Key moments

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant
message conversation.

funk_soul_brother says:

ugh I couldn't finish the story man I ended up collapsing about 06.30..
I've only jus woken up

mojo says:

lol, what u doin up??? U should still be sleepin

funk_soul_brother says:

Its 12.40 in the afternoon here.

mojo says:

it is wierd dont you think, that a whole day has passed for me since we
last spoke!

funk_soul_brother says:

I know, I've been asleep hehe

mojo says:

Lol

funk_soul_brother says:

and am having me first cuppa of the day.

mojo says:

and I'll be asleep while your doing the Sunday thing

funk_soul_brother says:

what time is it over there?

mojo says:

it is 8:37 pm...
what u doin now?

funk_soul_brother says:

writing&;#8230;lol

funk_soul_brother says:

I had to stop this morning though and go to bed&;#8230;. I was
beginning to mumble incoherently and hallucinate

mojo says:

lol

mojo says:

did u fall asleep while I was talkin to you?

funk_soul_brother says:

Nah.. I didn't crash til long after we spoke&;#8230; I did about 4
hours of solid writing&;#8230; typing away till the sun came up and
the birds began to sing&;#8230;

mojo says:

good.

mojo says:

u will have to be careful of negative regression though....
u can only burn the candle at both ends for so long

funk_soul_brother says:

what is negative regression?

mojo says:

where u stay up late and get up early, burn yourself out and end up not
producing anything

funk_soul_brother says:

yeah will have to watch that one&;#8230;. its alright to do it
sometimes though&;#8230;

mojo says:

so what happened to you yesterday?..You said something surreal happened
to you but never actually told me what it was in the end?

funk_soul_brother says:

oh that, do you really want to know

mojo says:

yes

funk_soul_brother says:

I can tell you if u like&;#8230;. but its quite a long
story&;#8230;

mojo says:

that's ok I got a bit o time to spare.. tell me your story

funk_soul_brother says:

alright then I will try me best to describe it and keep it brief

mojo:

ok

funk_soul_brother says:

Well yesterday was my last day working at the shop, and I went there to
clean the place and get my belongings. And when I had finished cleaning
the shop. I turned off all the lights picked up my rucksack and locked
the door behind me. Then wrapping the shopkey in some parcel paper I
posted it thru the letterbox for the new owner to pick up on Monday
morning.

funk_soul_brother says:

and I make my way to the bus stop&;#8230; and something don't feel
right..and I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. And
then I realise I have left my house keys on the shop counter.

mojo says:

oh shit

mojo says:

what did u do?

funk_soul_brother says:

freak man &;#8230; the only other person who has a key to the shop
is Catherine the new owner.. and she is in Somerset for the weekend.
Which means I'am locked out of my flat... and I need to get back in and
I don't have another set of housekeys, my only set is locked in the
shop. And I've posted the shop key thru the letterbox.
So I panic feeling intense anxiety..and I pace up and down the front
of the shop all agitated and perplexed like, and wonder what I'am gonna
do. The key to the shop lies on the floor. Wrapped in brown parcel
paper behind locked windows and door. My only hope out of this
situation.

mojo says:

shit

funk_soul_brother says:

After a while I begin to calm down and think rationally and try and
figure a way out of this... I look at the key on the floor and think
the only way out would be to get the key back somehow. Which doesn't
look like an easy task.. because you see when I posted it through the
letterbox I also threw it as far into the shop as I could&;#8230; so
I really have outfoxed myself!

funk_soul_brother says:

so I run to this skip across the road outside the hardware store, and
begin rummaging thru it. And I find this big pallet and proceed to
smash it up, and get a long piece of wood from my efforts, and then I
run back across the road to the shop, and poking the wood thru the
letter box I try to reach the key&;#8230;

funk_soul_brother says:

but the wood aint long enough

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

so I drop it on the floor and run back to the skip across the road. And
rummage through it again..

