Opening her eyes in darkness, Kira heard fat raindrops spattering the window like tiny birds.
Tic tac, tick tic-tac.
Warmly conscious, she swung her arm between the sheets as if parting the sides of a cool envelope. Robert’s half of the bed was empty.
Tic, tic, tic-tac, tick.
Not raindrops.
In the morning sunlight, over marmalade and kettle steam, Robert was distant, evasive.
“Trouble sleeping?” she asked, a muffin of a woman, wrapped warm in a dressing gown.
Squinting into the backyard, he gulped down coffee. “Just got up a bit, checked my emails.”
The next night the same.
Tic-tic, tac-tic.
And the next; for weeks.
Kira lay awake each night, head filled with lurid images of young thin women twisted into torturous poses, aware of being passed over, waiting for him to come back to bed.
After waving Robert to a new day, she turned on the computer, determined to end it, confront him.
On the screen, his search history:
‘Can I love Mum back to life?’
‘Reversing death.’
‘Dying of sadness.’
‘Dreaming back alive.’
‘Help Mum, I’m lost.’
Guilty, Kira suddenly saw how small and sad Robert was, waving solemnly at her from the street each morning.
Comments
fergal | March 20, 2007 - 15:48
First of all this made me cry. Not just a few tears but a proper sob fest. I think this is a sign this story is very good.
If I have to analyse why it is good one of the things I would say is that the difference between his reality and Kira's makes it very real. Her fear is that she is not enough for him - her imagining of the porn shows that. His reality is something quite different, something much more than the usual fears we all have about why our partners are withdrawn.
The only bit I didn't like was the fat raindrops sounding like tiny birds. Didn't work for me. Thin raindrops like tiny birds would work better. Also fat raindrops sounds familiar to me.
Mark I love your 200 word stories. They are some of the best things on abctales.
All best,
Hayley.
Jingle | March 20, 2007 - 19:22
A clever piece Mark. I liked it. A perfect example of precis technique not often seen. The only bit missing for me was any suggestion of love between the two. More of uncertainty of their mutual committment. Quite how you get those feelings and emotions into 200 words.....? Make a good challenge for Inspiration Point though. P.S. Well worth the Cherry!!!!
leftboy | March 23, 2007 - 10:29
I like the story, i.e. what happens, but the prose seems a little self-conscious to me. Some of it works ("a muffin of a woman") but the raindrops bit doesn't; too lugubrious in a story this length.
ggggareth | March 25, 2007 - 06:42
One of your best, Mark.
Regarding the rain drops - at first I thought they had no place in the story at all, but then it came to me (perhaps I'm slowing down) - are the raindrops Robert tapping his keyboard...?