A life that would have been by Foster

I really enjoyed this too, brought a smile to my face after a truly awful day. I tend to agree with Juliet in that the last paragraph is not needed, I feel the story works better without it. Still great though!

Yep. same as above really. Great little read, good idea. Similar thoughts about the last para now its been mentioned, but still cool though.

Loved the style, still grinning. What a great idea. Also agree with the last paragraph. Lisa

that was actually pretty good. i loved the way it flowed and the style it used, good job Foster. That was awesome.

Thank you, Juliet, for the flag, and also to everyone else who commented. It's obvious the last paragraph needed to go, so.....it's gone. Thanks, everyone. foster. and to you, spiffy shoes - welcome to the site.

I liked this a lot, it sort of circles into itself. A pleasure to read. I started to notice the repetition of 'would've' a lot - and wondered if 'would have' might make a difference, since it seems quite a formal narration too? Having said that, maybe it's some weird personal thing I have with 'would've'??

I kind of agree with Byrne about 'would've' - I think it just looks a bit funny written down. Great story, though. Neat and well-executed. I've got a bit of a soft spot for circularity in short fiction, so this went down a treat. I can't work out if I like the phrase 'struck by a bus' or not. My instinct would be to go for 'hit by a bus' as the vanilla option. Nitpicky I know, but the phrase does recur a few times.

Can I add any more .No not really.... except ....Thanks it was a great read.

Thanks for the feedback - I agree about the repeating "would've." I still think it pops up too often, but I thought "would have" would've been TOO formal (and there I go again). I thought about hit, and even blindsided, for the alliteration...settled on struck, but not completely sold. foster.

Brilliant! I loved it. but those would'ves got up my nose. 'Would have' would have worked far better for me - but it's horses for courses.

Thank you, Tony, and also to everyone else who helped me with this story.

And now it's Story of the Week!

Excellent choice TC! well done Foster.

Thank you everyone. foster.

Pure entertainment. Well crafted, held my interest from the outset- cogratulations. The technique is very astute.I'll probably purloin the idea for future use.(Imitation is the purist form of flattery) Thanks again for an excellent read rkc Verba Volant, Scripta Manent

http://www.freewebs.com/michaeljamestreacy/index.htm Excellent story - amazing insight. Enjoyed the read.

Damn! I wouldn’t have wanted to be poor Lawrence for anything in the world. Sounds like the only thing that was a gift to him in life was not seeing his final moment coming. I liked the premise of the story and found it humorous to some degree. Although, not unusual, the idea of someone plagued with such bad luck, or Snake Bit, as we call it here in my part of the South Georgia. The story was a good read and I enjoyed some laughs taken at the expense of someone else’s bad luck. I found the pace slowing and becoming a little choppy by the middle of the story. I think for me it was a seemingly overuse of “would have”. This catch phrase is essential to the story, but its overuse IMO takes away from finding humor in the tragic events of one man‘s life. My suggestion would be to find a way to pare down the use of this phrase. This dominantly narrative style, which contains only a sprinkling of internal dialogue, is somewhat challenged to maintain the readers interest based exclusively on the recounting of tragic events. I think the story would be more successful IMO if you were to attempt to find a more humorous set of circumstances, yet still tragic, on which to draw the reader into the story. All and all, I enjoyed the story and look forward to reading more of your work in the very near future. elmo PS: I noticed that it was stated above that the story had become story of the week. Congradulations!

Thanks for the feedback, Elmo. Those would have's have been an issue from the start, so I'm not surprised you picked up on it. I never thought of the story as funny until I read Juliet's opening post, followed up by the one from camus - from then on I could see the humor in it, but strangely, not until then. Your other suggestions were well placed, too. You've given me a few things to think about - thank you. Also, welcome to ABC - I look forward to reading your work. Also thanks to rkc and mickleberry.

I felt the humour at the beginning too, but found it worked to make the following paras even sadder, esp 'After two hours of ale, he would have pleaded, “Help me.” No one would have heard him.' The wording traps him in the inevitability of it all from the start... I want him to escape from it but know he wont! - beautiful, well done. jem

Very enjoyable read Foster - i was wondering if the occasional 'might have' might work? should/could/may have too? Will read again - nice one x