Broken promises...

I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever
again&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;.

I sit hunched over a scrap of paper scrawling these lines with a
shaking hand, tearing myself up inside. How many times have I written
this? Over &; over &; over again, I promise I'll never do it
again but I do, again &; again &; again. How many people have I
hurt? How many lives have I destroyed?
I know I should be thinking about my own life, what I'm doing to
myself, but I can't get their faces out of my mind. Disappointed faces,
broken faces&;#8230;broken and torn with hurt and disbelief.
They can't believe that I did it again. "No, not again," they think,
only just after they've gotten over my last screw up. After I promised
I wouldn't do it again. I can't help it though, it just happens, it
just takes over sometimes and I can't fight it! "You don't even try,
you stupid little bitch, don't make up excuses!".
Sometimes I try to make myself believe that they drove me to it, that
it's all their fault&;#8230; they never brought me up right, they
never cared enough, they should've stopped me&;#8230;they, they,
they, they, they&;#8230; when the depression finally settles in
after it's all over, I see all their faces, crowding me, distancing
from me, avoiding my eyes. They try to hide it, but it shows. I see it
in their eyes, the hurt, the disappointment&;#8230;the
embarrassment. I embarrass them.
I don't mean to, I love them&;#8230;no, really I do! I'm not lying!
"Then why the hell do you do this to them? You're just so selfish! You
only care about yourself, little bitch." No! No! No!
My conscious is like a second person. It's almost like it has
substance and form &; it feels like it's sitting next to me
sometimes, another presence in the room when I'm trying to be alone. It
fights with me, tells me what I've done wrong. I know it's right, but I
don't want it to be, so I make myself believe that it's not. Sometimes
I make up stories in my head, I imagine that I'm the perfect child. I
never embarrass anyone or disappoint anyone in any way. I'm just like
Jasmine.
Jasmine would never hurt anyone. She's their little girl. She's
perfect. Everybody loves Jasmine. Everybody. Even strangers seem to
fall head over heels, "she's so perfect" they think. And she is.
You see, I'm the problem child. The one that can't do anything right.
Of course, everything is my fault. No matter what goes wrong, "She must
be the cause of it" they all think. Even if they don't say it out loud,
I can hear them saying it. It's just in the way they look at me, how
they glance at me out of the corner of their eyes and then look quickly
away when they know that I'm looking. They never meet my eyes. I think
they're afraid. "Of course they're afraid! Look at what you've done to
them! They are terrified of you, they hate you, and it's all your
fault!" Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
I walk into the house. They are all sitting at the breakfast table. I
can hear them talking and laughing through the door. They didn't miss
me last night. "Damn right they didn't! Why should they? You never come
home anymore &;, you know what? They probably are so relieved when
you're gone, you stupid, self-centred, little bitch!" No! you're wrong,
wrong wrong! They do love me! They just&;#8230; "You see? Even you
can't think of any reason why they should love you! Stupid, stupid,
stupid!" Shut up! If you didn't keep interrupting me, I'd be able to
concentrate! "You can't concentrate anyway, it's not my fault. It's
yours! Your entire fault for getting all that shite in your brain! All
your fault!" no! It's not! It's not! Isn't it?
I push open the door to the kitchen, trying to ignore the voice
screaming at me in my head. Silence falls over the room, like a thick
dark blanket, smothering the happy, warm mood radiating around the
table. The only sounds are of uncomfortable coughs and cutlery tinkling
against porcelain. Eyes are everywhere, everywhere but on me, avoiding
me&;#8230;maybe if they don't look at me, I'll disappear? That's
probably what they're thinking, what they want. So that's what I'll do,
if that's what they want. I only want to make them happy, but they make
it so hard&;#8230;
"No, you've made them angry. You had a chance to make them happy, but,
like everything else that's good in your life, you managed to screw it
up&;#8230;" NO! I pick up a glass and hurl it against the wall. My
mother screams and then buries her face in her hands. Orange liquid
trickles down the wall, dripping onto the floor, leaving a
stain&;#8230; "NO!" I scream, "You love me don't you? You do! Tell
me you do! Tell it to shut up, it's wrong! Isn't it? It's lying! Lying,
lying, lying!" clenching &; unclenches my fists, I stand in the
doorway, shaking, crying. My sister, my perfect sister, has tears
trailing down her cheeks. My father is shaking, looking at me through
eyes filled with&;#8230;what? What is he thinking of me? Is he
scared? Angry? Does he hate me? I can't even look at my mother, but I
can hear her sobbing quietly, hear her soft prayers.
Nobody answers me&;#8230; but I can hear their thoughts, they fill
the room, bouncing off each other, quivering, not knowing how to be
expressed. 'She's high&;#8230;again' 'what does she want?' 'Help
me&;#8230;please God&;#8230;' 'Where has my baby gone?' Mommy,
I'm right here! Can't you see me? I'm right here, I love you mommy!
Frantically, I look at each one of them in turn, searching their faces
desperately for an answer&;#8230; "No&;#8230;" I whisper, "No,
please, someone answer me!" my voice rises, getting louder &; louder
until I'm shouting again, "Why don't you love me? Please! Please, love
me again; I promise, I won't do it ever again! I won't,
honestly!"
Nobody looks at me; their eyes stare intently at something invisible
on the floor at their feet. "See? I told you, I was right. No one here
loves you! You're just a nobody to them, like a stranger. They don't
want to know you anymore&;#8230;" But I'm their daughter! They have
to love me! It's what they're supposed to do! "No, you've got it all
wrong. They would love you&;#8230;if you were worth wasting the time
and energy on. You're nothing, nobody. Why are you being so selfish?
Just go away and save them all a lot of grief, just disappear. You'd be
doing them a favour&;#8230;"
Pressing my hands to my screaming, pounding head, I escape from the
room. Running, running, running&;#8230; I don't know where to, all I
know is that it has to be far, far away. Somewhere where I'll never
hurt anyone again. Where am I? Who cares? It's dark &; there's no
one around for me to upset. It's perfect&;#8230; my lighter
illuminates a graffiti smeared wall, words of hate scrawled across it
in bright paint, swearwords and slogans plastered there in huge, bold
letters. What's this I'm smoking now? It doesn't matter, it's working.
I feel myself float away from my body. I take note of how the voice in
my head is growing muted, the words slurring and tumbling together,
creating a comforting mumble, a buzzing in my ears. I can't hurt anyone
while I'm here. Wherever the hell 'here' is, I don't know, but it feels
good.
It's wearing off. I've been here for ages. Or maybe even seconds, I
don't know, but I feel myself drifting back, the voice controlling my
mind grows louder&;#8230;louder still. It's screaming at me
again&;#8230; "Stupid bitch!" "You just did it again!" "How many
people did you hurt this time?" "Stupid&;#8230;"
Hanging my head, I bend over yet another scrap of paper; hot dry tears
drop onto the surface, blurring the words that I know so
well&;#8230;

I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever again&;#8230;
I will never hurt anyone ever
again&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;