Conversations With Raul

From the corners of my eyes I see butterflies and smoke. This is a symptom of wearing contact lenses I tell myself, contacts leave unfixed gaps in my peripheral vision where my astigmatic myopic eyes do not focus, and see things that are not there.

Wearing contacts is a symptom of going to a party, or more to the point, a symptom of going to a party where there will be a particular girl. Going to the party at all is in fact a syptom of there being a particular girl.

At least I hope she will be there.

Either way it probably will not make much difference. I am not at my best at parties. I get nervous in crowds, and when I get nervous I get boring.

There is worse, my friends will be there. Ordinarily a thing to be happy about, but what little style I have, they will cramp.

Worst of all, Raul will be there. Listen, a typical conversation with Raul goes something like this:

- Mate. Dude. Mate. No Mate. Because I know this guy right, works in the fashion industry and he's not gay at all. I know 'cos this one time I ask him how come he ain't got a girlfriend and he looks at me like I'm crazy and he says - are you crazy. He says - are you crazy, what do I need a girlfriend for, I fuck the models.
-He what?
-That's what I said dude, you fuck the models? and he says yeah, I just fuck the models, that's how it works, you just fuck the models.
-Bullshit.
-Well I thought that too right, but then I'm over his flat one time, just chilling, and he's watching like the fashion channel on TV, you know, like the fashion channel with all the models just walking up and down.
-I know it.
-Yeah, and we're watching this crap, well we're not really watching it but we're in the room and it's on right. And then after a couple of beers he just points at the TV and goes - snorted coke off her tits.
-What?
-Snorted coke of her tits, that's what he said, just like that.
-Crap.
-That's what I said. But then he says it about another girl, he just points at the telly man and says - snorted coke off her tits, and he's off on one, he says it about every other fucking girl there, snorted coke off her tits, snorted coke off her tits, snorted coke off her tits. And I'm looking like you're looking now man, fucking incredulous, I think he's full of it. Then he sees this one bird right and goes - she's in town tonight, you wanna snort coke off her tits?
-What did you say?
-What do you think I said? I said hell yeah.
-And?
-And he makes the call and an hour later she turns up.
-This girl off the telly?
-Yeah man, this fucking model.
-What was her name?
-I don't fucking remember, this skinny blonde bird.
-So what happened?
-Well she comes in like and we have a couple of drinks and smoke a spliff, and before you know it, bang, she's naked on the coffee table and we snort coke off her tits.
-Bullshit.
-No, no shit dude, we snort coke off her tits, she does a line and we both bang her, one after the other.
-You're full of crap.
-I am not dude, this actually happened.
-You both banged her?
-Yeah, she's like blowing him and shit whilst I'm doing it.
-You're full of crap.
-I am not man, it happened.
-You spit roasted a model?
-Yeah.
-Bullshit.
-Yeah. Yeah. Dude. No. No. No it's bullshit, I'm fucking with you.
-I knew it.
-She was all for it like but we couldn't score.
-You are fucking nuts.
-Besides, you seen he size of these model's tits, how much fucking coke you going to fit on those things.

Literally, honestly, straight up, that is a genuine conversation with Raul, that is the sort of stuff he talks about. So you can see why I enjoy his company, he's a genuine laugh a minute, but perhaps you can also see why he cramps my style.

There is no way I am going to be able to face this party sober, so I arrange to get a drink first in a convenient pub. Naturally, I make this arrangement with Raul. We meet each other right outside the pub, walking in from different directions. He's off before I've even said hello.

-Holy crap man, did you see that?
-See what?
-This fucking gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous fucking pair of legs just went cycling past.
-What, on a bicycle?
-I don't know dude, what am I? gay?

In the pub, part of me wants to tell Raul about the girl, wants to because Raul is a good friend and might help out somehow, or might at least offer encouragement. I don't say a thing though. I don't because the likelihood is that I will bottle out and do nothing and Raul, not understanding, will give voice to every recrimination already in my own head. If I am going to act like a loser I would prefer to be the only one who knew I acted like a loser. It is easier to forget if only I know.