funk_soul_brother says:

eventually I hit the jackpot. And I find this 20 foot long beanpole..
its perfect.
And I dart back across the road with it and poke this long bean pole
through the letterbox just as a jogger jogs past

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

the jogger says as he runs passed, " That looks dodgy..."

mojo says:

heheh

funk_soul_brother says:

I jus grin all angeliclike at him. Feeling like something out of
crimewatch. But not really caring, just desperate to get my keys
back.

funk_soul_brother says:

anyway I manage to reach the shop key with this long bean pole and I
get it to the door. But I can't get the key up to the letterbox. So I
sit and think about how I am going to do this..... and all the time
people and cars are going past with their, 'This is a local town for
local people' vibe, you know like in that program on the telly 'The
league of gentlemen.' Its just the way they look at me, it makes me
think of that program.

mojo says:

lol

mojo says:

lmao

funk_soul_brother says:

so I get this 20 foot long beanpole and break it in half across my
knee.. And poking both bits of the pole thru the letterbox. I try an
get the key up from the floor to the letterbox chopstick fashion.

mojo says:

lol

mojo says:

hheheh

funk_soul_brother says:

anyway the chopstick method of getting the key fails, and I get
frustrated and give up. Chucking my sticks on the floor in anger.

funk_soul_brother says:

So I sit down and think again, and I begin to feel like I'am on the
crystal maze or something.. doing one of the challenges. And I have to
get the key somehow so I can get the crystal..

funk_soul_brother says:

and then 'CHING!' a light bulb flicks on above my head and I have an
idea, and I remember I have some superglue in my bag. So I fish it out
of my bag and I put a bit of superglue on the end of one of these
poles.

mojo says:

aha!

funk_soul_brother says:

and poking the pole with glue on the end thru the letterbox. I try to
stick it to the key... And alas it doesn't work. I try again and
again... people walking past, giving me strange looks.
And I imagine all these people coming over to me and clapping their
hands at me.. like in that stupid crimewatch advert on telly&;#8230;
Oh no the dreaded clap!&;#8230;help!.. Crime we'll crack it
together, with the magic handclap&;#8230;.y'remeber it.

mojo says:

heheh

funk_soul_brother says:

anyway I realise its cause the pole is to small at the end and I need a
flatter surface to stick the key to. So I break the other pole up and
find a flat piece and glue this to the end of the pole and put a
globule of glue on this flat bit for stickin to the key

mojo says:

in true Mcguiever fashion

funk_soul_brother says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

and I poke this slowly through the letterbox

mojo says:

I can hear the A-Team music

funk_soul_brother says:

and this time it sticks to the key.. and I feel myself getting all
euphoric like

mojo says:

and mission impossible music too&;#8230;

funk_soul_brother says:

so I carefully pull it up and halfway to the letterbox. Clang! It falls
off

mojo says:

lmao

funk_soul_brother says:

and worse it has rolled over onto its sticky side and landed further
away from the door, and I can no longer reach it with the pole

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

So I get the length of wood I got from the pallet earlier. Which is now
just the right length to reach the key.. And I use this to try and move
the key back to the door and the darn key is stuck to the floor..and it
won't budge.

mojo says:

fuck people must have been thinking you were building a raft

mojo says:

shit!!

funk_soul_brother says:

honestly it was like something out of survivor

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

anyway I have to put my arm in right upto the elbow, and try and bash
this key free from the floor with this length of wood, trieing not to
knock it any further away&;#8230;

funk_soul_brother says:

and then someone says behind me, "You alright mate?"

mojo says:

heheheheh

funk_soul_brother says:

I turn round and see this middle aged bloke in a suit and I say, "Yeah
fine, its ok this use to be my Mums shop." And I try to explain to him
the whole darn situation with my arm deep in the letterbox of the door.
And he smiles and says,"I see&;#8230;" then he goes away..

