The hourglass man

“Not again! What is that bloody noise you keep making Ben? You sound like a fucking warthog with chronic indigestion and constipation.”

“What,” Shouted a voice from inside the bathroom, “sorry I can’t hear you, what are you saying?”

“No wonder with that hacking and grunting you keep making, you should, and in fact you need to see Doctor Parker.”

The voice belonged to Gillian Sanderson, she was rebuking her Husband for making strange guttural noises in the shower, she was a mixture of concerned, curious and disgusted at the sounds emanating from behind the bathroom door.”

“Are you listening to me Ben?”

Ben Sanderson groaned under his breath. “Yeah I can hear you now, it’s just nervous reflux, and I’ll get something for it after work honey.”

“But you’ve not even had breakfast, if it was reflux it would be after you’d eaten something. Get an appointment with him or I’ll phone for you.”

He groaned again, the hot spray from the shower head was more annoying than soothing, recently early mornings were becoming more and painful, the days of seamlessly and effortlessly easing one’s self in were now long gone. The morning light now filled him with dread and anxiety, this cocktail stewing and brewing in his stomach must be the reason for this persistent early morning cough he’d somehow acquired.

Ten minutes later though he smiled and lied to his wife.

Kissing her on the forehead. “You’re right babe, I better phone the Doc, and it’s annoying as hell as you say.”

She frowned. “You better had ok?” And she kissed him back on the cheek. “You look bloody awful; it’s gone on too long and sounds worse every day.”

“I will, oh and thanks for the compliment.” he smiled again. “See ya laters taters.”

“What no breakfast?”

“Nah, I’ll pick up something on the way in, I’m pushed for time.”

Again she frowned, her eyes narrowed quizzically, she didn’t need to check the clock to know he was lying, she just simply nodded. “Ok, take care,” she replied deadpan.

His tense smile non verbal reply said it all.

Two hours later at work the hunger pangs of having no breakfast had begun to hit home, he looked at the clock anxiously, he’d read about the body losing too many body sugars during the night, and that anxiety and stress were the body asking the brain for food, a lot of nasty in house chemicals kicked in if you didn’t heed the initial warnings. He wiped his mouth nervously, because the thought of bacon sausage and eggs with hot buttered toast sliding down his gullet was irremovable, fuck the reflux or whatever the annoying fucker was, this was something he had to have now to kick-start his day. But he’d have to conjure up something to leave the office. He lifted the phone on his desk and dialled 2603.

“Hi Clive, it’s Brian here, listen I need to pop out for about an hour and pick up a doctor’s script and try and arrange an appointment, if anyone calls I should be back within the hour though,” he stuttered nervously rubbing the side of his face, embarrassed by this new habit of lying.

Clive his boss grumbled. “Ben it took you two hours to just suddenly recall the need to disappear for an hour, well by all means if it’s medical and urgent. Just I usually make the appointment with the doctor and then get the prescription.”

“Yeah, it’s a separate issue for the appointment Clive, I’m really sorry it just sprung into my mind just now, I’d completely forgot. I had a bit of an argument with Gill this morning, that’s dominating my mind right now.”

“Ok, well when you return try and let your work dominate your mind, we need you on track this month Ben, something I shouldn’t have to be reminding you about.”

“Sure Clive, I get the gist of what you’re saying. Thanks. I’ll skip lunch to make up.”

“Good, I need to talk to you later.”

The line went dead. Ben couldn’t help himself but comment. “Patronizing cunt.”

The Diner was almost full when he entered, apparently the whole city had the same idea as him, but he was almost salivating now and couldn’t wait any longer, so he jumped into the tight two seat table by the window and looked anxiously for a waitress. Sitting next to the window meant he might get spotted of course, but he didn’t care, he needed something to quell the hunger. A waitress appeared within a minute.

His platter of food soon arrived, and he felt good for the first time that morning.

