(ICTP2) Incident At The Centre Of The Universe - Part 5

“Time please gentlemen”, barked the diminuitive landlord of the Centre of The Universe Public house in a thick bristolian brogue. He was a midget,not even as high as a barstool but he had biceps the size of pumpkins and a face like an annoyed pitbull which gave any would be troublemakers the immediate impression that,even though they may not receive his fist in their face,he may still be able to latch onto something more vital lower down.

Tom Morrow grimaced in a darkened corner of the pub and a ripe tear sploshed into his half empty tankard. “Time”,he said under his breath, “Time be f – d”.

He’d once believed that he was “The Master of All Time”, the greatest clock turner in all of San Fairy Ann,he and his time machine ‘Old Widdershins’. If you needed anything smuggled across the 4th dimension he was the man you spoke to but the strange malady which now inflicted him that they called “Chronotosis” or “Time Traveller’s Disease” which had mercifully not killed him had still left him paralysed in a hospital for days,staring at a blank wall and thinking about nothing but the end. Time,it seemed was taking its revenge upon him now. He looked and felt like someone gradually fading out of existence and he no longer cared for money or status anymore –just adventure or a noble cause which would give his life some meaning.

Alchemi shouldered his way through the heavy wooden swing doors of the pubs rear entrance,dragging behind him something large,heavy and cumbersome but completely invisible. He felt like a complete nork and so it was apt that he should be disguised as a clown/mime artist with white greasepaint face,red rubber nose and ridiculous outsized shoes which made it near impossible to walk.

The first to spot him was the minute landlord,who,partly due to a childhood fear of clowns had long ago placed a sign up above the pub entrance which read “No Dogs and No Clowns”. Moving as quickly as he could manage with such short legs the landlord charged across the bar-room floor with the intention of throwing out the troublesome Harlequin but,fortunately for Alchemi, he managed to reach the table where his contact was sitting before the dwarf could get a hold of him.

The first thing that Alchemi said was “I’m not insane” and then, “I have a package for you to deliver”.

The Midget landlord loomed behind Alchemis left kneecap about to seize his left leg in a powerful ju-jitsu armlock but Tom told him, “It’s ok. He’s with me. He’s just come back from a costume party,that’s all”.

The Landlord backed away,begrudgingly, “We’re closing”, he said gruffly as he toddled back across the floor, dissappearing into a forest of legs.

“Where is the Package?”, asked Tom, looking round about Alchemi but seeing no-one.

“It,I mean,She is on the floor in an invisible sack. I’m not crazy. Check if you want”, said Alchemi, “Also I haven’t much money but I was told that you give discounts to worthy causes”.

Tom prodded in the direction of the floor and felt the shape of Fassion struggling against her bonds,“I see”,said Tom,smiling, “Or rather,I don’t see. But who told you to come to me?”.

Alchemi rolled up his left sleeve and showed Tom the tatooed insignia of his cult, “We have done buisness with you before and with few questions being asked”.

“Ok – so where do you want the package delivered?”,asked Tom.

Alchemi hadn’t really given much thought to the answer of this last question, “Just sometime safe and sometime a long time away”.

“And is it really a worthy cause?”,asked Tom.

Alchemi’s eyes flashed with youthful determination, “It is the most worthy cause of all. It is love”.

One drawback of invisible fabric; it is very hard to spot holes in it and over years of lying,crumpled up on Alchemis apartment floor many small holes and tears had been formed in it and this coupled with the continuous kicking of Fashions left roller boot
Had widened the holes just enough for Fassion to push her feet and then her legs through.

What followed has become known in the history of “The Centre of the Universe public house” as the “Roller-Phantom incident”. A pair of disembodied legs,identified by onlookers as female with shapely calves and ankles and wearing day-glo tri-colored roller boots, appeared,seemingly,out of thin air and began skating in the direction of the pool table. Unfortunately for Fassion, not only was she invisible, she was completely blinded by the invisiflage fabric covering her head and torso and,heading towards what she hoped might be the pubs exit, she accidentally collided with the back of a pool player who was aiming a red ball into the corner left pocket. Startled, the pool player sent the ball hurtling wildly off target,smacking into the back of a barmaids beehive and causing her to pour ice-cubes onto the pubs wooden floor which inturn caused a disco dancing pensioner to fall backwards onto a sleeping pitbull that because of its fight or flight instinct locked its jaws into the backside of a man selling jellied electric eels who involuntarilly hurled a plateful of them into the face of a man attempting to throw a dart. A sharp electric shock from the eels made him miss the bulls eye and instead send his dart hurtling towards the ample backside of a bending barmaid who immediately screamed and dropped a piping hot steak and ale pie over the head of a seated customer who angrilly reacted by pushing the barmaid backwards into the man playing the one armed bandit who, nudged by the falling barmaid inturn nudged the fruit machine at just the right time to hit the jackpot and empty the machine of all its sparkling,tinkling booty.

Seeing all the commotion made Tom laugh. It had been a long while since Tom had laughed at anything. “Ok”, he said, “I’ll deliver your package”.