The 4.30pm London to Berkamhead, Return (Berkamhead 1996: Diary Entry 26th November 1996)

Berkamhead 1996

Diary Entry – 26th November 1996

I decided to go for the direct approach; but not before we had exchanged the usual pleasantries about the weather and yesterday’s TV. Why do we do it? Why can’t people forget all that crap and say exactly what they want? But it seems that unless you already have a friendship with someone and I think this is especially true at work, it is nearly impossible to ever do more than pass time. Anyway, as if driven by some inner, uncontrollable voice, as soon as we entered the privacy of the office I came out with the less than subtle, “ I saw you in Gutterford yesterday, at the Terrance Higgins place”. Had I been taking stupid pills or what? I must have blushed and instantly cursed myself at my idiocy.

I was honestly amazed at her reaction as I had gone in two footed. Well, at least, the lack of it. It was almost as if I had thrown a simple interview question at her; one she seemed to guarantee she could answer with ease.

When Juliet mentioned ‘HIV’ and ‘Aids’ I think my head went to a different place for a few minutes. I couldn’t recount what she said as I went through all the contact that she had had with the residents and with me. I cursed myself for blowing their safety. In retrospect, all stupid, utter senseless fears and I had always thought myself than that. I felt naive and foolish and completely embarrassed.

Eventually when I had gotten my head back together, I was fully prepared for the worse. But as it turned out, the trip to the clinic had been precautionary and she had spent most of the morning getting the information she felt she needed to make an informed decision about getting tested. I felt a well of pride as I had recognised these ‘skills’ when we had first met. Bravely she went through the story which had lead to her to need to make one of the most life changing decisions a person could make.

By her own admission, she had never really been the party going type, but a few months before coming to Berkamhead, she had gone to a nightclub and like all us, had a bit too much to drink. I’ll spare going through the rest of the details as it is only bound to make me sad again and I think that I have mulled it over enough for one day, but it concluded that she had been raped by some man she had never before. I was shocked and angered really; rape is a horrific thing to happen to anyone, but I have never genuinely met anyone with such a good heart as hers.

I could see that the chance to even tell someone everything had really taken its toll on her. For some reason I was still surprised to see her so shaken. So I held out my hand and offered my arms to comfort her. Not something I had done before, to a colleague or to a resident even though I had been on the end of my fair share of emotion from both. But I held her and offered her safety, which it seemed she perhaps she had been longing for.