Plea for help

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Sun, 2012-06-10 15:18

Plea for help

I would appreciate any comments on how I can improve my poem Going for Gold which is a fiftieth Anniversary poem. By improvement, I mean the technical aspects as I don't seem to have an ear for metre or rhythm. The words are not set in concrete so if it was necessary to alter some in order to improve it that would be okay too. Writing proper poetry doesn't come naturally to me but this poem I want to be as special as I can make it without it being written by someone else. I am also more than a little embarrassed not only by what I've written but also because I am drawing attention to it. However, I am prepared to live with that.

Moya

Sun, 2012-06-10 16:30

TVR

Hi Moya, I haven't read it yet but I will and offer any help I can, although I'm not too clever at poetry myself. What I will say - and I think I've mentioned it before about this particular poem and event that's so important for you - is that whatever you write will be from the heart so just stay faithful to that premise and it will come out fine. If you start worrying about metre and rhyme it may tempt you to stray from your true thoughts for the sake of satisfying that technical aspect alone. Don't worry about it because you are writing for a loved one who I assume is not a serious critic, just someone who loves you dearly. I don't know how literary appreciative he is, But I doubt whether the technical aspect of your poem will worry him unduly. The most important thing is the emotion and sincereity you convey with yours words, and you always do that. So do what you always do so well and write from the heart and I bet hubby will love it as much as any of us. Trev

TVR

Tue, 2012-06-12 06:44

(Reply to #2) #3

Denzella

Aaaw Trev, You're such a great guy! Thanks for all of the above and you are right my beloved will not be in the least bit critical even if I should write it in a foreign language. He would just say. 'Lovely dear! Very nice!' Mind you, if he does...he will be saying it from his hospital bed! Moya x

Mon, 2012-06-11 00:15

Sooz006

I'm all read out for tonight, hun and I'd like to come to it with fresh eyes. I'm no poet, so don't know if I'll be any help to you, but I can try. See you tomorrow.

Tue, 2012-06-12 06:47

(Reply to #4) #5

Denzella

Sooz, I can't thank you enough for being prepared to come galloping to the rescue. Moya

Mon, 2012-06-11 12:38

alibob

If I absolutely had to change something about this, I would change 'Time invested has proved to be time well spent ' to 'Time invested has been time well spent', because it seems more powerful to me. But I'm not a poet. And really I don't think you should change a single word. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't be thrilled to have a poem like this written for them. My grandad once wrote a little poem for my nana. It's not a great literary work, but she treasured it, and now, so do I.

Tue, 2012-06-12 06:55

(Reply to #6) #7

Denzella

Hello alibob, It is so nice of you to take the time and trouble to read and comment on my poem. I think you may be right too with that "Time invested" line. I have taken different bits from different people without, I think losing what I wanted to say and not so much that the poem is no longer my work. Thank you Moya

Mon, 2012-06-11 18:48

Parson Thru

For rhythm, try to imagine Alec Guinness or Richard Burton reading it to you :)

Parson Thru

Tue, 2012-06-12 07:13

(Reply to #8) #9

Denzella

Ooh I like the sound of that. Richard Burton! Hey what! But I do have some difficulty with the line 'And if we've had a bit of a ding dong' which is a bloody nuisance because the only person who pops into my head saying that line is Leslie Phillips that actor who was always in the Dirk Bogarde Doctor in the House series of films. Showing my age again! Thanks though...like the suggestion just got to get rid of that Phillips bloke Moya

Wed, 2012-06-13 19:28

#10

Parson Thru

I s-ssay! Jolly good show!

Parson Thru

Wed, 2012-06-13 20:11

#11

Denzella

DING DONG!

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