I hate board meetings

I hate board meetings.

By Kiko Korea

I hate board meetings. All of those freaks staring at me wanting to
know what I think. But what can I do I'm here now, staring at the
products of under funded education. It was another Thursday morning and
yet again I was conducting business on a butcher's block, in front of
me was a menagerie of personnel so racked with university debt that
they supplemented their educational costs with state sponsored
scientific experiments. I must admit that it's good money for taking a
drug, supplying a biopsy, running on a treadmill or having probes
inserted into your rectum, but what of them now? Well now they're
nothing more than twisted reflections of the human form, mutants of an
inverted landscape.

"Right, now is everyone here?" I declared, not really caring if
anything answered. In my periphery vision a pair of purple foetuses
fidgeted. "Excuse me but can you continue your conversation of
inaudible high clicks after the meeting?" They stopped clicking. But
even then I was unable to start, as over in the corner a luminous thin
stick creature was bent double performing fellatio on his own stumped
penis. I gave him a harsh stare.

"Oh sorry, I'm ready now." He replied in an embarrassment.

"Thank you," said I, sarcastically, to the grinning stick. "I take it
from the collective silence that you are all ready. In that case let's
get down to the meeting." I cleared my throat and festooned my
spectacles. "Today I got the figures on last months accounts and they
appear to be healthy and steadily growing," I refrained from handing
out any compliments, "but I would like to know why there is a distinct
increase in the office supply expenditure?" A large red biomorph raised
a tentacle in the corner; he stopped feeding and pulled in his stomach.
"Yes Davies, have you got a possible answer?"

Davies the biomorph, a party balloon with a kink across his midrift,
and a dirty pubic moustache, in the slipstream of his migratory mouth,
began spluttering in his typical salacious manner. "I'm sorry sir but
with our current intake of graduates&;#8230;."

Oh yes the graduates, nervous pupae of grotesque future anomalies,
vomiting and spluttering their way to corporate slavery. Those gaunt
little imps make me as sick as their seasoned counter parts.

"&;#8230;there is that extra need for office supplies. It's bound
to take its toll." Davies eyes glided his dermis with a nervous
oscillation.

"Oh I agree but this greatly exceeds what I accounted for which brings
me to what I have suspected for a while," add one dramatic pause and a
confident rise in the vocal tone, "one of you at this table is
pilfering from the stationary cupboard. Stealing, if you prefer it a
little more blunt." There was a spluttered gasp of spilt amnion.

"But sir, how can you say this? I can personally vouch for everyone
around this table. They are all good hard working individuals," replied
Davies.

"You'd think so wouldn't you," I said nonchalantly tapping my pencil
between my teeth. "But I have reason to believe that one of you in this
room is stealing from the cupboard to feed your dirty little habit,
graphite addiction!" Kevin, the bright orange biomorph, ejected his
brain on to the table in shock. "A little close to the bone, sorry
gelatinous fluid, for comfort eh Kevin." I felt like Sherlock Holmes
deliberating at the playdo factory.

"Kevin how could you? I stuck up for you" Sparked Davies in a loud
whisper.

"How did you know sir?" Whimpered Kevin.

"Well I've had my suspicions for a long time that it was you
assimilating my pencils, but I only confirmed them when I found these
in your desk&;#8230;" I whipped out 'exhibit A', a tightly bound
bunch of leadless wood pencils. The room gasped. "&;#8230; 300
hundred&;#8230;" I heard the number repeated in shocked whisper
around the room, "&;#8230; leadless pencils. Got a little Carbon
addicted did we? Loved the odd Van der Waal force running through your
veins."

"It wasn't like that sir I, I&;#8230;" Kevin, not the most stoical
of individuals broke down. Actually he really did break down exploding
in the middle of the boardroom.

"Pull yourself together Kevin you're making a complete fool of
yourself, and a bloody mess of the carpet." I turned to the rest of the
assembled ejaculates. "This is what makes me so bloody sick of you
bloody student types. No bloody backbone (literally). You come
sauntering in here with your post modern humour and pretentious buzz
words thinking you can change the world." I loved shouting, especially
when it was to these little pukes. "Well you can't because you're in
the real world now. Getting up for nine every day, every bloody day!" I
was, by my own admission, beginning to get carried away spluttering at
the mouth and turning a dark shade of crimson. Several of the more
female inclined biomorphs began sobbing and before I knew it my voice
was drowned out by their incessant wailing as the whole room threw
their tentacles' and penis' and other ganglias' into the air peppering
their bodily juices all over the walls. I stopped and soon calmed down.
Composing my thoughts I was tempted to sack the little bugger (Kevin)
but staring into his pleading eyes, which had found themselves on the
tea tray, I felt a moment of pity. "I'm not going to sack you Kevin," I
sighed, "but from now on you are only allowed to use biros and you're
not going anywhere near that stationary cupboard. As from tomorrow, I'm
assigning you to a drugs counsellor."

"Sorry sir but I can't use biro the metal ballpoint will cause me to
oxidise." Blubbed Kevin from under our feet/suckers.

"Okay a bloody fountain pen then!" At that point I stood up, wiped
Kevin of my shoulder, indicated the end of the board meeting and walked
out. On the way past I kicked Kevin's liver into touch, brushed past a
meitotically-dividing cell, and pushed open the boardroom doors. "See
you sputums at same time, in same place next week! And clean this
bloody room up!" I shouted and stormed out.

I actually rather enjoyed that board meeting.