X 7/29/02

Work Diary, 7/29/02

My partner discovered a website that has all of us giggling nervously
and wondering just what has happened to mankind. As I don't want to
give the site a free plug (and in deference to our ABC minors), I won't
give out its name. Suffice it to say that, compared to everything else
I've seen on the web, the site is appallingly titillating; frightfully
mesmerizing; guiltily appealing. In short, it produces a veritable
hodgepodge of emotions, none of which I can pin down just yet but,
then, I only saw the site for the first time this weekend.

Warning: If you are easily offended (which is not my intent) or
squeamish about creepy socio-sexual topics, stop reading (or
continue?it's not THAT bad).

The premise: A man takes a video camera, his van, a couple of bodacious
ladies, and a somewhat nelly homosexual onto the streets of Miami (this
is already sounding like a bad joke). The van prowls along, its
occupants on the lookout for prey. In this case, the prey consists of
heterosexual men: middle-aged, preppy college types, surfers?it doesn't
matter, as long the men are straight and relatively good-looking. Once
the mark is spotted, the driver pulls over and asks him a simple
question (for instance: How might one get to the airport from here? Or:
Where is 1st Street?). The driver offers some polite chatter, then goes
for the kill and asks the man if he'd like to make some extra
cash.

"How?" the man typically replies. An offer is made: Get into the van,
have sex with one (or both) of these ladies, let us film you, and
that's it. To further entice the unsuspecting straight male, the bait
flashes her breasts and/or performs some nauseating feat with her lips
and tongue, smiling the whole time. Despite his reputation, the
heterosexual male is not likely to jump into a strange van to have sex
with a sexy stranger, so more offers are made, the ante is upped, the
man is slowly convinced. He gets into the van.

The friendly group and its clearly nervous passenger hit the road. Bait
Girl fairly oozes over her prize, getting him charged up while the
cameraman keeps up a constant commentary concerning the man's job, his
age, and other not-so-vital statistics. The man relaxes bit by bit,
which is good, because he's about to fall victim to the old
bait-and-switch. The man is asked if he'd allow the homosexual to
perform oral sex on him. Naturally, the man declines. So the financial
reward increases?$3,000.00?$4,000.00, and he'll STILL get to have sex
with the girl! An amazing payment, really, for lying back and, well,
taking it like a man.

Incredibly, the man agrees. The man, if you're wondering, is not an
actor. No actor could ever express the clear distaste and confusion
that this poor fellow is experiencing as another MAN begins undoing his
belt, massaging him, and doing things one does not normally associate
with a family-sized minivan. The homosexual, in almost apoplectic joy
at scoring a heterosexual, provides enough salacious speech to
embarrass Hugh Hefner. The girl, concerned about her catch's
tumescence, also keeps up her cooing and giggling. Again, incredibly,
the man manages to perform.

But that's not all! After some rather icky slurping and lascivious
looks from the homosexual, the cameraman steps up his chatter. Might
the man consider performing anal intercourse on the homosexual? Does he
want $1,000.00 more to take home? It's all so simple; pretend he's a
she, here's a condom, haven't you ever done this before with a girl?
It's all the same!

No, really, it's not. But does the man do it? You bet. While everyone
in the van watches, he puts himself in arguably the tightest spot of
the love that dare not speak its name. He huffs, he puffs, he puts his
leg up on the seat as the cameraman directs. He even lays back, hands
behind his head, and gets ridden for several miles. And, if you look
close enough, his eyes are closed the whole time.

But, hey, it's just a job, right? Surely that is what he is telling
himself; plus, when this stinky, hairy nightmare is finished, he'll get
the girl?and a lot of money. That's something to look forward to! Alas,
it isn't to be. Using some pretense or another, the cameraman stops the
van, manages to get the man outside, and with nary a wave goodbye,
hightails it the hell out of there. In one episode, the man is handed a
check, written out to "Dumb Ass" for "zero dollars." In another, the
man is checking a supposedly flat tire, and eats dust on the side of a
deserted road as the van roars away. The man goes unpaid, used an
abused, his very manhood now in question in front of millions of
internet users.

What do you think? It's all true. Really.