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

Anyway I manage to bash the key loose and thank my lucky stars that I
wrapped it in paper, and I bring it back to just in front of the door,
to within reach of my pole&;#8230;.and suddenly I find me arm is
stuck in the letterbox and I can't move it.

mojo says:

oh fuck

funk_soul_brother says:

can it get any worse? I ask myself and try to get my fucking arm out of
the letterbox&;#8230; and these skateboarders roll past and laugh at
me.. and for the first time I feel self-conscious and stupid
suddenly.

funk_soul_brother says:

In absolute pain and very slowly in anguish as the metal grates hard
against my skin scratching it a little. I somehow manage to get my arm
free&;#8230; but it takes ages&;#8230; and I have to move it a
bit at a time as it is really painful&;#8230; and when I finally get
it free, it feels numb afterwards like the blood has stopped
circulating. So I have to sit down for a bit and recover. And then I
get that horrible pins and needles feeling you get when the blood
starts re-circulating again&;#8230; and I grimace at the sharp
throbbing pain of it.

funk_soul_brother says:

anyway when the pins and needles finally subsides to my relief, I once
again put a bit of superglue onto this beanpole and push it through the
letterbox&;#8230;. and try once again to stick it to the
key&;#8230;

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

and hey presto the key sticks and slowly I draw it up to the letterbox
and CLANG! it falls halfway again, to my intense frustration. And worse
its getting dark now and if I don't hurry up I won't be able to see the
key at all soon.

mojo says:

fuk

funk_soul_brother says:

so I try again

funk_soul_brother says:

and the same thing happens

funk_soul_brother says:

and I try again

funk_soul_brother says:

and again

funk_soul_brother says:

and again

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

the tube of superglue is almost empty, and my hands are covered in the
stuff and on my fingers there is this hard coating were the glue has
dried. And I have to be very careful that my fingers don't stick
together&;#8230;

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

anyway I sit down for a bit in absolute despair.. "Please God," I say
,"Please help me get my keys back."

funk_soul_brother says:

and it gets darker and darker and soon I will have to think about maybe
giving up and breaking a window in my flat to get back in. Which I
really don't want to do.. cause it will end up costing me a whole load
of money I haven't got and a load of stress to replace it. My stomach
gets all knotted up inside&;#8230; as I think about the
scenario&;#8230; explaining to my landlord why I smashed the
window&;#8230;

funk_soul_brother says:

and then I decide I will give it one last try before I give up all
together&;#8230; so I put one last bit of glue on the flat bit of
this stick&;#8230;and I bless it silently.

Mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

and then I ask for angels of adhesion to come to my aid as I very
slowly and carefully put the stick thru the letterbox, and I plant it
firmly on the key.. with intense concentration.

funk_soul_brother says:

and this time I say to myself

funk_soul_brother says:

I'am gonna do it

funk_soul_brother says:

I'am gonna get this key

funk_soul_brother says:

and I thank God. Trieing to have pure faith... and I take a deep breath
and hope and believe as much as I can for a miracle. Channelling as
much positive energy into it as I can. Focusing all my will and my Chi
into the single objective to get this bleedin' key. Whilst maintaining
Buddha calm.

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

and then very slowly and carefully, tenderly&;#8230; I draw it up to
the letterbox and it doesn't fall off this time.. and my heart stops
momentarily as I slowly draw it through the letter box and out of the
danger zone and safely into my hands.. and suddenly I am overjoyed and
can't believe it and am thanking God and the angels and I feel really
happy.

mojo says:

woohoo!

funk_soul_brother says:

and the key is in my hands and I jump up and down.

funk_soul_brother says:

and I am really happy&;#8230; closing my eyes and then opening them
again to make sure I aint dreaming. Then punching my fist into the air
in a show of triumph to the darkening night sky

funk_soul_brother says:

shouting "I've done it."

funk_soul_brother says:

"I've fucking done it!"

funk_soul_brother says:

relieved and very happy. After three whole hours spent trieing to get
the key! I go to unlock the door. When suddenly from behind me I
hear

mojo says:

no

funk_soul_brother says:

"Delta Charlie 6 fox trot 7 Tango 234" pssstttt

mojo says:

lmao

mojo says:

Lmfao

funk_soul_brother says:

and I turn round and there are two police officers stood there looking
at me stern-like&;#8230;

funk_soul_brother says:

"I can explain.." I say, "I know this looks dodgy.."

funk_soul_brother says:

and they say,"You have no idea how dodgy this looks."

funk_soul_brother says:

I try to explain the situation to them..

mojo says:

heheh

funk_soul_brother says:

On the concrete floor my mobile phone is lieing by the door and the
strap of my case has come loose and has gone under the door. It looks
like a wire.

funk_soul_brother says:

"Whats that?" one of them says pointing to it

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

probably thinking its some kinda burglars electronic device. So I show
them that it is a mobile phone. and they look at it and examine it and
see that I am telling the truth, and hand it back to me.

funk_soul_brother says:

Then in desperation to prove my innocence. Before they escort me to the
station. I quickly un-lock the shop door and flick on the
lights&;#8230;. and tell them to come in&;#8230; they look at me
puzzled. I walk over to the shop counter and point to my housekeys
without touching them and go "There you go my keys.. I am telling the
truth.."

funk_soul_brother says:

they pick my keys up and examine them.

funk_soul_brother says:

now attached to my key chain I have this little Indian medicine
bag&;#8230; and also a little book which is full of notes I have
made about the runes over the past year or so..

funk_soul_brother says:

and they see the little medicine pouch and they say "Whats in
here?"

mojo says:

oh shit

funk_soul_brother says:

"An I go.. oh jus some stones and a magic cloth and a little stick for
warding off evil spirits."

mojo says:

lmao

funk_soul_brother says:

and they go "We will have to search this I'am afraid?"

funk_soul_brother says:

And I say "go ahead." they eye me suspiscious like, but I aint got
nothing to hide, I don't do drugs anymore.. so they can search me all
they like and they won't find nothing..

funk_soul_brother says:

They search this tiny little medicine pouch. And I mean it is tichy.
Honestly they spend ages trieing to untie the thing&;#8230; and its
full of shamanic stuff, like I told them it was. And they don't know
what to make of it&;#8230; and their faces as they examine the pouch
are a classic. And I try my best not to laugh..

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

they seem a bit dissapointed when they find no drugs in there. Then
they spot my little book attached to my key chain, and ask me whats in
there..

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

and I go, "Just notes I have collected over the years.. about the
runes.." (They don't seem to have a clue what I'am going on about..
)
"you know the runes.. used for divination. A shamans tool."

funk_soul_brother says:

so they open it and read thru it

mojo says:

nosey cunts

funk_soul_brother says:

then looking a bit annoyed they hand it back realising there aint no
drugs in there either. And I pray they don't search my rucksack cos I
can't be arsed to undo it and empty out all the contents. Then they
say, "Have you any other proof you are who you say you are?"

funk_soul_brother says:

and I say yes and show them my bus-pass and I phone my Mum up and when
she answers I explain whats happened here and then hand the phone to
the police.

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

The police officer goes, "Hello Mrs. Seagull this is seargeant
Macorley" or whatevr the name of the officer was, I can't remember. "we
have your son here.."

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

and then they talk with her and tell her whats happened and then she
explains that she is the old owner of the shop and that I am her son
and that she will drive down to the shop to prove it to them if they
want.

funk_soul_brother says:

"that won't be necessary Mrs. Seagull&;#8230;in all honesty I don't
think it would achieve anything&;#8230;we will do an ID check on him
and see if he is who he says he is.. that should be sufficient.. I mean
you could be anybody.. so it would just be a wasted journey" and then
they pass the phone back to me. After saying bye to Mum and telling her
not to worry I put the phone down.

funk_soul_brother says:

and they start asking me questions

mojo says:

fuckin hell

funk_soul_brother says:

and they say, "We are going to have to do an ID check on you Mr.
Seagull."

mojo says:

they must be bored

funk_soul_brother says:

"Do you vote mr.Seagull?" they ask

funk_soul_brother says:

and I say, "yes."

funk_soul_brother says:

"Then you will be on the register of voters."

funk_soul_brother says:

so they ask me what my full name is... I tell them

funk_soul_brother says:

then they ask me for my D.O.B

funk_soul_brother says:

my address and telephone number

funk_soul_brother says:

what colour my hair is ussually

funk_soul_brother says:

what coffee I drink

funk_soul_brother say:

what colour my socks are.

