The Time to Die
Laura Chalker leaned back in her chair, the silence drew out between them, her patient, a fifteen year old, who always wore a black velvet choker, would be the first to speak.
‘I can’t answer that question.’
‘You tried to hang yourself, but you don’t know why?’
‘Always the same questions, over and over again. I’ve told you everything that I can. It’s the same ones week after week, month after month. Why can’t you just let me be?’
‘Because you have to understand that you’re not well, Jade. Why did you try to hang yourself?’
‘It’s my time to die, that’s all.’
‘That’s all? You say it so dismissively; I think it’s a pretty big deal, don’t you? The girl shrugged, her fingers comfort stroking the arm of the leather recliner in which she sat. ‘When a fifteen year old girl with everything in front of her tells me that she wants to die, I take that very seriously.’
‘I never said that I want to die. I have to?’
‘Why?’
‘Because it’s my time.’
Jade, you’ve been saying that for twelve months now. It’s a year since the accident. You’ve punished yourself enough and it’s time to give yourself a break.’
‘No, it’s time to die. I should have died with the others, we all should. And everyday that you keep me here is going to make it harder for me, afterwards.’
‘Who says? Who says there even is an afterwards. You’re being pretty presumptuous, aren’t you?’
‘Caroline says.’
‘Caroline’s dead, Jade.’
‘Exactly.’
Comments
Stan | June 17, 2012 - 11:00
No time wasted or messing about here, Sooz. You've got the situation right there, and mainly achieved in dialogue - which is believable. I'd be interested in seeing where it's going from here.
Just one thing that caught me - right at the beginning:
'Laura Chalker leaned back in her chair, the silence drew out between them, her patient, a fifteen year old, who always wore a black velvet choker, would be the first to speak.'
I'd work on the construction of that. I'd split it into two sentences, with the first one ending on 'between them.' But also, something jars in those first two phrases: 'Laura Chalker leaned back in her chair as the silence stretched out between them' or something like that might sound better. Just my opinion, though.
Keep it going, I say!
Sooz006 | June 17, 2012 - 12:35
Thanks Stan. Will do with the first sentence. It was that one sentence that I really wanted to impact with. I remember a review once that said something like, 'The first three words summed up everything I hate about this book, the next three convinced me that I love it.' That is a huge misquote, but the first three words contained the word, fuck.
I've never really given enough thought into crafting the first sentence. And with this one I wanted to grab the reader instantly. What I need to learn is, that cramming three sentences into one, does not a better sentence make!
Thank you.
Stan | June 17, 2012 - 12:44
One I'll always remember, for some damn reason, is the opening sentence in Stephen King's 'The Mist'.
'This is what happened.'
Ok, Steve... I'm hooked. Tell me!
Esther | June 17, 2012 - 14:40
Hi. Your story grabbed me and it flowed. The last sentence left me wanting to read on.
Sooz006 | June 17, 2012 - 20:15
Thank you Esther. I'm still pretty much in the thinking stages, but I'll continue and see if it leads anywhere.
Esther | June 17, 2012 - 20:23
Thinking stage is a good place to be but you have gone far beyond a thought; writing is such a exquisite experience plumbing the depths of the mind and then weaving a story.
skinner_jennifer | June 18, 2012 - 11:42
A great beginning to a story Sooz. Hope to read
some more.
Jenny.
Sooz006 | June 18, 2012 - 12:48
Hiya Jenny, thank you.
alex_tomlin | June 18, 2012 - 20:52
This is definitely an intriguing beginning. I would say not to worry too much about the beginning as many successful writers go back and change the beginning once they've got the who story down. But I don't even follow that advice as once I've got a beginning I tend to stick with it, even if it's not much cop. But I'm not a successful writer!
On your first line, I personally think there's too much information in there and it lessens the impact. You could release that more gradually - the age of the client, the scarf could both come later, leaving just Laura and the silence with the client as the opening image. The rest of it flows nicely though, revealing the situation bit by bit.
Sooz006 | June 19, 2012 - 11:07
Thanks Alex, really appreciate it. I've already re-worked the first sentence on my master.
I'm back to thinking about this one, my first idea (just in the beginning) was too much like Final Destination, though it did take a radically different path after they'd established that they were meant to die in the accident and therefore it was written that they must.
I don't like that, so I'm back to thinking about ways to keep my storyline but make the beginning different.
Thanks again.
Denzella | June 29, 2012 - 21:43
Hello Sooz,
Just to confuse things even further I think you reveal too much in the beginning. With your ability I think you could write an ambiguous beginning that grabs the reader but the real information is held back to the last possible moment.
Oh dear, in 'Braiders' a play I co-wrote, the opening line is 'Fuck off!' I believe if one is going to use a swear word then one should aim for maximum impact. The film Nine to Five has only one swear word in it yet that is the word that made that film for me.
Or, maybe I just like bad language!
Moya
Edenfalls | July 25, 2012 - 10:23
Sorry Sooz somehow missed this.
I thought the dialogue was really good, so much was revealed in such a short passage. It leave the reader wanting more.
Follow up?
Sooz006 | July 25, 2012 - 10:31
Thank you Moya and Eden. I played with this one a couple of weeks ago now. This is so fantastically good, that when I saw a new comment for it, I had no idea what it was about and had to read it again to remind myself. I think when the writer can't remember what she's written it's probably not worth the bother. The idea failed me because I didn't like the similarities to final Destination, though that was only at the start. I've made a few notes, copied these comments over and may come back in the future, but for now it's firmly shelved. Thanks both.