A - The Greatest Myth

She is gone. It's simply not possible to be friends with the girl you love. No matter what you've heard to the contrary, it's like trying
to fill the Grand Canyon with a spoon. No matter how much you put in, it's always gonna be empty. The torture of hearing her talk about her new boyfriend, the unseen staring when she wasn't paying attention, noticing the smallest, most seemingly insignificant things about her...like she had six freckles on her neck, and the second toe of her right foot was a little crooked, and she had the power to make me face my life every time I saw her. Yeah, those seemingly insignificant things, they'll get you every time.

She is gone. And with her my heart, my joy, and a big part of me. Every time something like my friend telling me that he is engaged happens, it
drives it home yet again the hollow emptiness in my life. And even though a very sincere part of me is happy for him, I also want to tell him to go fuck himself .

No, she does not guarantee my happiness, but she is part of my happiness, because making her happy made me happy. We were something of a couple at one time, when I came in handy. But now her happiness comes in the eyes and arms of some tall, clumsy asshole who chews with his mouth open. She was with me, leading me on, giving me hope, and then the bumbling slob steps in and gets her everything. Visions of them in bed together crawl inside of me like cockroaches, devouring my every cell.

I work on my dissertation because I have nothing else to do. I know it may seem hard to understand, but I am now missing me, and there isn't much to be excited about.

I will finish the dissertation because it is expected.

I will be at my friends wedding because it is expected, and for him it is important.

But that is the end of it. There is nothing else left for me to hold on to.