The War

I'm learning not to expect much from you, not to prolong the good byes just to wait for you to tell me that you love me. I'm trying so hard to fight my way through to accept the painful truth”that your heart is not mind and never was. With every joke I make I'm trying to bury the tears deep inside just so you won't think I'm vulnerable and worthless. The greatest lesson for me is learning not to expect much from something so unreliable. It's so unfair how I just give up everything for you no matter how much you hurt me. I go around preaching my words with people complimenting me on how I came up with something so deep yet I look at myself and all I see is a failure, a hypocrite. I'm so ashamed at myself, just when I thought I was so strong, that I can overcome these strong feelings for you but all I am doing with every laughter is stepping backward to where I was. I'm retreating to being unhappy and depressed drowning myself in a pool of expectations and anticipation only to get hurt in the end.
I have become someone I hated, I am the epitome of pitiful, the girl who everyone laughs at behind her back because to them they see this idiot who holds on to something everyone can clearly see is so foolish. I have become the girl who I used to make fun of, the girl who I called pathetic, the girl desperately in love and too blinded to see what's right in front of her. I know it but somehow I just couldn't care less.
I have become someone who ceases to love herself and put someone so insignificant before her happiness. No matter how much I weigh in the pain you put me through I just can't get enough of it.
Maybe I need another slap on the face, a harder one just so I can see brighter light, or maybe I should just let someone shove me into it force me to see it, understand it, appreciate it. I took every advice for granted because it never goes into my skull, you have become a part of me and you have made your way in so deep I have built you a barrier just to protect the love I have for you in me. You are in me, barricaded with my unconditional love and shield away from any truth that could break my shield apart.
I'm so sick to be polluting myself with false hope and endless dreams that I can make you mine. I need someone to help me break down the walls or at least I need to build myself one that's stronger so it will shelter me from more pain to come.
I'll take my pessimism and dub it as my fort.
As a forlorn spirit I will spend my eternal life lurking behind shadows, watching you boast about the girl who you managed to fool so well and who loved you so much she willingly ended her life because you ignored her voiceless cries. I'll be one of your trophies, I'll join the rest of them”just when I thought I was different.
Everything is taking it's time, it's unfolding itself and I can see it all. I'll become the stories you hear in newspaper about the stupid girl who killed herself because she was so ill educated that she thought the world revolved around this guy who treated her like dirt. I'll be one of the statistics of the girl full of potential and promises but foolish enough to give up.
I can spend years filling up my mind with endless questions, I can spend the rest of my life calling myself a failure, or I can spend my remaining years giving you all I have with no hope. I'll love you with everything and I'll let you walk all over me not because I'm weak but because I want to let you win. I'll let you play me like a toy and wait until you toss me aside and move on to something else. I'll take it, endure it, hide it.
I'll hold on to this addictive pain you put me through, shit, my fort is breaking down I can hear the concrete cracking.
I'm expecting you to hurt me, I'm expecting you to abuse my love, I'm anticipating the day you break me into pieces and boast your victory.
I have willingly lost this war, with my last breath of air I'm waving my white flag good” bye.