the Prey by Queen elf

7 posts / 0 new

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Tue, 2006-01-31 11:13

This is so full of surprises - and haunting as well. I think you could raise the tension even more and work and work at this one - it's very good but it could be even better:

http://www.abctales.com/story/queenelf/the-prey

Tue, 2006-01-31 12:31

QueenElf

Lfuller Many thanks for the feedback, I'm delighted with the Cherry, of course, but constructive comments are very welcomed. It's a special pleasure as I'm so new to the site and although I've read around a bit, I'm still getting used to the forums.

Lfuller

Tue, 2006-01-31 14:08

Juliet OC

it is a great plot, some fantastic description. 'My nostrils flare with the smell of rich loamy soil and the tang of autumnâ€™s decay assaults me in ways I cannot describe' I jsut wonder if you could try writing in the 3rd person, to maybe allow for the follower to have some plot - what is he thinking etc. And maybe mess about with the order - so start with some hint to the horrifc event with the sister, before launching into the present, to draw the reader in. You may end up back in first person and the same order, but the exercise can help to improve the final version. Really enjoyable read, ty. Juliet

Juliet

Wed, 2006-02-01 15:19

(Reply to #3) #4

QueenElf

Lfuller Thanks for the comment, I initially wrote it as a "twist in the tale" story but I do love writing descritive passages and I could well extend it. The original idea was to keep the reader thinking "this is a helpless girl," I'll play around with it a bit. Thanks so much. Lisax

Lfuller

Tue, 2006-01-31 14:44

Foster

excellent writing, great descriptions not overly done - i really liked it. juliet gives some good adivce - i agree that it is very good but could be even better.

Wed, 2006-02-01 15:23

(Reply to #5) #6

QueenElf

Many thanks for the feedback. It's always difficult to decide what to put in and what to leave to the reader's imagination. Lfuller

Lfuller

Thu, 2006-02-02 10:54

patrick_allard

I liked this. It could have been a bit cheesy if done wrong, thankfully you were quite subtle. The two twists were done well and we were given just enough. If I had to criticise it, I would say that the mother thing didnt really work for me. I really liked the idea, but it just didnt sit right. Which was a shame cos I thought the idea was nice and sinister.

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