The Woolworths Farce

Tit tape, breast measurements and rules on how to lean from the waist into puffy cups so they slide on straight are our future. Correct chest positioning; there are courses on it. However, the corporate branded fireproof curtains that segregate changing cubicles are no longer heavy enough to expel the sins of the soul. There are piles of special price swimwear left behind waiting to be put out and there is a girl standing naked in her thong wedged between three full-length mirrors. There are too many people in the store already and it’s January, the queue is heaving.

Now the girl is wailing; fat, spoiled and over sugared she will not hear ‘NO!’ from even our most experienced gold watch swinging sales madam. Till fodder girls stare over a perfectly formed checkmate.
- So I can bring it back.
- No. You can bring the cocktail dress in. Hold it up and see if the magic bra matches.
- I’m taking them home. If the cups pop out of the bodice I will bring them back alright.
-Packaging says can you read? you cannot try these magic cups on. It is an intimate product.
-I want to bring them back.
- What except for the two chickens welded to your chest is your problem?
Then twitchy Mary totally out of the blue says
-Yes yes yes!
Mary’s eating her hand no staff free lunch that day as she can’t take the pressure of the queue even though she’s nuts over yelling
-Madam I can only serve one customer at a time.
The girl has gone with the sound bite of Mary’s fake orgasm reverberating in a tin can (Yes yes yes).

Now she’s back in customer services with her mum on the line full of
- You told my daughter she can bring it back.
The bra is like fifteen pounds is that a lot? I can never tell with young girls these days where they get their money from. I mean how does a schoolgirl cover Blackberry rental complete with iTunes add ons. Happy Christmas Angel love Sugar Daddy.

Said Angel is ripping at her chest. She thinks this is Primark and it’s not with
-Hey hey look they don’t cup me they fall off. Shall I show you?
and her tits are huge. I’m like nothing nothing no way will cup those mammas.
-Why don’t you get lumps cut out of them then maybe it would work, they’d hold on then?
and I want to show her with the till desk scissors but they’re blunt. She wants a refund, she demands her money back every penny and she wants to speak to a manager. Do they teach you in school now how to break down a company starting with the returns policy first? Shouldn’t she be out throwing two balls against a wall or with her bike in the cul de sac she’s young enough not flicking her nipples to demonstrate where she wants coverage. On she goes onwards and upwards like a Christian soldier marching as to the General Manager and lord knows the last time we see him it’s a fire drill. He has a diary full lady but no not this time, he’s out of the office and all CCTV cameras are click click moving onto her like she’s got a tick tock back pack. You can hear the lungs of the commercial elite managers expand and deflate almost in tune to those of the complainant who gets all that she wants: The world bouncing at her feet and stolen pick n mix crammed in her wet salivating pink gob. So that’s how you get your money back. Well you do. It works.