Half asleep enjoying meal and half taking in the view of the high street busily channelling by, the shock of first the demented smile then the vaudeville yellow suit and pink bowler hat at the window shook him from his daydream , then froze him. The guy on the other side of window grinning at him was obviously a lunatic, and more concerning he appeared to want to engage with Ben. He half heartedly smiled back and nodded, hoping the creature would go away. To his alarm the chap simply winked, nodded and pointed to the seat opposite Ben and gave him the thumbs up.

“Oh fuck please no, please lord don’t let him come in.” whispered Ben under his breath.

Sadly for Ben the lord did not smite down the loon. Two minutes later before him was the walking piece of art that was just outside the window. Ben’s breakfast had just arrived, so the excuse of just leaving vanished. Ben groaned silently again whilst trying to force a false smile for his unwanted guest. Was this Mr Bo jangles or Jason and his Technicolor dream coat, the discoloured teeth and the wide piercing eyes signified something much more distasteful sadly.

“Do you mind?” Asked the stranger quizzically pointing to the table.

Again Ben took the option of lying.

“The seat is taken I’m sorry, you’ll have to find another booth I’m afraid.”

This reply seemed to cause great merriment, as the stranger’s eyes lit up even more alarmingly and he let loose a loud peculiar hooting laugh, but this seemingly catching no one’s attention in the diner.

“Ain’t you the card stranger even if that was really true, it wasn’t what I was saying, no what I meant was not only are you in my seat, but you’re also late for your appointment, hell I’ve been by a few times already buddy, I thought you’d stood me up, but I’m being silly because that hardly ever happens.” Winked the stranger.

He then then sat down opposite, still smiling and almost penetrating him with his eyes.

“Now listen here,” began Ben.

“Steady Benjamin, putting on a pissy act won’t cut it with me, don’t try and kid a kidder, it never has worked and never will with me, you’re a good guy and this new gig of lying isn’t part of your makeup.”

“How did you know my na...?”

“How do I know your name, hmmm well Ben I know a lot of things about a lot of things, it’s my business to know and it’s my business to know and assist people like you.”

“Help...me?”

“Well yeah you’re here aren’t you?”

“But I don’t know you; we’ve never spoken let alone have I contacted you.”

“Well Ben I beg to differ, ever since you’ve had this nasty lil, ahem shall we say cough, you’ve been calling out to me with ever increasing frequency, whether you realised it or not. And you eventually turning up today. Meant you got and accepted my invitation to come see me.”

Ben looked at the man dumbfounded.

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Yay, I thought you’d never ask, and although your bluntness and lack of gratitude has a certain charm it has been noted.” replied the stranger unabashed. “You can call me Luc, but hey here’s my business card just in case you want to recommend me to your pals.” He seemingly plucked the card from thin air and slid it across the table and winked again.

The card read Luc Indigo Fifer the hourglass man; Handyman and jack of all trades, here to assist solve those niggling but persistent everyday problems. Ben looked at the card, it was strange, the surface peculiar, oily it almost felt like it was absorbing energy back through his skin, recoiling and shuddering he placed it back on the table, much to the mirth of his unwanted guest.

“Did you feel that buzz partner? You did, didn’t you?”

“Look Mr what do you want with me, you’re obviously very clever at what you do, whatever that is. But I can assure you I won’t be getting involved with you under no circumstances,” Ben nervously coughed as he replied, causing Mr Fifer to sman.

“Reflux you call that? You don’t say huh? That’s a very optimistic and amateurish prognosis Benjamin Kenneth Patrick Sanderson to say the least, you should leave that stuff to people, and I won’t say experts, but people who’ve been around these things and are better qualified to guess.”

“What do you want from me, just get it over and done with, and sell whatever it is you’re trying to sell me.” Ben replied half amazed, half indignant.

“Good, now you eat your breakfast and old Luc will give you a veritable display of what is and what can be.” Again he winked.

In an instant like a card shark he produced four identical items from inside his coat.

“You of course know what these are don’t you Ben?”
Four hourglasses, miniature in size sat in a line evenly spaced out on the table. Ben wide eyed eventually nodded.

