Because of you

Because of you?I've renamed all my days.

Monday is now hate day. And when I wake, the first thing I think of is
you. I am consumed with hate for you and for the things you have or I
think you have done. On this hate day I talk to myself and let out my
frustration through stifled agonised screams?I say the word why a lot
and I punch vacant air, slap walls and pound wooden doorframes?I hope
sincerely these aren't a substitute for your face.

Tuesday is forgiveness day and on forgiveness day I chide myself for
thinking all the negative things I thought about you on hate day, I
smile incredulously and laugh out loud and say to myself, 'No, no one
could be capable of doing the things that have been running rampant
through my fucked up mind.' And on this day I worry about what will
become of you and of course I regret all the things I have said and
done and again of course I don't forgive myself? only you.

Wednesday is missing day, this is the day when I wonder what I have
done, and ponder the devastation of life without even that little bit
of you. Even though I'm not entirely convinced you did not do what you
are accused of?my God how I'm still going to miss you.

Thursday is why day, and indeed why did it all come down to this?why?
On this day I retrace all the steps leading up to this..yes this is a
kind of bedlam, there were a thousand warning signs along the way, and
a thousand alarm bells?all ignored?why? Well because it was you.

Friday is what if day? And I know deep down I'm deluding myself with
this dream, but for a while it seemed so good, so real and what if is a
recurring theme in my head on this day. What didn't I do or say?did I
miss the chance of having something really special?and again?and again?
what if?what if?what if?

Saturday is empty day, numbness has taken over, listless and apathetic
my body tries to come to terms with this perpetual tumult and reacts by
giving in. Motionless in body but frenetic in mind?thoughts throughout
the week come together and spiral and twist in my mind, truths, lies,
accusations and illusions merge and meld and in the end not one is
different from the other.

And because of this?

Sunday is paranoia day, a day when my mind lapses into narcoleptic
trance whenever I think of you, and during these spells of stupor I
hear cruel whispers and the mocking laughter no one wants or can bear
to hear. All the negative doubts return and I can't make out what is
and isn't you.

And of course because of this Monday is?

And all of this of course is because of you.