Lazy Sod

Lazy Sod.
Some people call me a cretin some people just say that I'm a bit thick
but one things for sure I'm the worlds laziest bastard.
Now being lazy has its benefits, my lethargic attitude has got me out
of doing allsorts, making the tea, answering the phone ect ect. My girl
friend even re decorated the hallway. As she put it "It'll never get
done otherwise, your such a lazy sod". People seemed to accept it, as
if it was an incurable affliction, which obviously encouraged me to use
it as often as possible. Some of my schemes to push my idleness to its
limits were the work of a pure genius. The last instance was one night
when my girlfriend and I had been invited to a birthday party by one of
her work colleagues. As the boxing was on TV I decided not to go, using
the immortal line " oh I can't be bothered", she went alone, leaving me
to enjoy a cosy night in with a few tinnies, the boxing to watch on TV,
and the added responsibility to look after her girly little runt of a
dog.
I settled into vegetable mode and was surprised; perhaps the dog
wasn't so bad after all. I was feeling quite light headed by the time
the fight started and the dog had kept up with me can for can. But sure
enough just as the second round started, wimper, wimper, scratch,
scratch at the door, the little ankle biter needed to answer the call
of nature. Living in a third floor flat, I figured by the time I got
his lead, walked downstairs and took him across to the green, the fight
would probably be over on my return. Then an ingenious time saving idea
sprang to mind. If I tied his lead to the leg of the chair and I placed
the dog outside into the window box, he could quite easily do his
business whilst I watched the rest of the fight in peace.
I set my plan into action and closed the window to give him his
privacy. I then slipped back into my still warm, body-moulded sofa, to
watch the rest of the fight.
Now perhaps heavy weight boxing aint what it used to be or maybe I'm
just a light weight when it comes to drinking, but before long I
slipped into a deep sleep. I reckon I could have slept all night if it
wasn't for that dog barking&;#8230;. DOG BARKING! Oh my god, I
glanced at my watch, it was almost 3am. He had been out there all
night. Acting out of character I jumped swiftly to my feet, opened the
window just in time to see a fireman disappearing down a ladder with
little "Dicky" in his arms. I rushed down stairs and explained a yarn
about the mischievous little mutt up to his usual antics and promised
to keep a closer eye on him in the future.
Just as I said good buy to the fireman my girlfriend pulled up in a
cab. In her drunken stupor, she swallowed a cock and bull story about
little "Dicky" playing with the phone and dialling 999. I went to bed a
happy man, chuffed with my lazy antics and myself.
I was awoken the following morning by a shoe round the back of the
head. I had forgotten to replace the dog lead and after finding a large
turd in the window box she put 2 and 2 together. I considered some
story as explanation, along the lines of " But darling I thought it
would be good for the flowers", but I decided against it.
I hung my head in shame to her threats to call Rolf Harris and his
animal hospital. I now lead an active life, cooking, cleaning, washing
and shopping in penance; I also kick the little runt whenever she's not
looking.

Yours truly a fitter than ever,

Ofar Quarson