A Quarter into Heaven

I'm interested in your view. What was wrong with the gang? Did I just detail it too much or was it unnessasary? I love to hear feedback thx maisie If you wanna hear god laugh tell him your plan. It's better to be hated for who you are then be loved for who you're not.

This is by far the best piece of yours that I have read, Mike. It's got a good plotline, it's very visual and it bounces along at a good pace. I agree with Maisie that the gang stuff doesn't really work - but by then it's almost what you Americans call, I believe, 'goofball' comedy - and nothing wrong with that per se. Well done: http://www.abctales.com/story/mikepyro/a-quarter-into-heaven

I think that this is a good sketch for a story, a bit like a schematic of film plot. This happens, then this happens, then that happens. I think the story would be strengthened greatly if you didn't run at it at such a great speed. I'd try to take a little time to describe things and make me feel what's happening, rather than tell me what's happening. When I read this I can hear your voice telling it, rather than experiencing it as it happens. Limbo must have more features than being a "large, cubicle filled office". Is there any windows? Does it have a scent? When Tom comes back to life, you describe it as: "Tom gasped and leaned up. He struggled with the black plastic bag that surrounded him. Turns out it was a body bag. He quickly unzipped the bag and stepped out, ignoring the paramedic’s screams." This is quite a momentous event. People don't usually come back to life. What happens to the paramedics? Is Tom's resurrection on TV? How does it FEEL to come back to life? I'd be more interested in hearing about this from Tom's point of view, rather than from the narrative distance that you have used. I think there are some lovely moments in the story, but you really need to bring them out by giving them life and drama. If you think about it, Tom has escaped from limbo, returned to life, and is collecting enough plus points to enter heaven. There's a lot of drama there if you can throw Tom into the narrative rather than describing from a distance a series of actions. If I'm not being too clear, I can give you a look at how I would approach one of the scenes in the story, so you can see what I mean. Cheers, Mark Brown, Editor (on leave), www.ABCtales.com

Wow guys I'll redo the stroy. I thought it was okay but I never thought I'd get a cherry for it. Thx alot guys. And Mark, I'll change it, u're right it does need more detail. Thx everyone. :) If you wanna hear god laugh tell him your plan. It's better to be hated for who you are then be loved for who you're not.

Congratulations, Mike! I will read it once The Bill has finished, lol.

Wow!! I devoured this in minutes. What a great idea for a short story! I loved every minute. I agree about slowing the pace down and adding more description, but this is a brilliant start to add to. There is also a point, i think just after he dies, where the narrative changes from third person to first person. Apart from that, I enjoyed every second of reading it. Well done you!

Thx eral. By the way ur pina caladas story is awesome. Much like sex and the city if u ask me. If you wanna hear god laugh tell him your plan. It's better to be hated for who you are then be loved for who you're not.

Good night everyone, thx for the cherry, and may everyone's dreams come true. Oh yeah, and don't buy choclate for the wrong reasons. If you wanna hear god laugh tell him your plan. It's better to be hated for who you are then be loved for who you're not.

Mike, That was the best that I've read from you, congrats on the cherries! :) I have to say, like others have pointed out, I am surprised at your young age. Lisa

Oh yeah markbrown, and anyone else who didn't realize, Tom isn't trying to collect points. He's just trying to make ammends with his family and friends before he dies. If you wanna hear god laugh tell him your plan. It's better to be hated for who you are then be loved for who you're not.

I enjoyed this story and liked the style. In fact I read the whole thing so easaily as I thought it flowed so well. Often I don't read to the very end of every piece but this one was great. I loved the idea.