The worker’s guide to un-success

Hey you!

Me?

Yeah you. The average man on the street. Are you up for a job interview and/or promotion at your current place of employment?

Why, yes I am.

And how does that make you feel?

Well I’m a little worried about it actually…

Really? Really? Are you scared, nervous terrified that the rest of you life depends on this interview?

Well…

Just think what would happen if you failed. You whole life would be over!

Well not quite...

Exactly! Everything would be ruined! Think of your family.

My family?

Your family! Your poor wife who works so hard to have a hot meal on the table for you every night of the week. How would she cope when you fail? How will she be able to hold her head high at the Church Mother’s bake sale knowing that her husband is a failure? And your children - left alone and fatherless when she runs off with the milkman - can who can blame her. Who? Who?

Um…

Well fear not my friend! For help its here!

It is?

Yes indeed. And what is that help I hear you cry?

What is that …?

It’s the worker’s guide to un-success! The worker’s guide to un-success I hear you cry - why what is that?

The worker’s guide to …

It is the answer to all your problems my good man. Never again will you have to face the agonising extra respect and responsibility that a new job will bring. This simple guide will ensure that you never reach your true potential and never shatter to the pits of despair. Who cares about ambitions we say? I said who cares about ambitions?

I…

You don’t! Exactly! Well fear not! The worker’s guide to un-success will make sure that you NEVER make a good impression on your boss. Simply follow these simple steps and all fears of promotion will disappear forever!

1. The interview.

Good Sir - what would you say is the most important thing to remember about an interview?

Um - to be on time?

Wrong! That is the wrong answer my friend. And that is why I am a multi-billionaire radio jingle writer and you Sir are …

A university lecturer.

A lowly pathetic office worker! Good Sir-the correct answer is to remember to always turn up late for any interview/meeting/performance review. After all no one appreciates an over-enthusiastic worker. And what about your appearance? What should you wear to you interview Mister man-off-the-street?

A suit?

A suit he says. He says a suit! Has the man been listening to a word I’ve said?! Sir, dear dear Sir, the aim here is not to impress but to un-impress. Remember that fear? That soul-shaking fear of knowing just knowing that you are never going to get the job you are after. Remember your wife. Remember her shame at having to tell the neighbours that you have once again, ONCE AGAIN failed at an interview?

Uh…

The correct answer sir is to go informally. Informality in dress shows creative thinking. Anything goes! Football kit, dirty trainers, your wife’s underwear. Hell why not go the whole way and simply not bother getting dressed at all that day!

You mean go naked?

Sir! Please! Your language! This is a family show after all! I am talking sir about your bed wear.

My bed wear?

Your pyjamas dear Sir. Slippers pyjamas and a nightcap if you have one. Your style with shout relaxed and at ease. Perfect.

2. Conversation.

So now you’re there. If you’re really lucky they’ll turn you away at the door and you won’t even have to go through with the rest of it. But in case you do mange to get into the interview room itself-remember the golden rule when talking to others…

Always be polite?

No! No! Politeness smiteness! Stuff it out the window! You're trying to lose your job here remember and it’s much better to go down honestly than to be remembered as a stuck up polite freak. The thing to remember here Sir is to speak your mind in all situations. Honesty is always more highly regarded than tact.

Actually I'm not sure...

Trust me on this this. Think that your boss needs to go on a diet-tell him so - he’ll truly appreciate the advice. Feel that the management team are all a bunch of woolly mammoths? Tell them so to their faces-much more polite than talking behind their backs.

3. Questions.

Right now comes the tricky part. “So Mister man-off-the-street, tell us about your last job. What kind of work did you do?”

Well mostly I just…

Wrong! That is wrong wrong wrong! Whatever you do, under no circumstances WHATSOEVER must even even consider… TELLING THE TRUTH!!!!

You mean I should lie?

Lying, embellishing the truth, telling a story, inventing… it’s all the same really isn’t it? And after all-who’s it going to hurt?

Well me properly.

Exactly! And that is the whole idea here! So go ahead! Lie your head off. Your last job was a lion tamer in a touring Russian Circus. Before that you were an Astronaut and were on the first manned flight to Mars. Before that you spent a year travelling the world on a po-go stick raising money for [insert name of desired charity here]. And for your work experience, fresh out of school you were special adviser to the President of the United States, Poet Laureate and co-founder of a children’s home-you would have liked to carry that one on but current work commitments got in the way.

But it’s not true!

Who cares! You don’t want the job anyway remember! And they’ll soon pick up on the slight embellishments anyway and by that time there’s no way they’ll give you a job!

But what if they do?

Then my fine fellow, you onto step four. Few people make it this far. It’s a dangerous world out there though so it’s best to be prepared for...

4. Seep with the boss.

I can’t do that!

You can Sir and you will! On the slight chance that you haven’t been kicked screaming out the door by now anyway and have actually against all probability been offered the job-there’s nothing else for it. Sleep you must and sleep you will. Although the actual sleeping part per-se is optional. Never mind the cliché-having it off with the boss is the sure-fire way to win yourself a one-way ticket to unemployment! Of course complications may arise due to having a same-sex boss, personal sexual preferences or the fact that your boss is plain butt ugly. In that case-look for alternatives-try sleeping with the boss’ husband/wife, lesbian life partner, son/daughter or vulnerable niece who was left in their care after her parents were killed in a horrific boating accident.

That’s horrible!

Well the choice is pretty much up to you Sir. Keep you morals intact, strive for self improvement and end up with a broken home, dysfunctional drug addicts for kids and an early death from stress-induced monotony. Or choose freedom! Freedom from alarm clocks, time sheets and photocopiers. Freedom to run you own life, move to Spain, move to Disneyland even. Be happy and free and bring you kids up right. What’s more important in life Sir? Some mis-guided sense of morality or your children’s future?

Well my kids of course it’s just that...

Exactly! And you’d do anything make sure that your kids have a good future wouldn’t you Sir?

Well. Yeah I guess so!

Exactly! So just remember the golden rule-when it comes to screwing around at work the key is to bed 'em and dump 'em, and the more public, shameful, humiliating and downright degrading the dumping is the better. Your chances of promotion are now down to zero.

Uh huh. Look that's all been really interesting but I really have to...

But why wait around to be fired? Quit while you’re behind. And pop in and say hello to your friendly job agency workers. Remember without people like you, us poor souls would be out of a job. And without job agencies-where would the rest of us be?

...go now. So um. Bye then.

Go on. Treat yourself to our easy four-step guide to self-demotion. Recommend it to a friend, colleague or boss. Whatever their position it’s never too late to escape from the capitalist regime of terror. Good luck and get demoted! Hey, where did that gut go?

That was a BZ promotion sponsored by BZ Job Shops-seeing you out of work makes our day!