Fifer then leaned forward, so close to Ben’s face it was almost intimate, thank god that didn’t happen, Fifer’s breath was like rancid old vegetable stew or rotten unwashed socks, Ben felt nauseous. Fifer whispered. “But these are very special and very personal hour glasses my friend, I brought them here today just to show you an example of my line of work.”

“Why are they special,” asked Ben leaning back but now reluctantly getting interested.

Fifer winked again, “Well one of the very important reasons is that they represent four individual person’s in shall we say this neighbourhood.”

“Oh! And who are they?”

“Hmmm! Well before I divulge that, which of the four interest you?” Fifer gave Ben one of his trademark snake toothed smiles.

Ben looked for a moment, it was obvious he had to pick the hour glass with the least sand in the top part of the glass, the one next to it was only marginally better off , the two others were still well stocked on top, sand trickling through. “That one in the left centre, the one with the least sand to flow through to the bottom.”

“Interesting,” replied Fifer, “But nevertheless the one almost everyone selects, mind you some annoying bright pricks sometimes pick the ones on the flanks, thinking it’s them. But Ben it never is, and it never is because I wouldn’t be needed if it was. I deal with people who don’t have much sand or shall we say time left, people sadly like you.”

His face went ashen with shock and was unable to speak for a few moments, but he managed to reply. “You saying or trying to imply that these cheap little toys are people’s personal time clocks?”

“Yeah, but hey not cheap, they’re very precious, but that’s pretty much it pilgrim, you’re picking this up really quickly now.” Replied Fifer much aggrieved.

“Preposterous!”

Fifer recoiled playfully in his seat. “Whoa! Buster you don’t have to believe me and to be frank nor do I care to be honest, you’re the one who’s crying out for help, be it subconsciously or not.”

“That is not my hourglass, I got plenty of years left” protested Ben incredulously, pointing at the chosen vessel resentfully.

“When did I say it was yours,” Fifer replied with now feigned shock. “No that little fellow belongs to a Mr Nathanial Myers, who’s just about to walk into our view out on the street there. Watch what happens Ben, maybe it will convince you the hard way.” Fifer now smiling again picked up the hourglass. “Oh and keep an eye on this will you, you’ll find it all very intriguing.”

They both looked out onto the main city thoroughfare, and there in the thrall of human traffic plodding along the pavement was the alleged Mr Myers, Fifer pointed him out. Myers was no spring chicken or fitness freak that was obvious, his bloated frame huffing and puffing trying to keep pace; perhaps an appointment or train scheduled was beckoning, whatever he wasn’t going to make it. As Ben watched a chill of dreadful foreboding drifted up his body, from his little toe to the sparse hair on the top of his head, yet his eyes were fixed on the portly gentleman. Myers in mid stride suddenly froze, pirouetted almost comically like a beached ballerina and keeled over sideways into the road, a Fedex truck driving by finished off the job gruesomely, and at that precise moment Ben’s eyes switched back to the hourglass between Fifer’s fingers, and in that moment just like it was never really there it trailed away like a smoky hologram.

“Voila, some people call that magic Ben,” exclaimed Fifer grinning. “Bye bye Nat old boy, you had a good old innings, even if it was uneventful,” he turned to Ben, his face now exuding mock sorrow. He then picked up the other hour glass in the centre and twirled it in his fingers. “Now come on Ben, you don’t wanna go the same way as him, do ya?” Fifer clicked his teeth and gave that ever knowing wink again.

Ben sat in abject horror, his eyes switched back and forth from the street to the diner, both inside and out, the attention and screams were focused purely on the stricken Mr Myers and only he, apparently Mr Fifer was a vision only for Ben no one else.

“Clogged up arteries, that’s what just killed old Nate, forget the two ton truck, that was just gratuitous, he was gone before he hit the pavement, that’s if you need to know that Ben,” continued Fifer bluntly. “You’re on the same path, your reflux as you call it, is actually the beginning of cancer of the oesophagus, your Doc will think it’s the treatable oesophagitis initially, you know where the stomach lining tears and sends shit up back through your windpipe, causing you to clear your throat all the time. But no it will get worse, and he and you are in for a big shock in a month or two.”

