cherries

I don't know, I was flattered. Span

Ooh, can I elucidate? Good word, must use that in a sentence over dinner... I like the way you have to read bosch's 'Personal Ad' more than once to untangle the lines, especially There are riches in these rented rooms, The walls lined with Dalis' propped, Rather than hung, because of damage Deposits. I wonder about the apostrophe on Dalis', not sure if you need that but then my punctuation was always slightly patchy. I also wonder whether it might look more interesting without a capital letter at the start of every line. Other than that, I really like it. It's dense and sort of desperate. 'Outside' by span is beautifully evocative. I like the picture box moon, and the star eyed camera, the mothers with the babies and buttons and the non flying cats. Given it a strong name to grow into something more than a constellation of nerve endings. is rather lovely, as is the entire last stanza. Some mist telling of tomorrow morning is in on everything, with its white walls and light shafts and bed like a beautiful childhood. I did have a couple of typos to point out, I don't think there's an 'e' on lens, and 'mothers' doesn't need an apostrophe. Not sure about the title either, I think it needs to be as magical as the poem. All in all though, rather special, span.

Mmm, yes! I really liked both of these. Loved the wonky sad romance of Bosch's piece. And Span's was full of surprising imagery - the biro on the brick. The final line is startling and strange and actuallys bears the weight of being mulled over. Can a bed be like a beautiful childhood, I asked myself. Yes, I said to myself, it can. Only thing I didn't like was the cats wanting to fly - any mention of something 'wanting to fly' seems a bit hackneyed, to me. Good flag Chanting. Joe

chant: Thanks for flagging 'Personal Ad'. You've also noted span's poem which bears her unique stamp, the language always springy and interesting, and often beautiful. Span: perhaps some hyphens for some of your word combinations i.e. 'picture-box', 'star-eyed', and 'dark-bellied'. Is 'lense' the right form of that word, or would it be 'lens'? Accordingly 'Given'? maybe 'Giving' or 'Give'. I start to agree with spack's reservation about 'cats.../complaining about being able to fly' but then decide to trust the poetess, and her vision. I do agree with spack on the wonderful last line, and the strong stanza that sets it up Some mist telling of tomorrow morning is on everything, with its white walls and light shafts and bed like a beautiful childhood. Swep

where IS macjoyce when you need him?

was JUST thinking then, Chant BBF Span Lib Spack Bosch Fish sounds exactly like someone putting a shelf up. Almost a poem in itself, that list of usernames.

Fish, what do you mean? Where is Macjoice? Span

Wow, I have a stamp!? Cheers Bosch and Chant. I know, cats that want to fly are a bit twee, I just meant they want to chew the birds but will cut it as I agree it is a bit trite. I really appreciate the feedback. I will go consider hyphens for the rest of the afternoon. Bosch, the personal ad poem is a grower indeed. I am going to read once more and then give better feedback. Yes Cath carr, it also sound like a DIY advert. Maybe we should write a group poem. I am such a frustrated Blue Peter presenter. Span