Hiccups (2) - cures 8 to 16

Cure 8. A spoonful of sugar. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. I’m sure there’s a song to that effect from some musical or other. Nina used to play musicals all the time when we were together, which didn’t quite blend with my own indie selection. As far as I’m concerned the Smiths are the finest band ever. By the 90s, when I was with Nina, I was into Nirvana, and had a soft spot for the Frank and Walters, who I’d met. As you would imagine Nina and I had the occasional disagreement about music choice when we moved in together. Eventually we settled into a routine, if you can call it that, of playing our own music in separate rooms. Each of us I guess living to our own soundtrack, but dancing in tandem none the less.

Actually it worked well. It was the first time that either of us had lived with anyone and it helped us retain our own space. We kept separate bedrooms for the same reason. We slept together, obviously, but it was good to keep somewhere to be on your own, whether that was for working, listening to music or just entertaining friends Nina didn’t like. Anyway I seem to have got distracted. Cure number 8 is a spoonful of sugar. Apparently the high carbon content and its quick entry into the bloodstream makes it a most effective cure. It didn’t work for me though. Suggested by an old woman at a bus stop.

Cure 9. Various attempts to shock me. Jo at Amnesty kindly burst a balloon behind my back. It made me jump and made Andy spill his pint, but it didn’t cure my hiccups. It was funny though so I didn’t mind. My pint was safe; I don’t shock easily. For clarification this was the student Amnesty group, which I still attended in the Union bar on a Thursday evening, even though technically I was no longer a student.

Cure 10. Sex. Good, hard, rigorous, physical sex. Suggested by me to Nina. I didn’t know whether it would cure hiccups, but it sounded like a good idea, would distract me from hiccupping surely. This was day three, or more accurately night three. By this time we were sleeping in separate beds. Not that there was anything wrong in particular, just that my hiccupping had kept Nina awake on the first night, and what with her finals approaching, there was no way she was going to let that happen again. I suggested that a night of passion would cure me of the retched disease, but she wasn’t interested, mumbled something about exams and nightmares involving seals and sent me to my room.

Cure 11. The second attempt to shock me was by Cerys at work, she leapt out at me from behind a filing cabinet (Cerys is small and hides easily). She didn’t succeed in curing my hiccups, but did make me throw the coffee I was carrying all over Tom’s computer. He needed a new keyboard, but luckily the computer still worked and no people or animals were hurt in the incident. The learning point here is that if you’re going to try to shock someone who has hiccups make sure that it is safe to do so first.

Cure 12. A kick up the arse. This was executed by Lara at work, who I fancied. I didn’t mind, it didn’t cure my hiccups, but I was pleased at the physical contact. This was day 4 and I was beginning to miss the feminine touch. Perhaps it was her way of showing that she liked me.

Cure 13. Sucking on mints. Suggested by Sheena at work. Sheena was a friend of Nina’s, and thus the reason I was careful not to be overly flirtatious with Lara. Not a particularly good suggestion, no effect on the hiccupping, but did at least help settle my stomach, which was a bit shook up by the constant hiccupping.

Cure 14. Hot milky drink. Suggested by an ex-girlfriend’s landlady, I forget her name. Though we’d split me and Kath had remained good friends, and I trusted her judgement. Indeed the only ill-judged moment of her life was probably agreeing to go out with me, though don’t quote me on that. I went round to see her ‘cause I was having problems with Nina. She wasn’t there though, I think she’d gone to Manchester to find herself or something. I chatted to her landlady, who knew all about hiccups, because she’d had five children. Hot milky drinks may have worked for her children but they didn’t work for me.

Cure 15. Yoga. Suggested by my hippy friend Sue who was into that sort of thing. Something to do with an imbalance in your diaphragm causing the hiccups and yoga teaching you to breath properly. Attended one yoga session, but was laughed out of the class for my constant hiccupping. Apparently I upset the balance of the group’s karma.

Cure 16. Consult a doctor. After five days of constant hiccupping I was in a bad way, having done without sleep and having upset my stomach, which led to occasional fits of coughing and vomiting. So, on Nina’s insistence, I went to see my GP. Dr Practice had been my GP since I moved to Swansea. Though an elderly man he still had the bulk and beard of authority. I told him about my problem, punctuating my description with the audible symptom.

His reaction was the loudest and most insistent laugh I have ever known. He didn’t just laugh though, he called the receptionist in to listen to me, as if I was a performing seal (OK I sounded like a performing seal) and went into the waiting room to tell all his patients. Big booming Welsh voice addressing the sick and injured “Come and see this, the funniest thing.” I stood there like a clown receiving a custard pie. Dr Practice spent the five minutes of our consultation laughing at me, or telling other people to laugh at me. He did find time to scribble out a prescription though, something to settle my stomach. But the drugs didn’t work and my hiccups persisted.