The message unsurprisingly took a few minutes to hit home, but the display had finally convinced Ben to get on board.

“So what exactly are you offering me?” Croaked Ben, now giving Fifer his full undivided attention.

For moment the maverick was now silent, and then he turned the hourglass over in his hand, to Ben’s surprise the sand trickled up into the glass above instead of down.

“For you not a great deal, I can’t change the outcome Ben, hell I wouldn’t be plying my trade in tacky joints like this if I could.” He then went serious again. “But what I can do is , is alter what happens along the way, and what I mean is and I don’t mean to be cruel, but in 9-12 months you’re out of the scene Benny boy in a painful but instantly boring forgettable way, excluding your loved one’s that is. Sorry, diplomacy and tact has never been a strong trait with me, but to cut to the chase I can make you famous when you go, I can make it so your wife is looked after for the rest of her lovely life.”

He then produced another hour glass heavily laden with sand in the top half and smiled yet again. “See she’s ok for a long while yet friend, and for a small consideration on your part she’ll live a wealthy one too.”

“And in what form would that consideration be?”

“To put simply, a few of your remaining grains of sand, I can’t stop you from dying on that particular day, but I can help you die before the day, and I can give you the option of dying with panache and bravado, mind you , you have to follow my advice to the letter.”

“What?”

“You get nothing really Ben, but fame when you die, you do as I say and you go out in a blaze of glory, your health reasonably intact like a real man’s man. You do this for your family, or you go out as a four stone cancer ridden shell of a creature screaming in agony, one will happen the other can happen. I know which one I’d choose old bean.”

Ben gulped his eyes unable to break contact with Fifer’s own hypnotic probing orbs. “What do you get from a few grains of my sand?”

Fifer with sleight of hand produced a piece of paper and pen from inside his coat.

“Well what I get is the satisfaction of making an everyday ordinary Joe’s life just that bit more interesting at the end, in essence a guy like you Ben.” He smiled his false smile once again. “If you’d just sign the bottom line there, we can get this show on the road.”

Merely glancing at the contract Ben closed his eyes for a second, a moment of contemplation or an effort to build up the resolve, whatever he signed on the dotted line in a quick rapid stroke and handed it back.

Now it was Fifer salivating.

“Signed, to be sealed and it will be delivered Ben, I promise you,” cackled the almost euphoric Fifer. He then produced and envelope like a will of the wisp. “This is your plan Benjamin, follow it to the letter and you’ll be famous all over the country, and the headline news for the next few days.”

“As simple as that huh?” He replied utterly abject. “What have I just done?”

Fifer leaned over and patted him on the shoulder. “You just made the best decision a guy in your situation could ever have made, something you should be very proud of.” With one last customary wink, Fifer then disappeared in an instant.

And as Ben sat upright as if waking from stunned slumber, contemplating this horrendous dream, a voice whispered mockingly in Ben’s ear just to make sure all was real. “Betcha you believe in magic now, don’t cha? If you still doubt it however, then look the envelope is still on the table.” As if he needed telling, his eyes were firmly fixed on it.

A week later in the same diner at the same table Fifer was merrily multi tasking his business card index and a selection of handpicked hourglasses, cackling to himself whilst reading the headlines on the daily newspaper.”A sucker born every second of everyday, hallelujah.”

RESPECTED EMPLOYEE AND FAMILY MAN GUNNED DOWN WHILST ATTEMPING BANK HEIST AT GORBALS AND MAPLIN, FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES ARE BOTH GRIEF STRICKEN AND CONFUSED, THE MYSTERY WHY CONTINUES.

“Now who wants to buy some sand?” His spindly long nailed fingers traversed his index looking for potential customers, when suddenly he became aware of someone opposite him. He peered up from under the brim of his bowler to see an elderly tastefully suited male, an old old acquaintance in fact, much to his disgust.

