Men would quake in their opium hearts

Obviously I applaud the drive to produce a sonnet. I don't think the form itself is archaic (Borges already proved it can be an extraordinary tool even in contemporary times). However I do concur with NO_1 that you need to modernise your vocabulary. "Perchance" and "wantonness" are words no-one uses anymore unless in an ironic register, and they feel artificial and over-researched in this text. The form is perfectly modern, it's just some questions of voice which need to be adjusted. Try writing sonnets as if you were just talking to a friend, for instance, and see what language you'd find yourself using. There's quite a few examples of promising imagery in there (I love the first line!), so adjusting the expression would be great. Also, what's with the rhyme-scheme? It's neither Petrarchan nor Elizabethan, is it just your own idea or is this some other established kind of sonnet? Finally, proofread your work before you submit. Lines 4 and 6 should read "whose," not "who's", and there's a superfluous semi-colon in the final line. Anyway, as I said, there's some promising skill in here. Stick with the sonnet!

I disagree - I applaud the use of 'archaic' language here - these words are beautiful and should not be forgot. However, your lexis is rather clumsy and your punctuation slightly whimsical! Rework, perfect, and keep using those fantastic words.