My Demon - Lisa Hinsley

Just popped off to the loo to give it a read - sorry, was that too much info? Generally speaking, I like the idea & I'm intrigued to know what Clive wants of Cat. Like the overall chatty, conversational tone. It does, I have to say, remind me slightly of Bedazzled - a film which I think was not quite as terrible as people said! There were a few descriptive points which jarred slightly - 1 or 2 cliches and a couple of things which were described a little too simplistically - I shall, however, come back to you on the specifics of these after lunch, when I've had a chance to take my red pen to it! "P"

Okay then, specifics... (bear in mind I'm no expert in this kind of thing, so what follows are just suggestions!) 1. Maybe a little bit of description about what Jeremy's 'work' is. 2. '...drug work it's way through her system...' - should be 'its' (no apostrophe) 3. Repetition of 'very loud' in para2 - also maybe a bit more descriptive than 'very loud'/'very loud and intrusive'...? 4. Maybe a little more description of Jeremy's 'long hair' 5. '...Cat looked around the van, and as she stared towards the back of the van...' - close repetition of 'the van'! 6. '...rather good-looking man...' - vague! 7. '...truly Adonis-like features...' - cliche! 8. Is 'fuddled' correct? Should it be 'befuddled'...? 9. '...rather strange apparition...' - vague! 10. Maybe say 'daintily' rather than 'in a dainty manner' (simpler) 11. Perhaps be more specific about the 'numerous' candidates Cat has been 'selected from'...? (e.g. 'ten thousand,' 'over a thousand'... etc) 12. Don't you mean '0800' rather than '0900' number? 13. When I first read 'cool box' I thought you meant 'box that is cool' - perhaps needs a dash ('cool-box') or to be one word ('coolbox')...? That's about it! A couple of things I particularly liked were... '...decided to ignore the stoned lump...' '...Hopefully, he wouldn't show her the something scarier...' Hope you don't think I'm being too critical - I wanted to give a detailed appraisal, because overall I really like the idea & where it's going, & it's definitely something I would read... I just want it to be as perfect as it can be! There were also a handful of grammatical/punctuation things I noticed, but without physically pointing them out, it would be hard to... you know... point them out. I think some have been covered above (i.e. not by me)... I'd just put the whole thing through a spelling/grammar-check if pos... Or get an English teacher to have a look! Anyway, very good luck in getting the whole novel finished &, more importantly... published! Yours hopefully helpfully... *** pepsoid ***

I have to apologise for my phrases such as cool box. I spent some of my early years in America, and some of the lingo stuck. Then I spent a bunch of years in Portugal, speaking very little English, and it my words took on a life of their own. I happen to be one of those weird people what mince and mix popular and frequently used phrases into something vaguely without realising. Like all the comments, I will print off and attack the wording. This is my second attempt at a big book, all in all very rewarding! What was Bedazzled about? Thankfully, Lisa

Bedazzled... http://web.info.com/infocom.us/search/web/bedazzled%2Bhurley? ...etc!! (film with Liz Hurley & Brendan Fraser)