Thoughts

Train of thought

I hate you sometimes. You deserve to know that. I dream in Technicolor while I am living in shades of gray. I awake in the mornings sometimes, wishing I had died in my sleep.I awake alone...you always run off in the mornings. I know I don't satisfy you in bed. I think you rush off with your laptop and look at internet porn while I sleep in. Those thoughts make me wish to sleep the day away. I hear you on the phone sometimes and I suspect your doing or selling drugs¦everyday that thought races through my head. I hold your hand and wonder where we'll be in a few years. I see wedding dress shops and visualize myself inside. I see myself overweight and unhappy if I marry you. I look at children and wonder what ours will look like. I endlessly ponder baby names, always affixing your last name to their first name. I don't want to bring a child into this world only to give him a name he'll be embarrassed to live with. I see houses and wonder where our dream home will be. I can see you playing our son, Eli. You are the perfect father. He is the perfect son. He comes from our gene pools, after all. I wish, in secret, that you will cheat on me. Giving me a reason to leave you. I can see our divorce in my head¦already deciding what I want ownership of. I am gleeful with laughter when I hear other women's romance horror stories, knowing I date a wonderful man. I wonder where I would be right now had I dated someone else. I flirt with people endlessly, because your taste in women makes me sick to my stomach. When you say I'm beautiful, I roll my eyes. When other men say I'm beautiful, I blush and giggle like a schoolgirl. Late at night, I ponder sneaking out of the room and driving home to my mother. My mother told me to watch out for you. She said I could do better. That I deserved better. I cry in the shower delirious with depression. I wrap my body around the toilet eager to vomit my pain away. I cry on the bathroom floor when all I get are dry heaves. I can never make a decision and that angers you. You yell at me and make me feel like I am an insect. I smile and try to relax but you bring out the worst in me. We fight for hours and I hold my grudges for you. I file the pain away in my mind's filing cabinet. You think the fight is over and I roll around in bed with you and make love to you because I do, in fact, love you. I want to spread kisses all over your body but you won't let me. I dress quickly afterwards because I am ashamed. I look into the mirror sometimes and sigh so loud I wake your nephew up. I fight desperately with myself to become friends with your friends. I love talking to your friends but it feels like they are bored with me. I want to own my own business but I feel you will hold me back. What would happen if I decided to pursue a life-long dream? You will never see the vision I see. You never dance with me¦I feel disgusting. I snoop around on your computer. I have to know what you're hiding from me. I know you don't trust me. You never have. You search the web for my photos. You complain endlessly about the level of respect I have for you, yet you do things behind my back without remorse. You never trust a word I say. You don't have enough respect for me to ask me about your allegations. That disgusts me. I have never been this sickened with someone. I watch television for hours and pine for you. I hide my anger and disgust in a video game. The characters live for me. It feels like you hide in the video game as well¦eager to vanish and get away from me. Am I really that unbearable? I don't even want to look at myself anymore so why would you? I can hear you now telling me I'm beautiful and a wonderful person. All you ever say is how much you love me. Those three words have lost their meaning. They shouldn't be uttered all the time. Yet you ooze them. Are you trying to keep me around? I ask you to give me reasons to stay but you never say a word. You can't think of one reason aside for "I love you. It feels like you don't even know what love is. I crawl into bed at night. I roll away from you because I want to be alone. You always pull me into your forest of a chest. I feel safe here. I wish I didn't. You tell me you never want to let me go. I keep telling myself that this will get better. The only problem is, it's only getting worse. I tell myself how much I love you, how lucky I am but I don't believe it. It's like I am lying to myself. Am I? I fight these thoughts as I anticipate sleep. The anxiety builds and I roll around in bed for hours as you lay asleep beside me. I tell myself I love you but I feel something is wrong. Is it with me, you or us? Is it something in the water or the air? I finally drift off to sleep, fighting monsters in the dark.