“Oh it’s you; I must have missed the memo saying there was a rattlesnake show in town.”

The elderly gentleman chuckled quietly, and smiled. “Oh Nicky you never cease to make me laugh, and that’s lucky for you, I could make things bad for you and especially since you’ve been a really naughty boy again.”

“Oh have I now,” Fifer replied scornfully. “What exactly have I done wrong this time oh great revered one?”

“Oh, I see in a testy defiant mood today are we?” Smirked the old man. “It’s more a case of what you haven’t done; I have one heap big list of bones to pick with you.”

Fifer sighed disdainfully and lay back in his chair. “Go on then Big G hit me with it.”

The old man smiled playfully and began to read from a small list.

“Changing the timeline or attempting to change the timeline for certain individuals, by buying their sand for their souls, and then attempting to sell said sand to other individuals for their souls.”

Fifer pouted. “Trust you to make a great idea sound bad.”

“Promising to look after their family’s once they’ve departed.” The old man continued.

Fifer sat up optimistically from his slouch.

“Well come on G that’s got to be good thing?” Perked up Fifer.

“Not when their fate already has that in store for them Nicky, it’s why you chose certain individuals in the first place,” winked the old man.

“Don’t know what you mean by that.”

“Oh, doesn’t Benjamin Sanderson ring a big bell, remember him. The one whose wife is going to inherit a major fortune in the next few years, not recall him?”

Fifer fidgeted and pouted even more sullenly. “You don’t miss a thing do you?”

“Well Nick you’d only think less of me if I did.”

“ Pfft! You ain’t ever been that high in my estimation anyways you old busy body, so don’t flatter yourself old pal.”

The old man folded up the paper and smiled wryly.

“I love this little head to heads Nick i really do, they brighten up my day. I won’t read the rest of the list you know you’ve been a bad boy, in future collect your souls the old traditional way, the hourglasses are strictly for information only, there must be no and I mean no timeline interference in future, you get me?”

“Yeeeeeeeeah, yeah alle ist klar mein Herr,” he replied scornfully.

“The old man in a flash leaned over the table and grabbed Fifer’s wrist. “ Do you get me?” His expression changed from jovial to thunderous rage, his pupils dilated to full thunderous blackness.

Fifer let out a scream, the grip was like being held by a volcanic glove.

“Ok, ok man let go I get the picture.”

The old man held on for a few seconds more to make sure the message got home, then released. “I know less and less people believe in us nowadays Nick, but we have to abide by certain rules to entice our own specific congregations, but the timeline is one tricky item to mess about with, pardon the pun, but god knows what you’ll do messing with that little item.”

“Did you have to get so physical,” Replied Fifer glowering spitefully whilst rubbing his bony wrist.

“Show a little respect in future Nick, I am your creator after all, oh but do keep up the good work, we need new believers all the more these days. I’ll be going now and leave you in peace, so Toodle ooo for now” And with a smile he then vanished.

Fifer mumbled to himself still rubbing his painful wrist. “Bully. I mean if I’m such a bad ass guy, and I get all the bad press for being an astute creative salesman and still end up with all the dregs of humanity. Then how come he gets away with it all? He created me and all of this. Hmmm go figure that.”

Fifer then laid out his collection of hourglasses on the table, thirty two in total, he gave them one last longing look, sighed wistfully and then waved his malicious hand over them and they vanished.

“Oh well that was a good number while it lasted,” he then looked up at the sky outside the diner window; a real storm was brewing up there.

“You know what big G, I think you’re getting a little pissed off, people are beginning to dislike you as much as they dislike me, not so good for someone with an ego the size of a universe, and you’re just getting riled with the competition old man. People want something better nowadays than what you or maybe even I can offer them, what do you think of that for a notion?”

The response was a resounding clap of thunder and lightning, sounding like it was just above the city, shaking the whole diner, causing the lighting to dim.

Fifer barely contained a smile. “Ok big man, just as I thought message received and understood.” He then winked at the sky slyly and then vanished in a puff of smoke.