Entrance fee

(A nervous looking man sits on an overlarge chair , being judged
before the gates of heaven. He has just watched with the court a
complete re-run of his life on a large screen, the lights go up, the
man on trial begins to talk)
"Phew! That was some show, eh? Who'd have thought one man could have so
much fun! No, seriously, I know it looks bad but if you'll just give me
a couple of minutes to explain. (takes out and lights up cigarette)
See, first off, if you don't mind me saying, I'm not too sure about
having my whole life recorded like that, I mean, I heard God's all
seeing, all knowing n'stuff but if I'd any idea my whole life was like
some goddamn undercover operation for the F. B .I, I'd have frankly
been straight on the phone to my lawyer. I mean, what y'all looking at
me like that for, anyway? Hey, I get it, you've been talkin' to the
ex-wife again haven't ya! Goddamn it, that just ain't fair. Talk about
witness for the prosecution. Listen, she's just sore because she thinks
I cheated on her. And even if I did, that's no excuse for bad mouthing
me every goddamn place I go. I mean how would you like it? Goddamnit
she's the one who should be on trial, not me. Listen, I'm just saying
lets get things in perspective, here. We're not talking, Hitler, Stalin
O. K? I've never killed anyone. At least no-one worth mentioning and
sure I've pulled a few strokes in my time, who hasn't? So I lived a
little, so what? I thought that was the whole damn point. I mean what's
life if not for living? Am I right or am I right? I mean what was I
supposed to do? Sit in a corner and eat bread and water? Is that your
idea of a good time? ...........Really? Oh, well, sure if that's what
you guys are into then fine but me, personally I prefer a cold beer and
a bowl of peanuts, know what I'm sayin'? The point is though, yeah,
O.K. I played around when I was married, sure, but you have to admit
though, I did have good taste. Take that broad in Las Vegas. Are you
seriously trying to tell me, you could have refused a piece of ass like
that? See, that's what my wife could never understand. She just didn't
get it. A man has needs. And well.....now and again he needs a little
change of scenery. Know what I'm sayin'? A little variation. I mean,
you guys are men of the world, or at least the other world, you know
what I'm talking about. Women just don't understand these kinda
things.
Hey, and by the way, while I'm here, I apologize for not taking
religion a little more seriously. Believe me, I would have liked to
have gone to church more often. Loved to, in fact. But see Sunday was a
difficult day for me. It was my day off. The last thing I wanted to do
was spend it with a bunch of stiffs in a church, hahahaha, I mean,
uh.... no offence you understand. And don't forget. I did my bit. Tried
to make the world a better place. In my own little way. You seen me
wearing that Live Aid T-shirt. Even if it was counterfeit, I still wore
it. Listen I swear, just give me another chance and I'll make it up to
you. I won't let you down. Hey, what you still looking at me like that
for? Oh I get it, you're thinking bout' the gambling n'all. I bet you
guys ain't into that stuff. Am I right or am I right? Well for me,
sure, yeah, what the hell, I liked a little gamble here and there, so
what? But see, my problem was not the gambling, no sir, it was just I
had no goddamn luck! That was my problem. And yeah, so eventually I
ended up losing the house. Big deal. But you gotta understand these
guys were threatening to crucify me! You have no idea what that's like.
Well, maybe you do but the point is, it was no picnic. I mean, losing
the house. The kids weren't too pleased either, I can tell you that.
And why d'you think my ex- wife has got it in for me? But I had to do
it! If I didn't get the money in forty eight hours, Uncle Charlie had
plans for me, you know what I'm sayin'? Listen a piece of advice by the
way, if you're ever in Atlantic City, never get involved with Uncle
Charlie. The guy's a crook. And hey, it wasn't even my fault. I mean
how was I to know the guy had a straight flush? (shakes head) Talk
about luck of the devil.....So(sighs) then with the gambling debts
piling up, I ended up relying too much on the liquor. I swear, if it
ain't one thing that gets ya, it's another. I must admit though,
looking back, for a while there, I had a pretty good time. Listen,
(stubs out cigarette)does it not say in the Bible and I quote, uh, "The
world's a stage and each must play his part?" Uh? Am I right? Sure I'm
right. So what if I played mine? Is that a reason to judge me? Frankly,
if you don't mind me sayin' I don't see who's got the right to judge
anybody here anyways, I mean what is this? Goddamn Jerry Springer?
C'mon, gimme a break. I paid my taxes.......most of the time. I got
rights. I mean, Jesus Christ, Just let me in, would ya! I'll swear I'll
be a good boy. But like, uh, I was just wondering....... I don't
suppose you would happen to have a bar in there would ya? You know to
celebrate my arrival n'all? And I sure as hell bet you got some good
looking angels hanging round. Am I right or am I right? You knows you
guys ain't as dumb as you look. I bet you even got a good little racket
going here. A little backhander, here and there Uh? A little unseen
entrance fee ? Yeah, I get it. You know, I'm guessing there's at least
one hotshot in this organisation who'd be mighty interested in hearing
that kinda information. Uh? Am I right or am I right? So tell you what
buddy boys, why don't we just make a deal, here, let's say you just cut
me a little piece of the action and we'll say no more about it. Uh?
What d'ya say? Ten percent? Let's make it fifteen. Fifteen, and we can
keep this little secret between ourselves. Can't say fairer than that.
Hey what you all shaking your heads for. You know, that ain't nice.
Some guy could take offence at that kind of behaviour.....(The floor
starts to open up beneath him) No wait, listen, O.K. forget about the
deal, it's your racket, besides, we can talk about it later, just, no,
wait, hey, I wanna speak to my attorney...you can't do this, it ain't
in the constitution, wait, listen, how bout a last drink for the road,
(the floor continues to slide open).... oh my
God!...No...hey.....wait....Whaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh...........