Camilla by Lisa Hinsley.

Thought the beginning was a bit clunky, or some of the phrasing was, regarding the needle, and the ignored stains, and I didn't like the ending. Sorry. Didn't ring true for me, too happy. Beauty and pathos to be found in spades though in the passages about the man and his baby daughter, his handing her over and meeting again. That was well handled, I thought, painfully sad.

lisa, usually i think short stories need to be shorter, but this one could easily be twice as long. its so good, but i felt rushed through it. the images are strong and with more of them, the ending will seem more plausable. this story is too good to leave as is, or so i think. foster.

I seem to have a mixed bag of comments, thanks for them all. I am actually on a rewrite - from a different angle, although the ending will probably be the same. The story is actually a Greek myth, updated. So I was confined by the boundarys already in place. Basically a wealthy man is hounded out of the city with his baby daughter, gets to a river with the mob at his heels. So he attaches Camilla to a spear and with a prayer to Diana, and giving the gift of his daughter he throws her across the river. He shakes the mob, finding Camilla safe and sound. He becomes a shephard and she a disciple of Diana. Thanks again for the comments, Lisa

Didn't know this myth, am gonna go and look it up! On a second look at the story though, and bearing the myth in mind, I think the only thing that rankled at the end was having the ex-junkie father sitting in the pub with a beer in his hand. That's what didn't ring true, not so much the happy ending. I don't suppose he could fetch up somewhere else, could he? I might be being picky here...

Why wouldn't an ex-junkie become a pub goer? Just asking... Not that I know many ex-junkies, but I would have thought he might swap one vice for another more *harmless* one. So tell me where you see Tom ending up?

I like it Lisa, reminded me of ( I think) Silas Marner, where an unpleasant old man is redeemed by the gift of a child. But Tom seems to change too quickly and we cover an awful lot of time in a very short space - what happened at the social services, how did he get her back, how did he struggle to bring her up as a baby when he had his own habit to contend with, was Lucy just a foster mum and did her lifestyle impact Camilla or Tom ... there's lots which could be expanded.

great story, i really could picture that grubby room. Being picky now this sentence has ignored and not noticed in - therefore reads a bit clunky. 'He climbed off the sofa, ignoring the stains and smells that he no longer noticed, and stalked over to the bedroom.' And simple typo here. should be he not her. 'Camilla’s lower lip quivered as Tom backed away, but her knew it had to done.' it definetly needs to be longer i agree with Neil's comments that too much happens to quickly- one minute he is so hooked he ignores his daughter and the next he is clean. bu i read your rewriting it so look forward to next version. Juliet

Graphic stuff at the beginning, but would agree with neil in saying it needs to be longer, I thought the long journey he was undertaking and arriving at the house was him going to re-hab. Was he clean when he picked her up again. Like others said it does leave a lot unexplained. About the pub thing, it would all depend on how he got and stayed clean, some ex-junkies are able to drink in moderation once they've dealt with the reasons they used, (me for one), though it's not generally encouraged. I was surprised when you said in the thread that you didn't really know any ex addicts as the scene at the beginning was very true to life. Harry Kerdean

I've been a bit slack at reading other people's stories just lately, so I thought I'd have a look at this. I normally like Lisa's stuff. This is no exception! Although it's not about giant bugs and the like... It does have a fantasy feel about it - & I think I would've said so if I didn't know it was based on a Greek myth. It has been said that it could be longer, but its brevity gives it the feel of "modern fairytale." It all wraps up quite neatly and nicely, but in a not-quite-real way, which gives the seemingly happy ending a tinge of irony. Good work, Ms Hinsley! :-) * P * :-)

Just to confuse the issue, I too liked the brevity. I don't think it would benefit from a detailed description of the character's personal journey to get straight, it would detract from its fairytale feel. I'm with pepsoid on this one.

Having just re-read it I noticed it did say about it having been a long few hard months for Tom, so maybe enough was said about getting clean, maybe that piece could be mentioned before he starts the journey to see the daughter. As for the happy ending being ironic, I don't agree with that, there's many a happy ending once people have sorted their lives out. Harry Kerdean

Jeez. That actually brought tears to my eyes. I saw no irony in it; it was just sad, sad, bittersweet, and lovely.

Re irony... I'm interested in what the "horse's mouth" has to say... Lisa? :-) * P * :-)

I think there's the makings of a really good story in this, but at the moment it's way too quick and skips right past a lot of important bits. It all seems a bit wish fullfillment at the end, Tom hasn't earned his happiness.

Thanks for all the input everyone. First - no irony, it is at it is. Best said by Archergirl. Personally, I like the shortness of this one, I am rewriting, and it is completely different! So Maddan, why hasn't he earned his happiness? He was a junkie who got clean, his wife/partner/girl overdosed, he had the courage to give up his little girl to make things right. What more did he have to do?! And Harry, although I have not personally known a needle junkie, I have known people with *lesser* addictions who were basically in the same place. I guess I drew from those memories. Thanks again for all the comments, I have lots of food for thought.

Lisa anyone who's kicked a habit deserves happiness as you said. With regards to the comments to me It wasn't so much the mind state but everything else that sounded very real to me. I think the writing was blinding and caught the moment as it often is, ie the man seeing his fuck ups as they are and doing the right thing, brilliant work, and not stereotypical, meaning that the addicts aren't soul-less individuals, they can be brought to their senses. Harry Kerdean

So Maddan, why hasn't he earned his happiness? He was a junkie who got clean, his wife/partner/girl overdosed, he had the courage to give up his little girl to make things right. What more did he have to do?! We never see it happen, he jumps straight from being a junky giving away his kid to being clean, she leaps straight back into his arms and bang, he's a happy woodsman drinking beer in the pub. His redemption is total, and he never worked for it (at least not on screen - so to speak). Giving up Camilla should be almost unbearable, but all we're told is "Then the hard part came", kicking the drugs should be tough as hell, but all we're told is "six months later", seeing his daughter again should be a terrifying experience, wracked with guilt and recrimination for things he can never make up for, but she just jumps into his arms. I realise if you're playing with a myth then there's a different criteria at work and these things are more forgivable, but I just want more damnit.

That reads a bit harsher than I intended, I do like the story, especially the dead girlfriend bit.

Excellent story./ Somewhat clumsy at parts, but the vivd imagery pushes its way through. This sort of reminds me of the British Film Trainspotters. Only with a much happier ending.

I thought the ending of Trainspotting was quite happy really, after all Renton got all that money.

Well, not the actual end, but I meant when the baby ends up dying.

Okay, thanks for all the comments. I have two versions now. One is completely different and still a work in progress. The other will be posted in a mo and is a rework of the original. I appreciate all the crit, and went for the more shouted issues. Thanks again :)