Paper cuts

THE Ferg put up a thread some months ago about the major life sacrifices she had made for her Art.

I cannot be bothered to find it.

And anyway, this is a little different. I'm not interested in the big upheavals, but the small inconveniences that you find in day-to-day life, as a result of writing.

Here are mine:

1. Lapburn.

Ever sat with a laptop literally on your lap for an extended period? Then you too may have suffered from 'lapburn'. I nearly rushed myself to A&E thinking I'd developed some fast-acting VD yesterday, but it turned out to be heatrash. A friend told me today that laptops near the testes can be very bad for fertility, too. I said, "It's probably not as bad as the 30 cigs a day", but that's beside the point.

2. What an eyesore!

My eyesight is now appalling. I can't see more than 10 feet properly. I'm too vain to wear glasses too. One has to work with what one has in the looks business, and I don't have much as it is. Have you tried getting glasses that can suit a face like mine? Impossible, I tell you. Contacts?! Poking my eye? Are you joking?

3. Tune in/out

Despite the fact I am hardly (a) prolific or (b) particularly good at this writing lark, I find myself inspired to write whole stories from little comments I hear all too frequently. A casual remark by a friend or well-wisher will wrap itslef up in my little but overcrowded brain and remain knotted there for up to thirty seconds (as long as my MTV-generation attention span lasts). The effect: People saying, "Ben...Ben! Are you listening? Are you okay? What's up? No, come on tell me..." etc.

Any of you have any similar issues?