:39
Thanks bexs, it is autobiographical, I made up these degrees of cantishness many years ago after a few beers in a pub, it's now a standing joke between a few of us. If someone calls someone a cant we always ask "but where is that on the degrees of cantishness"
Stupid but great fun!
Thanks for the read.
Denzella | August 22, 2012 - 22:40
Will comment tomorrow. Cant tonight going to bed
jolono | August 23, 2012 - 13:22
Yes, get back to bed with you, it's far too late to be reading and commenting.
Denzella | August 23, 2012 - 14:30
I've logged in to comment but don't quite know what to say so I'll just say pity that pub didn't have a swear box it might have been the main contributor to finding a cure for malaria or some such thing!
Still funny!
Moya
jolono | August 23, 2012 - 14:50
They did have a swear box moya, we've now paid off the National Debt of Greece for them.....
MS | September 19, 2012 - 21:15
Youre a funny cant, i loved this.
jolono | September 19, 2012 - 22:06
Thanks mate.
Stan | February 19, 2013 - 09:16
I say use the word, mate. If people don't like it - then people don't like it! My sister-in-law says she refuses to read or watch anything with that word in it. Great! That guarantees me she won't read any of my stuff. Which is good - 'cos she features in some of it ;) She's also depriving herself of Trainspotting, Withnail and I, V, Tropic of Cancer, Atonement, My Beautiful Laundrette, The Vagina Monologues, Jerry Springer - the Opera... and on and on. Reminds me, too, of the bit in 'Coupling', when Steve is expelled from the delivery ward:
Nurse: She said you can't.
Steve: Yeah, trust me, the word wasn't can't!"
'Tis only a word. The power it has, though...
jolono | February 19, 2013 - 10:15
Cheers Stan. It was just that there was so much of it in the story. If it had been just one or two then no problem. But theres over 50 in it!
Stan | February 19, 2013 - 15:40
Gotta say... it's one of my favourite words! One used in the right context can be hilarious. Over 50 can work well, too! Anyway... I read it the way I wanted to read it, and it made me laugh.
First time I heard it used like that was when I was 15 and got a Derek and Clive tape. At first, I was shocked. Then I rolled up! Played it to death...
jolono | February 19, 2013 - 15:56
Like me Stan, Derek and Clive creased me up. I bought the album and was amased at how funny a word can be. Unfortunately, I use it far too much!