We have a couple of drinks, and because I am nervous I buy another round while Raul is taking a leak. The booze is obviously getting to him to because he starts off on one, completely at a tangent, totally out of the blue, utterly random.

-These fucking Muslims man.
-Raul.
-These fucking Muslims they come to this country.
-Raul.
-They come to this country and they lap up all the good shit we got here, all the freedom of speech and shit.
-Raul.
-They take all the freedoms, and all the free money and crap, and they start saying it's no good and we got to live by their rules. What's that shit about?
-Raul.
-What?
-You're a Muslim.
-Yeah man but I was born here.
-They're all born here, all the July bombers were born in the UK.
-I wasn't talking about terrorists.
-You were going to.
-Yeah, you're right I was and I'm fucking sick of it. All everyone talks about these days is fucking terrorism. You know what's it's like being a Muslim and everyone talking about terrorism all the time, it's like being German and everyone talking about the war. It's fucking tiresome, like you feel you should apologise or something.
-Well you brought it up.
-I did and I'm fucking ashamed of myself dude. You know what I'm gonna to do. I decided this just now, just right now sitting here, I'm gonna do this tomorrow, I'm gonna to become a community leader.
-A community leader?
-Yeah man a community leader, how hard can it be, all these fuckers on the news are all self appointed so why not me? Take the council of English Islamic thing.
-The Muslim Council of Great Britain
-Yeah man, I never elected those bastards, I don't remember casting my Muslim vote for one of them fuckers.
-Good point.
-Yeah, and then the next time some psycho blows up a bus I'm going to appear on the news with like a banner thing beneath me, what are those things called?
-Subtitles.
-No they've got a proper a name. Anyway I'm going to get on the telly with one of these things beneath me saying - Raul, community leader. And I'm going to stand there with a tin of stella in one hand and a big fat spliff in the other, and I'm going to say hey, look at me, I'm a Muslim, I'm as much Muslim as anybody, I go to mosque all the time and it's never done me any harm.
-You never go to mosque.
-Screw you I don't go to mosque, I went last week.
-You went to buy a phone.
-Well that's where the guy with the phone was, Mosque, so I went to Mosque.
-Fair enough.
-You seen this phone man? look at this it's got fucking everything on it, I can get you one of these if you want.

At the party I weave a little. Raul and I weave in the door, laughing and staggering as air like steam and a wall of white noise hits us, a beating hubbub of music drowned out by voices. The crowd already there is staggering and laughing already, and we stagger and laugh and weave our way through.

The girl in question is in the kitchen and I find her when I deposit our blue plastic bag full of drink into the fridge. I loose Raul in the hallway, talking to some other person, and there she is, me and her, her and I, alone at last.

The question comes even when you know there is no good answer, when you knew the answer you yourself would give would be glib, would annoy, would be no help. The question comes long after the answer came, and only then do you learn that the answer is no good.

"Ask her.

"How do I know if she likes me?

And I do not ask her, and I grow nervous, and I can feel my eyes swim, and I can hear myself say something boring.

And then Raul comes in and punches me in the back and says

-Dude, dude, dude. I never told you. I met this girl.

And I know he is performing, doing this for my benefit, so I can play my straight man role again.

-Yeah?
-We met last week at this thing.
-Yeah?
-You know those nights? Those nights when you just sit up with another person talking, just talking, and you loose track of time, and you just talk all night.
-Yeah?
-Well it wasn't like that, we just had sex and then she went home.

The girl, my girl, bless her, laughs, and Raul does this thing where he gestures from me to her with his eyes, smiles a really big smile, and makes himself scarce. And we manage to start talking, her and I, and laughing, and I offer her a drink and she takes it. And I try to summon up the courage to do something. To just be damned and take a chance because it really isn't that big a deal. It really isn't anything I won't regret more if I don't do it. It's just a matter of having the courage. And with another drink I reckon I might. With another drink.

I see butterflies and smoke from the corners of my eyes.