(1) The Boatman Problem

I was woken at 6.30 one morning by a hammering on my back door. I quickly dressed and hurried downstairs to find Alun in excited mood.

“It’s the boatman Jed, he’s going to Canada.”

“Canada? You mean the boatman’s emigrating?” It seemed unlikely. The boatman is extremely patriotic and has even been known to support mainland sports teams, in spite of their renowned inferiority to races that can actually play ball. Besides which he speaks with a very heavy regional accent and is not easily understood by English speakers from other parts of the mainland, let alone Canadians.

“Don’t be a fool Jed. The boatman would never emigrate. But he’s going on a three week vacation.”

“Three weeks?” The longest period the boatman had previously been away was a long weekend seven years ago, when he attended a ferrymen and boatpeople festival. “How on earth are the islands going to cope?” The boatman’s thrice daily visits to each of the islands on the archipelago are our lifeline with the mainland and our main contact with each other. That weekend had led to chaos, with mail neither sent nor received, and essential supplies from the mainland (whisky) not arriving, leading to a rare and unwelcome sobriety breaking out across the archipelago.

“It’s such a bad time as well, what with Mary Beard’s book launch next week. How are the islanders going to get here? How is she going to get here?” (Professor Mary Beard was launching her ‘History of Happy Island’. Professor Beard had encountered the island’s historic documents when she came to open the island’s History Museum).

“There’s no need to worry Jed. We’re taking over.”

“Taking over? But I don’t know how to drive the boatman’s boat.”

“You don’t have to Jed. He’s been training me up these last few weeks.”

“I thought you’d been quiet recently.”

“I know how to work the boat, I’ve mastered the route and the schedule, but I’ll need your help distributing the mail and collecting the booty from passengers.”

“You mean you’re going to take me to the mainland?”

“Yes Jed. It’s about time after all. You’re nearly 40 years old and you’ve never once set foot on the mainland.”

“It’s a long way away.”

“Five miles isn’t a long way Jed, not in this day and age. Besides, you’ve travelled to Distant Island, the last island in the archipelago, which is 18 miles away.”

“That’s different. Islanders are all the same, not like mainlanders.”

“They’re human too Jed. Besides, you’ve been out with a mainlander, your father’s a mainlander and you make your income selling novels on the mainland. Your publisher and agent are both mainlanders.”

Despite my reluctance I finished getting dressed and followed Alun down to the boat to make the morning delivery to the other islands.

The morning passed without incident. We delivered new notebooks to Terrence and Other Terrence, the residents of Oblong Island, who are both aspiring writers. We delivered mail, groceries, took orders for the next day and exchanged gossip and rumours. In no time at all the morning run was over.

We sailed back through the archipelago towards the mainland. After many failed attempts, a thousand abandoned plans, our boat was set full-speed, straight ahead for the mainland. The mainland – where my father now lives, where my dalek ex-girlfriend lives and where I have never ventured in all my years. What will if find there? What adventures like beyond the archipelago I’ve spent all my years in. ‘I will soon find out’ I thought to myself. But I was wrong.

Just as we’re approaching the mainland something totally unexpected was to happen that would change mine and Alun’s lives forever.