Nathaniel - Chant

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Mon, 2006-06-12 12:50

Brooklands

Nathaniel - Chant

http://www.abctales.com/story/chant/nathaniel

Wow. This is great. It's refreshing to read some longer poetry. This is witty, insightful and fresh.

I really like the structure. It allows for a lot more flexibility. The poem changes form alot but, because of the way each section is split, it seems natural, not irritating.

"Cue chalked, he pulls up
a chequered sleeve,
takes a long pot.

Hush.

On his arm,
a few scars. "

The precise, spare images work very well. I like the idea of the poem as an act of chasing down, butterfly-catching.

I like this:

"In their concrete
tower the Shell lords
inspect a map."

It has both a kind of conspiratorial insect-overlords feel to it as well as suggesting Shell the oil company and general big business badness.

The phrasing here feels a little awkward:

It is to the youngest girl,
the one who wants to join in
but isn't sure how to,
he speaks.

I thought that this was a bit unnecessary and a bit cliche:

Your perfection is the
cross I bear. It eats me.

I love the implications of par kour too. "What else is Bluewater for?" I love this.

Very good stuff. It felt really fresh.

Thanks!

Joe

Mon, 2006-06-12 14:45

Jack Cade

Ah, this is an older one of Chant's, but it's fantastic! The relationship between Nathanial and the narrator is an electric mix of love, admiration and jealousy.

Mon, 2006-06-12 15:31

bosch

Can only second and third the approval of Joe and Jon. I nominated this one for the anthology at Uka and admire a longish poem that coheres, that doesn't have dead spots, that features a springiness, and clarity. Very nice. Swep

Mon, 2006-06-12 19:02

fergal

Superb actually. Do read it if you haven't.

Tue, 2006-06-13 11:13

brighteyes

I adore this: "My cellphone goes off. Jean. Where am I? I lie. Watch him raising the moon." I think two of my crits would be the actual mention of Bluewater - for some reason I enjoyed the lack of geographical rooting - and the description of the "black man climbing" doesn't quite seem frenzied enough and almost dulls the mention of gunfire, which has provoked a sense of urgency and danger so far. Also this stanza/section: "Enough of Nathaniel. Who am I? A butterfly catcher. I seek out beautiful things and pin them up." I'd end it after "butterfly catcher" - far more sinister. The reader can do the maths on what a butterfly catcher does and apply it to Nathaniel. Love this bit long time: "Rooftop. Gunshot. Doves spray upwards." I also enjoy the fact that it doesn't have closure. In a way it admits it cannot sum Nathaniel up, or file him away. That's where the format of tiny verses really works well. Staunch stuff, Sir! K x "I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy."

"I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy."

Tue, 2006-06-13 11:22

fergal

Ooh. I agree with the butterfly catcher thing. Didn't know I did until I saw it.

Wed, 2006-06-14 15:21

chant

spack, thank you very much for starting the thread, and for your thoughts. jack, swep, fergal, brighteyes thank you so much for commenting. all suggested amendments will be seriously considered. spack, yes, general big business badness was one of the targets of the poem. corporations are constantly trying to turn areas of the Southbank currently used by skaters / bikers / traceurs into shopping parades. one time i saw a Shell Centre security guard approach a group of kids doing parkour and say 'why don't you get yourself jobs, earn yourselves some self-respect'. presumably the money earned could then be spent in one of the new shopping centres. meh. the world is too much with us ...

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