Funk_soul_brother says:

Whether I like my eggs sunside up or sunny side down.

funk_soul_brother says:

etc

funk_soul_brother says:

etc

funk_soul_brother says:

then they send this info back to HQ thru the walkie talkie which is
always going pssstttt.. "hello there delta foxtrot orange tango nine we
are doing an Id check on a Mr.Johnathon Livingstone Seagull can you
confirm details please.." psssstttt

funk_soul_brother says:

and I wait for confirmation.. they wait for confirmation&;#8230;
nobody speaks.

funk_soul_brother says:

then finally psssstttt they get confirmation

funk_soul_brother says:

and they both seem a bit annoyed that my ID checks out ok. And I'am all
clean&;#8230;

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

then they say, "Well Mr. Seagull. We simply have to believe your
story... just for the sheer fact it sounds so unbelievable."

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

and then smiling and in their silly looking CRIME WE'LL CRACK IT
TOGETHER
pose and CRIME WE'LL CRACK IT TOGETHER tone of voice, they say,
"Remember to lock the shop up properly when you leave..and have a good
night." And smiling falsely they leave. And I sigh in relief when their
gone&;#8230;

funk_soul_brother says:

And I mutter under my breath when their gone, "This is a local town for
local people." hehe

mojo says:
lmao

mojo says:

heeheheh

mojo says:

good story

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

and I ring mum back up and tell her whats happened and she starts
laughing and forgets about her cooking and burns the dinner..
hehe

funk_soul_brother says:

my last ever day at the shop man

mojo says:

what a fucking laugh

funk_soul_brother says:

It took me three fuckin' hours to get into that shop.. three whole
fuckin hours fiddling with them darn sticks and superglue.. like
Mr.Bean or something.

mojo says:

holy shit, u did well m8

funk_soul_brother says:

and in all that time people were constantly walking past and driving
past, and the police show up at the grand finale of my efforts..
lol

mojo says:

it took the police 3 hours to turn up!!

funk_soul_brother says:

Yep and the police station is only around the corner as well.. about a
two minute walk away..

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

just next to the bus stop

funk_soul_brother says:

lol

mojo says:

lol

funk_soul_brother says:

fucking useless they are..

funk_soul_brother says:

hehe

mojo says:

heheh

funk_soul_brother says:

God knows what I must have looked like

mojo says:

yeh

mojo says:

u must have been tired out

funk_soul_brother says:

yeah mate but extreemly relieved to get my keys back

mojo says:

I bet

funk_soul_brother says:

and thats the whole bizarre tale of it

mojo says:

its a classic!

funk_soul_brother says:

I told you it was long

funk_soul_brother says:

but it really happened I am not making any of it up.. its all true. It
sounds made up, but it isn't... this kind of thing happens to me all
the time&;#8230; I wish I knew why&;#8230; its so surreal.

mojo says:

man, I'am glad u got your keys back

funk_soul_brother says:

what a dramatic way to end two years at the shop.

funk_soul_brother says:

my final moments before the curtain closes

mojo says:

yeh no shit

mojo says:

I bet you were fucking glad to see the back of that place

funk_soul_brother says:

lol&;#8230; I guess it's a good way to remember it. Me and the shops
last moments together... me with my superglue and bean pole.. crouching
at the door tryna get back in.. hehe.. don't think I'll forget that one
in a hurry.

mojo says:

I know! you were very inventive!

funk_soul_brother says:

That superglue was the best buy of the day. So glad I bought it
now

mojo says:

I bet