chronicles of emo boy - by sincerelme

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Fri, 2006-01-13 11:57

fergal

chronicles of emo boy - by sincerelme

http://www.abctales.com/story/sincerelyme/the-chronicles-of-emo-boy

For various reasons I thought this deserved a cherry.

The main one was that it made me laugh... the main character's mood swings and defiant self-denial is great. As are all the comic asides, and the way each section begins with Emo Boy saying how much everyone hates him. The writer has made a naive narrator without mocking him too much - just enough. (I'd be interested to know if this was on purpose).

For example:

"So after school I went home and did sit ups until I thought I was gonna throw up. It was either that or the Elton John music playing in the background. Gays make me sick. I finished my homework and went online. I only have like five people on my buddylist. Everyone hates me."

There is a lot going on in a paragraph like that. And it ending with Everyone hates me is funny. Especially as Emo Boy has just been spouting hate about gay people.

The idea of a secret society that tries to prevent bi-sexuals is actually quite funny - although I was worried where it was going to go when I first read it.

Main thing was that it propelled me to the end when I was reading it, which is always a good thing.

A couple of comments: When Emo Boy mentions casually towards the end that he was now okay with bisexuals and gays and that he may have even tried it himself, I thought that was too easily popped in. He seemed to change his mind from being a fervant campainger ('Gays make me sick') to an acceptor very quickly...maybe you could show that point without explaining it.

Also the bit with the kidnap and police happens very quickly.

Other than that, I have to say that I enjoyed it a lot.

Fri, 2006-01-13 16:26

Enzo

I posted a topic on this a couple of weeks ago. Having just skimmed the piece again, I would add that the 'turnaround' of the character at the end is poorly delivered, and I can't feel anything but a mild irritation about the whole thing. This is the only time I've disliked something enough to comment (I even let that piece of 'erotica' that Tony cherried some while ago pass by...remember that?!), but this really didn't sit right with me at all. So Ferg, unusually, I disagree with you entirely, I don't think this deserved a cherry at all. Anyway, here's what I wrote before: Spent a while reading this so thought I may as well comment. http://www.abctales.com/story/sincerelyme/the-chronicles-of-emo-boy It needs a fair bit of work on getting grammar / spelling and tense use correct, but all of that aside, I'm curious as to the (seemingly) arbitary homo (bi-) phobic positioning of the protagonist, right from the start: "If I had to name one thing that I hated, it would have to be bisexual people. They stop reproduction and ruin the world" Am I missing some irony here? I don't get it. Enzo.. www.thedevilbetweenus.com

Fri, 2006-01-13 18:20

Juliet OC

I think the plot/ story is great and in places it is very funny. But this reads like a first draft/ sketch. The setting is not made real enough, it needs some description. the whole piece needs to be slowed down, i felt like it rushed me through. I think the characterisation of Emo is rounded but the other characters lacked substance. this is also a tendency to tell rather than show, let the action describe the feelings for example: 'One night Hip Top and I got a call. My Chemical Romance was coming to town, and you know what that means. Yes, Gerard Way, a leader of the not-so-straights. We had to make him leave. Before it was too late.' Instead of telling us allow the characters to speak to each other: the phone rang, Hip Hop picked it up 'Ur... Uh... Huh, what that toss pot' etc. I do think it deserves the cherry for the plot, but it needs lots of work. Juliet

Juliet

Fri, 2006-01-13 19:07

camus

This is an odd one, the author is apparently in High school in America...If that is true then I agree with Fergs and Juliet that it probably does deserve a cherry. However (I could be wrong but here goes) I feel that this reads more like an adult pretending to write like an American teen. The other story in Megan's set reads to me like it was written by an English person rather than an American. As I said I could be wrong (usually am!) and if so then Megan, congrats on your first cherry!

Sat, 2006-01-14 00:08

mikepyro

USA USA USA! (i'll stop now). I'm glad that megan has recieved a cherry so soon. I must say that highschool writers aren't all bad. We may have a great writer on our hands. "Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you."

Give me the beat boys and free my soul! I wanna getta lost in ya rock n' roll and drift away. Drift away...

Sat, 2006-01-14 18:57

neilmc

I liked it too overall - though I'm not sure about the kidnap scene and the fact that a teenage character fires a gun at another for me takes it into too-serious territory. But I think it's very funny, the narrator's sexual attitudes are conflicting and sometimes absurd, such as the comment about bisexuals inhibiting reproduction, which takes away any edge of real homophobia. In fact, the main character seems a bit like the lad in the "I'm Not OK" video by My Chemical Romance. For a high school writer Megan has a very strong grasp of irony and doesn't overdo it (for example with the vegan issue). Really promising work!

Wed, 2006-01-18 08:29

fergal

Just caught these comments - and thought I'd respond. I suppose there are all sorts of reasons for giving a cherry to a piece of work. When I first came on here a couple of years ago I thought that only work that seemed publishable should get a cherry... but I feel differently now. There are lots of things 'wrong' with this piece - the speed of the entire plot, the strange way it all 'turns out all right in the end' - the main character goes from being an active campaigner against gay/bisexual tendancies to being okay with it in a relatively small amount of time. And I wasn't too sure if he would have got the girl, really. But there is something in it - it is funny - the unknowingness of the narrator - the things he says about himself without meaning to. You get the picture of someone very twisted and confused and angry and bitter and lonely and sexually frustrated and, well, adolescent. I said in my original post that I wasn't sure how much of it was intentional - I hoped it was, although it might not be. 'I'm curious as to the (seemingly) arbitary homo (bi-) phobic positioning of the protagonist, right from the start: "If I had to name one thing that I hated, it would have to be bisexual people. They stop reproduction and ruin the world" Am I missing some irony here? I don't get it' From that line 'If I had to nameone thing I hated...etc' I read that as, 'If I had to name one thing I hated, it would have to be me.' I saw this character as a classic projector - projecting things onto others that he feels about himself. That was why it got a cherry.

Wed, 2006-01-18 08:47

fergal

Hmmm, well I just read the following: http://www.abctales.com/story/sincerelyme/another-untitled-story-ch-1 and it read like pastiche to me... pastiche of an American teenager.. so who knows?!

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